I regret having children – so do you, you just won’t admit it

Kid throwing a tantrum | Image Credit: LizaWasHere, Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/noahfans/1668573905/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Kid throwing a tantrum. How fun! | Image Credit: LizaWasHere, Flickr

It seems like the biggest taboo of all is daring to say you don’t plan to have kids. So that is precisely what I plan to tackle in this piece.

When I’m asked why I don’t plan on having children, the short answer is “because I remember how tough it was for my mother to raise me!” Actually the plain reason is because I just have no interest in raising one and changing my life so dramatically when I’m happy with it just the way it is thank you very much, just like you might have no interest in owning a pet… regardless of the joy it brings.

For the record, I’d love to have pets — more so than children. So therefore that makes me selfish, apparently.

Just get a load of this ridiculous, judgmental drivel:

Indeed, there are more finite calculations involved: Career demands. Timing. Not having a partner, or not having the right partner. Flaky fears about overburdening our already overburdened planet, personal choice and a bunch of other hooey that serve to hide the fact that happy couples that choose not to have kids are, at root, well, let’s see: selfish.

“The childless couple lives in a vacuum,” she wrote. “They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theatre, golf, tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world….

“See what the years have done. He looks boyish, unlined and rested. She is slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn’t natural. If they had kids, they’d look like the rest of us — tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard.

“In other words: normal.”

Taken from: Trend of couples not having children just plain selfish | Canada’s National Post | Joe O’Connor

Haha. Sounds to me like this is just the pathetic mudslinging by the vehemently, secretly jealous. It’s so selfish of childless people to condemn those who choose to have children to their secretly miserable, regret-filled lives.

The common reaction from my friends is, “you’ll change your mind”. Uh huh. Presumably when all my other friends and siblings get kids. When that time comes, I’ve been told, children is all they‘ll ever talk about, and I will feel left out and distant because I can’t join in the endless rants and lols of the stereotypical parent whose social life has become parenting. In other words, I’ll become a parent in order to fit in.

Sounds kind of selfish to me.

I get called “selfish” for thinking of myself and choosing what must seem like an amazingly free, hedonistic life alternative, instead of choosing to raise kids. I get called selfish by shocked soon-to-be or already-are parents who have largely deluded themselves that all the lost sleep, reduced free time, significantly reduced income, tantrums, endless baby smells, lost friendship circles and hazardous mess are 100% worth it because children say the darndest things, get smarter before your eyes, and have your nose. Some parents draw contentment because their line is going to live on after they perish. It’s amazing to know that your genes are now immortal through this creature (or creatures) you are raising.

A tad selfish thought.

Having children also gives you this amazing hall pass to endlessly plaster Facebook walls and Instagram feeds with naked family photos… this 21st century public alternative to the private photo album.

Turning everyone’s computers with image caching turned on into a machine containing questionable content sounds fun and all, but again, a little selfish.

So when I come across someone else who is a parent and actually tells it how it is, daring to be overall negative about the experience and highlighting the cons, serving as a warning to potential wanna-be parents who perhaps need to take a second thought, I feel like sharing.

Good on you for having an opinion! As for those who get defensive or offended… you are grown-ups after all, aren’t you? I’m sure you can deal with it, just parents teach their kids to respect differing opinions and the old “words will never hurt me” proverbial.

“I hate being a mother. If you don’t have kids, think long and hard before you do. Those tv commericials are lying to you. It is not a fairy tale.

My kids are of toddler and preschool age. They fight, scream and demand all the time. I am so unhappy. Noone tells you how awful it is to be a mother. noone! Yes there are little sweet things that happen from time to time but over all it’s terrible. I am so exhausted that I can’t sleep at night. My nerves are shot from the kids constant yelling, fighting, and having to explain, soothe, or whatevery 24/7. I am tired! The amount of work that it takes to be a Mom and a housewife is inhuman.

I never have a moment to just relax because when I am I am thinking about what work has to be done. It’s fucked up. Yes I love my kids but I hate mothering them. Whatever happened to it takes a village to raise a child? For the most part, I am the sole caregiver.

My husband works from early morning until they are almost ready to go to bed. He has social functions for work and in my opinion has it real good. I had to give up my career and my entire existence for my children. and do you think anyone appreciates it. It’s just expected. I didn’t even get a mother’s day present last year.

I fantasize about running away from it all. It’s too much!!!

If I had to do it all over, I wouldn’t have any children.”

If you think this mellows as children grow older, apparently not. Not every parent is lucky, or maybe instead it’s “not everyone is cut out to be a parent” if your children turn into terrible teens. Remember, it’s the parent’s fault, be it through emotional or familial or socio-economic circumstances. Another reason you should think long and hard about what the future holds for you as a parent.

“Try having teenagers who think they know everything – I have 4 kids and I’m a single mom. My two oldest I hate with a passion – they dont respect me – fight with me – use me – etc – I’m ready to get a gun n kill them – thank god the oldest doesn’t live with me – it’s the second oldest – mouth is horrible – my 14 yr old and 5 yr old are scare of him – I wish he poof n disappear.”

Here’s one that’s not so drastic:

“When did parental involvement turn into becoming the cruise director for your child’s time? Am I selfish? Is that what this all boils down to? Maybe it’s true: Maybe I don’t really want to drive them anywhere/everywhere.”

I don’t think the more drastic rants above are necessarily signs of post-natal depression, or even always the result of some mental disorder. I think this is more common than everyone cares to admit. This is someone with the guts to admit, albeit anonymously, that they think life could’ve been better had they made different choices, instead of burying it so deep they forget what their life could be like if they were more informed before they took the parenting step when they did.

Eventually, everyone has to suck it up and accept where life has led you, what choices you made. There is no rewind button, only forward. But hey, you may as well be dead honest first. And yes, I may live to regret not having kids. But I’ll still feel like I dodged a few bullets, too.

Having children means sacrifice. I get that. You have to put someone ahead of yourself, at all times, for the rest of your life. How can a life choice like that be anything but selfless? All you parents, I do admire you and respect you. After all, my own parents included, brought us to where we are today, made us into who we are today.

Parenting is immense hard work, I may have never done it myself but I sure as hell watched it being done raising me. The selflessness is highly recognised which is why parents deserve recognition with their own day: Father’s Day, Mother’s Day. Gratitude and all that. But at a fundamental level, isn’t the choice still a selfish one?

The reason people choose to become parents, is for their own happiness and fulfilment:

  • So they can feel they are progressing along with everyone else they know in life and not feel left behind
  • So they can have a family around them when they die
  • To make your life a warmer, happier, more loving place
  • To prove to yourself you can do a better job than your parents did
  • Because having children around is your comfort zone thanks to your massive family

…or whatever other reason that drives you to fill that void, that “next life step” of yours, with kids.

That’s largely a selfish choice. It’s not all selflessness. Can’t you see it?

So, stance accepted, stance respected… but my goodness, don’t call people selfish or look at us like you can’t fathom our sanity or lack of human compassion if I don’t want to raise a child. Respect the parents who have the guts to tell you they regret it. For they represent a much larger percentage who go about life biting their tongue, afraid to voice the taboo of regret and what-ifs, a silent majority, perhaps.

And respect parent-less people, too. Just because people may not have children doesn’t mean their lives are devoid of sacrifice.

Over to you readers… discuss, and feel free to stay anonymous! It is, after all, the world’s biggest taboo.

 

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Categories: Beliefs, Morals, Parenting & Family

Author:Andrew Beato

CEO, Chief Editor and founder of Intentious. Passionate comment enthusiast, amateur philosopher, Quora contributor, audiobook and general knowledge addict.

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374 Comments on “I regret having children – so do you, you just won’t admit it”

  1. October 29, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    You ping backed my blog for a reason. Are you trying to obtain readers? Well, that’s neither here nor there so that I have been bee brought here, I must say that is quite interesting to say that least.

    I respect those who make the choice to not have children, but I cannot understand where you get off telling people that they regret having kids. I have children and they are MY reason for living. A parent who wished they could “kill” (literally) their child should be killed themselves.

    Why is it so hard to believe that there are parents out there who enjoy their children? I find you quite delusional if you believe otherwise. Perhaps you could share this post with a parent who has lost a child to. . .Cancer maybe? I’m sure they would give their lives to trade places with the ungrateful parents that have nothing else better to do then sit around complaining how they “regret” their children. Maybe you can ping back superty.org, rememberingreilly.wordpress.com or rockstarronan.com? (While you’re there, please make a donation. Childhood Cancer is severely under-funded and there are those parents that actually wish their children live.) Perhaps that may just be the wake-call these ungrateful parents need. I’m just saying. . .

    For those parents who just “can’t handle” being a parent? My advice to you is GROW UP! I ran a 24/7/365 business for years and never once regretted having my children! You made the decision to have kids and if you thought it wasn’t a full-time job you were nuts from the get-go. So please, stop the pity party and be thankful you have HEALTHY children! There are parents out there who weren’t as fortunate.

    You made your bed, now sleep in it, and make it in the morning, do laundry, cook, clean, help with homework, deal with the temper tantrums, and enjoy every smile and precious moment that you have. So sad there are parents who feel this way. I sit here and shake my head. . .

    • Ashlee
      December 28, 2012 at 4:28 am #

      Wow…. I was with you until you said parents that regretted it should “grow up” … You don’t know everyone’s situation. I DO love my daughter, but yes, I would have preferred not to have children, and she was an accident that I got guilted into because everyone told me I’d regret abortion/adoption. Fortunately, being a mom isn’t so bad, but yes, if I could go back and do it again, I would go back to my life of sleeping in, visiting art museums, less responsibility… That made ME happy. You should not judge others on what makes them happy, especially if they are still fulfilling all parental duties and giving their child affection and financially providing for them. Regretting parenthood does not necessarily mean that I want to “kill” my child. It means that knowing what I do of the demands and fully understanding the impact on my own life, that if I had a time machine and go back, I WOULD make a different decision because the “pros” don’t always outweigh the cons for me.

      Just like you told him that he can’t assume everyone regrets their children, you should be ashamed of yourself for assuming that parenting brings everyone the same joy it brings you… plus you have no idea what kind of mental problems caused by genetics some of these children could have that also stress the parents out. As long as I do my job and take care of my daughter, I shouldn’t have to be judged because in a fantasy world somewhere I wouldn’t have kids and I’d travel around Paris and live my life hunky dory….

      You asked the original blogger not to judge others… and then did it in your own post. Hypocrite!

      • December 28, 2012 at 4:39 am #

        There is a way to avoid having children, its called birth control or abstinence. As far as regretting your children, that is a damn shame. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want to have kids, but if you have kids and reget them that just is terrible. Your basically saying that your life is would have been better if your kids weren’t in it! Yes, children are difficult, but that is part of being a parent. You made that choice. You say that you were guilt tripped into having your child. Well, that was YOUR choice! You chose to have a child. No one should be able to guilt trip someone into having a child and if that was the case for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been having sex if you weren’t able to fully make a decision on your own.

        As far as the post, I was tagged in it so I thought it was directed at me, my life and my blog. So therefore, I responded.

        • Anonymous
          March 24, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

          There’s nothing wrong with being honest. People make choices in their lives that they cannot undo. If you think every single parent should be (or are) happy to have kids, then you’re delusion.

          For whatever reason, one of the lines people tell me when I say I do not want children is “oh you’ll feel differently once you have kids.” I tell them “once you have children, they’re yours… forever. No refunds. No exchanges.” Apparently that still isn’t enough to satisfy their urge to tell me how I should live my life.

          It’s difficult standing up to friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers… in telling them that I have made a conscientious decisions that I do not want children. I will probably end up cutting people out of my life if they cannot accept the fact that I do not want children.

          People make choices. Some make bad or wrong choices. Some are pressured into making certain choices. There’s NOTHING wrong with admitting that parenting was a wrong choice. It doesn’t mean the parent love their child any less.

          • Anonymous
            May 28, 2013 at 1:39 am #

            I AM WITH YOU ON ALL THIS,I AM A MOM BUT I DO WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME I MADE A MISTAKE BACK IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS JUST 13YRS I RAN ALWAY FROM HOME BECAUSE A RAPE SITUATION AND LITTLE I KNEW I WAS PREGNANT BY A GUY THAT GIVE ME HES HAD BUT ENDED UP HAVING THREE OF HES KIDS AND 11 YEARS LATER TO MAKE MY STORY SHORT HE TOOK THE KIDS FROM ME ONE DAY I LOOKED FOR THEM BUT I WAS TOO YOUNG AND HAD MO HELP IT WAS AN ON AND OFF SEACH FOR THEM THEN YEARS LATER I GOT MARRIE TO A WONDERFUL MAN IN WITCH I HAVE TWO CHILDREN BY AND AFTER 11YRS MY OTHER CHILDREN REAPER AND TO BE ALNEST I DON’T REALLY HAVE ANY FEELINGS TOWARS THEM,AM I A BAD MOTHER I DON’T KNOW! THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD RESPEC OTHER PEOPLE’S CHOICES OF NOT HAVING CHILD BECAUSE YOU WANT TO END IP HERTING THEM OR NOT TAKING CARE OF THEM WHY BRING KIDS TO THIS WORLD IF IT IS JUST TO SUFFERD,I LOVE MY OTHER KIDS THAT I HAVE KNOW BUT I AM SO SORRY BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THER KIDS I AM SO STRESS I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO,I WISH COULD JUST BACK IN TIME BUT KNOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

            • Leslie
              September 18, 2015 at 4:02 am #

              Try a little punctuation, anonymous.

        • regretting it now
          April 8, 2013 at 7:01 am #

          Ariella protests a little too much… I think she probably regrets her children now and then and lashes out at anyone with the guts to speak the truth. Get over yourself supermommy.

          • Tee
            May 30, 2013 at 5:59 am #

            No sweetie, your actually a hater, mad cuz Ariella is the type of mom that GOD wants us to be. Probably wishing you were like her or had a mom like her. Sorry for all you miserable mothers but us LOVING super moms really do exist. Stop hating and get like us!

            • June 9, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

              I u r super mommy what r u doing on this thread?

            • September 18, 2015 at 8:12 am #

              LMAO I love it when bitches think they know the will of God. Yeah, being a judgmental seaward is EXACTLY what God wants, sure.

          • Anonymous
            September 17, 2015 at 11:00 pm #

            I suspected the same as I read her comments.

        • WK
          April 9, 2013 at 9:17 am #

          Sorry, but accidents happen. Condoms break. Some people (rare, but it happens) get pregnant while on the pill. And frankly, abstinence, in my opinion, is a bad idea. It wasn’t Ashlee’s choice to have a kid. It was, as she said, an accident. I think what SHOULD be acknowledged here is that, once it became apparent that this accident occurred, she did the right thing and stepped up. She admits to having given up what makes her happy for her kid. I think that’s what matters- she took what life gave her and dealt with it, sacrificed what she had to sacrifice, even if it made her life, YES, not as good for her as it would have been if she never had kids. That’s great that you don’t regret it, but don’t get down on people for being human and getting stuck in a shitty situation. At least she made the best of it and did what she had to do for her baby. Just another story that reminds me to get back on the pill and double up with a condom next time I have a boyfriend. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to deal with the idea of having kids.

          • dwood
            June 8, 2013 at 1:16 am #

            Please dont double condoms. People who do this mess up. U learn in school that if latex rubs together, it breaks. Do research or soon you will be with child or God know what else. You are welcome!!

            • Aurora
              June 14, 2013 at 2:55 pm #

              I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant. She means using a condom on TOP of taking birth control. Hence doubling up on contraception for extra protection.

        • Anonymous
          May 15, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

          again, a true idiot.

        • Tee
          May 30, 2013 at 5:40 am #

          I agree with you wholeheartedly! She should have kept her legs closed. And how does someone guilt you into a baby?! If you know you’re not ready, don’t have kids. To REGRET your child is the most horrible thing in the world! Sounds like a very immature woman!

          • anon
            June 3, 2013 at 11:07 am #

            She should have kept her legs closed? how dare you, you don’t know this woman, or her situation. What a filthy thing to say. You spout talk about God, yet you obviously know nothing about compassion, or acceptance.

            • Anonymous
              June 14, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

              Maybe she should have some compassion and accept her child and situation, instead of crying about how she regrets having a baby because that stands in the way of her life aspirations. You’re blaming a child for ruining your life, yet you are the one that chose to lay down and create one? I don’t give a rat’s ass if you were on birth control, using an IUD, on the depo shot, and he wore 2 condoms…. if you have sex and got pregnant, and knew you didn’t want kids, you had other choices at that point. Adoption is a popular one, believe it or not. Nobody guilted you into having a baby, you made that irresponsible choice on your own, and then realized you can’t hack it as a parent. You may try to fake it towards your children, but don’t let a day go by thinking you’re fooling them with your BS. They’ll grow up resenting you. I hope they throw you in a nursing home. I don ‘t know any well adjusted individual who can look their child in the face and tell them you love them, and be bold-faced lying, without any inkling of guilt. To say you regret having them, is pretty much saying you don’t love them. Love means living every day for them, and not being able to live without them. Lots of parents still do what they love, and have children too. What is so damn important that it takes presidence over human lives that you’ve created? You ARE selfish, no matter how much you try and deny it.

          • September 18, 2015 at 8:10 am #

            How are you supposed to have sex with your legs closed? It sounds uncomfortable. Does it reduce chances of conception or something?

      • Tee
        May 30, 2013 at 5:46 am #

        You are lying to yourself if you think you can REGRET your child, and still be giving them what they need emotionally/mentally! Impossible! I’m just like Ariella, my children mean everything to me, couldn’t see life without them. Seems to me that many of those responding are JEALOUS because our kids bring us JOY. I know plenty of people who had kids by accident and still couldn’t imagine their life without them. My life would be WORSE without mine. You need to pray that God takes away your regret. Until then you can not live up to your FULL potential as a mother.

        • JJ
          June 10, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

          Jesus, you are so annoying. Sorry, just being honest. No one cares about your religious beliefs, especially because you’re a hypocrite, given how you’re supposed to be accepting via your religion and all. You can judge her into the ground all you want, I’m sure you’re just the best mother on earth, just like you’ve said like a million times in all these comments but at the end of the day, Ariella’s comment is not about you, it’s about her.

      • Anonymous
        June 12, 2013 at 3:02 am #

        Well said dear.

      • Get help
        June 12, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

        I can’t Waite for your daughter to read that some day. Parent of the year over here! I believe what you have here is narcissism at its best. People living for their own glory for their own pleasure and their own self interest with our regard to other or their kids. Parenting is hard. But if you are a healthy person your life shouldn’t be centered around yourself.

    • Anonymous
      January 27, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

      Yikes! Simmer down! You’re a very scary person!

    • Sarai
      February 7, 2013 at 5:21 pm #

      She’s not TELLING other people that they regret having kids. She’s pointing out where THEY THEMSELVES have said they regret having kids. And what does this post have to do with kids who have cancer or their parents? Oh, that’s right, nothing. Obviously every parent doesn’t share your lurrrve of parenting. So what?

    • M
      February 21, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

      I really think it is amazing that some are finaly saying the truth. Before being certain that I did not want kids, I was looking for answers and was really bothered by the fact that you can rarely get that kind of truth. Most parents are to ashamed to admit they regret having kids. But I think it would be great if people knew that it’s not that much fun. I know because my boyfriend has kids and we have them on weekends. I was gratefull to confirm my suspicions that having kids makes everything more complicated and less fun, Even children activities like the zoo would be more fun without kids. The constant need and battle for attention makes everything annoying. ALL the people I know who have children, cannot wait to put them to bed EVERY night and talk about how they can’t wait for their kids to be capable of doing so and so by them selves. Basically, they can’t wait for them to not be children anymore. I am not saying everyone hates having children. But the truth must be told. Good for you if you are happy with your kids but don’t you ever see people that you feel should not have kids? I think the most selfish thing one will ever do is to have a kid while not so sure you want one or because only your partner wants one. And I know this because, my mom thought having a kid would make her happy and my dad only had me because ofi my mom’s desires.He never hid that from my mom or me. Then he had to raise my alone when my mom realised that having a family is not like in the movies she killed her self. So, people should think really hard before bringing a new human in this world.

      • Anonymous
        May 28, 2013 at 2:09 am #

        Hello everyone,I am not here to juge anyone for any matter,I think everyone is in tittle to there own choices in life and we shouldn’t juge, the reason I am here is for a personal matter it is and is not the topic it it talk here,but I need help in my matter a long time a go I had to leave my home witch it was with my parent if I could call my father that I was 13yrs old my dad rape me my mom dindt know I was afraid to tell her my so call father would tell me that if I tell my mother she wouldn’t belived me or if I said anything he would kill her then my brother and me,I was scare of what may do to them I really didn’t care of what happen to me , well to make my story short I ran alway from home and stay at the one guys house with he’s mom we word friend and then thing happen I hot pregnant and lost that child I got pregnan two more times and had a girl and boy by the time the girl was two and the boy was six months he took the kids from me,we word having problems and stuff,I had stay with the kids and he would pick them up on weekends but one day he never brough them back I did search for them where I could remember I was very young I didn’t have no one to help me and I didn’t know what to do where to go,we’ll years when by I look for them on a on and off search then I stop,know I am married to a wonderful man that loves me and take care of me and our two children my 9yr old boy and my 3yr old girls that I love so much,now my other two kids appear in my life and I was in shock my husband knew about my other kids and he has had my back 100% if I ever found them,we’ll know I found them but there these thing I tell my husband I feel terrible because I don’t have feelings towards them and why I need help I don’t know what to do or feel,am I a bad mother for feeling like this please someone let me know.please

      • gavin
        January 11, 2016 at 1:54 am #

        I completely agree with you! I wish people what stop telling lies about how great kid’s are. If you are unsure whether to have kids its best just not have them. Less people get hurt. I have seen from family and friends how’s kids have lowered there quality of life and although you know they are unhappy overall they will still lie to your face that kids are worth the sacrifice. I call them out on the bs but most people don’t and end up being pressure into have them even though they would lead a higher quality of life without them.

    • Childfree to Childless
      April 18, 2013 at 11:37 am #

      I have never understood why people feel it is selfish to choose not to have children. Nor have I ever understood why people insist those who choose to be child free will regret it later, or change their mind. As if most people come to this decision without much thought on it. I would bet that most people have thought out their choice to be child free far more than those who have children thought about the ramifications of having them.

      Having a child in this society is much easier than not having one. After all look at all the nasty comments from those who have children towards those who have chosen not to. All because they have chosen a different life path than them. Why?

      I have never wanted children, never. Even as a child I never fancied myself a mother. I also was never that ambitious careerwise so that can not be blamed. I also am not immature, I don’t party, I don’t blow all my money on nonsense, I don’t bury myself in a career to compensate, andi have never regretted not having children even tho I am soon to be 40 and have now ostensibly passed my logistical time frame of having them.

      Something that really bothers me is all this talk about being lonely, or not having grandchildren, or dying alone, etc if you don’t have children. I find this sort of talk to be very offensive. It is as if these posters/people/parents are only having children so these children can fulfill an already outlined expectation. Does the child have no say? Not only are you expecting your child to take care of you in old age simply because you gave them life but you also expect them to be your friend and visit regularly so you aren’t lonely, and you expect them to also procreate so you can be a grandparent. Oh and you expect them to celebrate holidays with you regardless of their own choices in life.

      Geez, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a child of someone with those expectations of me. Expectations that only seem to end when my parent dies. Assuming they did so before I had those children they expected of me. Otherwise I am now stuck with being a parent simply because my parent wanted grandchildren because otherwise their life wouldn’t be fulfilled.

      And I am selfish?

      And I don’t want anyone to be confused about how I feel about children. I actually like children. And I think I would be a good mother as once I have made a choice I try to do. Y best by it. Oh ! And I am not an aunt to anyone as none of my siblings/ in laws have children either so that tired remark doesnt apply here. Thankfully for all of us our parents didn’t expect us to provide grandchildren for them so they could check off another of their life’s must haves.

      And I have friends and family who have told me that if they could do it over they would not have had kids. Or even more common is they would have waited to have them which ironically seems to be an acceptable “feeling” in this society even tho if you think about it they are pretty much saying they regret having that particular child as that particular child wouldn’t exist except for that particular egg meeting that particular sperm at that particular moment.

      So, if you have kids then fine. If you don’t, then fine. If you don’t want them, who cares? If you later change your mind, then that is your prerogative. And if you later regret the choice then that too is okay. As I said I suspect that happens more than people regret not having them as the choice to have children is much more acceptable in this society than not to.

      That doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids, it just means you have the ability to reevaluate some facts and come to a different conclusion. Steadfastly sticking to your convictions even after being given facts that would otherwise change your mind just makes you stupid.

      And if after given all the facts you would do it all over again then what business it is of yours if anyone else comes to a different conclusion?

      • Anonymous
        April 18, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

        Well said Childfree to Childless!!!

      • Be wise, think twice.
        May 15, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

        Awesome! I do find childfree-thinking people are suitable to be parents because they think and consider more before they came to make that decision. I am one of them, I have that biological clock ticking. Wanted to have a feel of having a baby and wonder how it will looks like when it is mine and my bf’s. But, my logical sense is stronger than the urge. I researched and looked around. Then, I realized I don’t want to lead that parenting lifestyle. It is not me. It is not about moving to a new stage in life. I don’t want my baby to suffer as it might has a selfish mother in the end because I was so sure what kind of person I am and clear about what I want in my life. It is not about being pregnant for 9 months and how great a mother is. It is about when you bring a new life into this world, you have to brought them up and educate them to be a better person and make the world a better place. After all these explanation, I still get that ‘you will change when you get older’ or ‘when you have your own it is different’ bullshit. Why we start to be defensive because they are so insisted on we will change our mind later on. It is just so hard to make them understand where we childfree-thinking people are coming from. They will never respect our thoughts. It is just like what were mentioned here, “Having a child in this society is much easier than not having one. ” – Quoted from Childfree to Childless. Because it is natural to want to have kids.

        Generally, childfree-thinking people respect those with children but get all that filthy stare at us as if we are aliens whenever we voice out our opinions. It feels like they are running away from the ugly truth stated by us. It has become an expected reaction from those people who think everyone should/will have baby. I have some rude kid experience but that’s okay because it’s a kid. The parents are what makes the whole experience turned from worse to horrible. I do know some great mothers who love their lives and their kid. Best part of it, they respect my thoughts and decision; and I respect them for being great parents. So, I just want to urge the people who see themselves having kids in the future to be wise and think twice. Be considerate and learn to respect others and your own kid. Your kid will have his/her own life later on. Don’t pressurize him/her with what you couldn’t achieve. I don’t believe in give and take in parenting also the balance between career and parenting especially mother. Because educating is a lifelong journey when you have baby. If you can’t do all these, I suggest you not to have any baby. I am sure that I can’t so I choose not to have. If you think you can, keep it up and I wish you the very best and cheers for great parents in the 21st century. =)

        • Variathus
          June 4, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

          A bunch of what if’s is not logical reasoning.
          There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids but just because you do have children does not mean you regret them.
          How does one person’s opinion justify it to be true for all with kids?
          Where is the logic in that?

      • honest
        May 21, 2013 at 12:57 am #

        I can relate to everything you have said here except few things..but that does not matter. I have been trying to find reasons to justify why I don’t have kids when I am also fast approaching 40s. I don’t have a career exactly..it’s just a job. I don’t have a busy social life..don’t like drinking and clubbing..nor do I travel every year to some distant dreamy land. So really I do find it hard to explain first to my self and then to others why I don’t have a child or children in my life. Apart from the fact that me and my husband have medical problems but they are not insurmountable ..if we really wanted to have a kid we could definitely take help from modern medicine and conceive..yet here we are…not sure why the reasons that are enough for others to plan family are not enough for us!!

        • Variathus
          June 4, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

          What you said contradicts itself on many accounts.
          Wow.
          I am glad you have not bred.

          • JJ
            June 10, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

            Stop being a jackass. So what if she didn’t explain herself all that well. Hardly warrants you saying she shouldn’t have bred. Not like you know her.

          • June 12, 2013 at 9:44 am #

            You don’t even make sense. Maybe you should see a shrink. You need help.

      • Variathus
        June 4, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

        They don’t feel it is selfish.
        It is a common mistake made to make a flawed absurd point about kids.
        There is nothing wrong with not wanting children but claiming others with children regret their kids is not logically sound.
        One’s opinion cannot be used to base an entire population.
        That is ridiculous.
        IN fact,your entire comment is one based on sensationalism to make points.
        I sure hope you do not work in media.

      • anonymous
        June 13, 2013 at 1:53 am #

        I’m with you, I don’t understand why choosing to remain child-free is selfish. I have always wanted children, even when I was a child myself, and happily for me, I’m now a mother of 3 pre-school aged children – I think by definition, getting for myself what I always wanted to have is selfish, no? And as parents we have a larger carbon footprint than child-free couples, so you can even claim that you are smarter or more eco-conscious or something along those lines, for not having kids, and I would agree that you are right – all of which could be argued to make you less selfish than the average parent.

        I also don’t think people understand the level of self sacrifice until after the kids have arrived. I think that before kids arrive, people, or at least I, imagined only happy times at the playground and beach and amusement parks and picnics and the ball game. And instead of it just being you and your partner, there’d be all of these “mini-me” people to share it with, multiplying the fun. And so, selfishly, I am very happy to have children.

        The reality, of course, encompasses that, but also lots of hard work, compromise, loss of composure, difficulty, frustration, moving slowly to accommodate the pace of the very young, more. And of course it would be cheaper to buy a deluxe end-of-life care policy now, than it would be to raise my three kids into adulthood and hope that they’re going to take care of my husband and I in our old age. What if it turns out we’re not even on speaking terms with the adult kids? The best reason to have kids is because you want them now, and you enjoy them now, headaches, messy homes, toddler power struggles and all. Positive relationships with them when they are older would only be icing on the cake.

        Before kids, I travelled a lot nationally and internationally for work and leisure, had a job that paid 6 figures (I also always had career ambitions, so for me, that was a good sign of success in my chosen field), met with friends in interesting cities. Since kids I have stayed home, travelled less, taken a lower-paying job, and met friends less frequently, but that’s all OK with me, because I wouldn’t give up my kids for anything. I still meet with friends in interesting places, and, if they have kids too, we sometimes all actually bring them along. If they don’t have kids, we only bring ours along if the friends expressly wish to see/meet them, otherwise we leave the kids with trusted care-givers.

        I think maybe my point is that I believe this article was written simply to get people to make passionate comments. I can’t truly believe that anyone thinks their choice is the best and wisest it is possible to make. To each their own, and remember that the author of this has to make a living, too.

        I think one selfless party in this instance might be the couple who, despite a true understanding of how much work is involved, and being fully capable biologically, chooses only to adopt and foster, in order to give orphaned/unwanted children loving homes.

    • Anonymous
      April 26, 2013 at 12:31 am #

      My god. You sound so, so, so ignorant. All I read is somebody who has not experienced a better life and so cannot fathom the opinion of the original poster. It’s sad to know that you’re so wrong, because I wish having a kid wouldn’t be such a horrible thing, but my god you are.

    • Anonymous
      May 10, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

      I think there is nothing wrong in saying that you regret having a child instead of holding up an illustration that having children is all peaches and cream. It might take bravery to admit if but at least you are lying to yourself just to make yourself feel better.

    • May 11, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      I think this is the exact thing he is talking about. I once posted something on facebook about how I can’t stand children so I wrote something to the effect of, “Ya know, as selfish as it sounds, I’m here for me. I’m dying BY MYSELF because it’s literally impossible to die ‘with someone’. I’m here to achieve shit…not make someone else achieve shit.”

      In response I got this, “HOW DARE YOU!? I have kids and they are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, it’s hard raising them sometimes but the joy and love I feel knowing that they exist is something you’ll never understand.”

      Ya know what was funny about her response to my fucking post on facebook? The fact that I could hear her crying. I obviously hit a nerve somewhere.

      • Anonymous
        June 11, 2013 at 8:37 am #

        :))) So fuckin lucky that this mentality is spreading, infect more. Economically and globally on a general note, the bigges tproblem is that this stupid planet is overcrowded. And yes Im gona be a proud dad in couple of months. I wll definately have less freedom and much less fun, no more fun with other girls but its a long term investment. Its not the usual 20th century , 2 clicks on FB and Im happy stupid stuff. Do you hear me cryin do you? Only cuz you found some shit parent that gives up cuz a worthless punk like you says shit doesnt mean we all are soo freakin sad cuz we are or we are gona be parents. And heres a crazy line to go along, if breeding is a dead end or so to say stupid your parents must have been stupid for having you. Yet mankind has evolved ? Or are you the necessary evil that comes with evolution?:) Cheers bro, have a drink , dont think too much. Happiness needs to be redifined a bit. BTW Im happy i have all of my testicles and that i can live another day, so fuckin much that even if i had to relive my worst day with my kids im about to have i would still love it cuz life in itself is good.

    • Anonymous
      May 15, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

      wow, you are a real, bona fide, true, hedonistic idiot

    • Anonymous
      May 20, 2013 at 10:00 am #

      Let me look after your little one whilst you feel like this’ believe me, if you have a little rest bite, you will be fine ,., and love your baby so much more,., go out for a meal , just chill we all need it x

    • Variathus
      June 4, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

      I agree with you.
      Head docs take kids away from people who make remarks about regretting their kids.
      They find that parents who regret their kids are very abusive and could be chemically unbalanced.
      They were either raised immorally or were victims of abuse,hence why they beat their children and say such things.
      Government also too is a culprit and a hypocrite.
      Government wants women to have less children but at the very same time bitch about women aborting to many children claiming not enough people to fill workforce thus forced to outsource.
      This kind of sick mentality has many implications that many cannot even comprehend.
      We live in a society that uses abortion clinics like gas stations which does nothing but breed irresponsibility.

      • Anonymous
        June 11, 2013 at 8:04 am #

        “chemically unbalanced”…. Hmmmmmm….

      • Anonymous
        June 14, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

        Yea, cause generally people who beat, abandon, neglect, or kill their children usually feel the same way. They just aren’t dumb enough to say “I regret having my children” out loud.

    • sharon
      June 9, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

      I adore being a mum, I love every moment of it both the tough times and the joyful times. Before my daughter was born I wanted it all, I wanted the tantrums and tough times along with the great times. I find it amazing that no matter how hard life can be I still have this sense of excitement deep down simply because my beautiful daughter is in this world. Everything she does amazes me. I have plenty of opportunity to go out and that I just don’t want to anymore. My likes and dislikes have completely changed now I enjoy spending time with my little one a million times more than I ever did before, going out! I had this magical idea of parenting before she was born and I’m thrilled to say reality far exceeds my expectations.

      I respect people who don’t want kids and I see nothing wrong with it, I understand there are people out there who regret it but not every parent does

    • Liz
      June 13, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

      Jeez get off your high horse….

      • Anonymous
        June 13, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

        cant understand where in my post you found i was being high and mighty? its ok for others to say they regret their kids but when someone says they love motherhood its high and mighty? come on now thats a bit of a contradiction. in any case it certainly was not the feeling when writing it, i was simply expressing how i felt about motherhood and i wont apologise for my feelings! i was trying to get people to see it from the point of view of someone who doesnt regret it as everyone is different. im not a judgemental person or at least i try not to be and i certainly dont want a row online with someone i don’t know! the internet tends to bring out the worst in people and trust me im not the type to be high and mighty, i fought my whole life to have confidence in myself after a serious amount of events to go against it so im definately not on any high horse!!! anyway im sure your a lovely person its just these contraversal issues tend to bring out the beast in us!

        cant understand the people saying its selfish not to want kids, wtf? how is it selfish i just cant get that. they dont want kids, big deal. whether or not they regret it later has no bearing on you. you cant be certain they will regret it anyway, maybe they will feel as good about it then as now! just because i love motherhood doesnt mean i judge people who dont want it i dont think them any worse off or better off than me or other mothers they just made a different decision in life and thats fine.

      • Anonymous
        June 13, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

        unless that was not directed at me in which case i apologise for the attack!!! lol

  2. October 29, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

    And while I am here, maybe I suggest a post on the lack of funding for Childhood Cancer??? That is a controversial topic that is actually worth reading. . .

    • James Hill
      October 30, 2012 at 11:05 am #

      Where’s the controversy in that? Is there anyone seriously taking the position that we’re putting too much money into supporting kids with cancers?

      • James Hill
        October 30, 2012 at 11:11 am #

        Actually, I’ve thought of a way to make it controversial. Thanks for the story idea, Ariella. You seem to take issue with pingbacks, so I won’t link you in the story, but i’ll email you a link if you like and you can give your opinion.

        • October 30, 2012 at 11:23 am #

          James,

          I don’t take issues with pingbacks at all, but when you do a post about people not liking children and wanting to literally kill their kids. . .then pingback my blog early in the am before I have had ANY coffee? Yes, I took offense to that! I don’t think that there is anything related on my blog to the dislike of children. Now the dislike of cheating men and killing them? Now thats another story.

          Perhaps you will pingback my blog if you do a post on Childhood Cancer and the great lack of funding it receives. Why not an article about how we go “pink” in October, but not “gold” in September. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month, but I bet many of your readers do not know this. Why has the NFL yet to go gold? Why do we not care about these children who are suffering and dying?

          I am in no way saying that October should not be all about breast cancer. What I am saying is, we need to spread awareness to Pediatric Cancer!

          • November 1, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

            Ariella: Related Articles are auto-selected by the blogging engine according to the blogging engine’s algorithms that determine relevance. If that fails to predict a relevant article, so be it. As for taking offence at pingbacks which you absolutely HAVE to drop everything to come and read, well, you’re welcome. Welcome to Intentious. I love that I caused you such irritation and offence at what is clearly an illegal use of the free and public Internet. You’re clearly a very relaxed parent.

            • November 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

              Far from a relaxed parent. . .I worry about my children all the time which is clearly a sign of a concerned parent.

              • Anonymous
                December 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm #

                I love my children to distraction, and I worry about them all the time, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t regret having them. If I had my time back again I wouldn’t have them. And by the way I don’t believe you ever ran a business 24/7/365 – that’s physically impossible.

                • December 18, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

                  I owned a bail bonds company which was open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 365 days a year. I was the owner, therefore my phone would ring all hours of the night, my staff or clients would call me anytime. Where I live, people can get bailed out 24/7/365.

                  I mean seriously, did you actually think that I worked 24/7/365 for years without sleep. I mean please, I can’t even believe I have entertained this with an answer. . .

                  And just because you regret having children, does not mean everyone else does. I for one have no regrets. . .

                  • Anonymous
                    December 18, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

                    I wonder if your children are as pleasant as you obviously are?!

                    • December 18, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

                      I have great kids thank you and yes they are pleasant. But really come on now, that was a stupid comment you posted about working.

                    • Anonymous
                      December 18, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

                      You should have worded it differently! You were available 24/7, not actually working. Anyway that’s irrelevant. You have implied that anyone who regrets having children isn’t a good mother which isn’t correct. Regretting having children isn’t the same as hating them or neglecting them. I would do anything for my children but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do things differently if I had my time again.

                    • Ashlee
                      December 28, 2012 at 4:31 am #

                      If her children are anything like her, I feel quite sorry for them! Lack of empathy and extreme hypocrisy… “Don’t judge others! (insert judgemental comments here about how others need to grow up because parenting was a difficult job for them, assumes that makes them a horrible person)”

                      Reeeeeal pleasant…

                    • Anonymous
                      March 24, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

                      Apparently Ariella is very narrow minded. In her little world, there are only one correct point of view: hers.

                      And owning a company that is open 24/7 is not the equivalent of working 24/7. I hope she understands the difference.

                  • December 19, 2012 at 11:52 am #

                    Exactly the point of the article… It’s OK to proudly announce you don’t regret having kids, but when someone says they do, they get an unequal and often judgemental reaction.

                  • March 30, 2013 at 2:12 am #

                    who cared for your kids in the middle of the night when you got called in to work? i’m wondering how that person feels….

                • Tee
                  May 30, 2013 at 6:04 am #

                  Then guess what, your a Horrible parent IMO. No good parent would undo their kids. And all those ok’ing this mess is just as messed up in the head as you are. Don’t believe the hype, there is something very wrong with regretting your kids.

              • aliceblue
                March 24, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

                Or a mental case and/or sanctimommy

          • Tee
            May 30, 2013 at 5:55 am #

            I agree Ariella, this is an awful and sad thing to post about. How many people do you think regret their kids and are not abusing them in some way. I promise you regret and abuse go hand in hand. It’s ok to say “I would have done things differently”, but to not find joy and have a deep love for the kids, you have in CRAZY. Something is off mentally with a person who feels that way. I have no problem with those who decide not to have kids. My problem is with those who do, then regret it. I would HATE for them to be my parent. Poor kids!

      • October 30, 2012 at 11:17 am #

        James,

        Did you know that out all all the money used to fund cancer research only 3% goes to Childhood Cancer?

        Facts:

        -One in every 330 Americans develops cancer before the age of twenty.

        -On the average, 36 children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer everyday in the United States.

        -On the average, one in every four elementary schools has a child with cancer. The average high school has two students who are current or former cancer patients.

        -Cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children under the age of 15 in the United States.

        -Childhood cancers affect more potential patient-years of life than any other cancer except breast and lung cancer.

        -The causes of most childhood cancers are unknown. At present, childhood cancer cannot be prevented.

        -Childhood cancer occurs regularly, randomly and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class, or geographic region. In the United States, the incidence of cancer among adolescents and young adults is increasing at a greater rate than any other age group, except those over 65 years.

        -Despite these facts, childhood cancer research is vastly and consistently underfunded.

        http://www.alexslemonade.org

        Im sure you will be able to find a lot of controversy in that!

    • carolinamommy
      May 17, 2013 at 11:50 am #

      Not to sound heartless but isnt paying for the childs healthcare, the responsibility of the parents? I mean if you chose to have children, choose to take care of them yourself! Im a mother and i sure dont expect anyone else to take care of my child or provide for my child except me, myself and I! My husband too but if i wasnt happily married, i wouldnt expect someone else to take care of MY Responsibility.

  3. October 29, 2012 at 11:20 pm #

    Just playing devils advocate here but I think the way modernism/liberalism has taken over society means children have so much more to bitch and moan about… let’s take for example technology. When I was a kid we had bikes, climbing frames and clunky toys… today you have consoles, internet, phones that are mini computers etc etc, so to be fair I think on a worldwide scale we’ve spoilt our kids. I’d like to do a test to see how various families get on in two different situations. Say a community of families with modern gadgets and a community of families with no modern gadgets and less communication. I would put a large sum of money on the kids of the less gadgety family are much easier to raise… but that’s all just speculation.

    Good article btw.

  4. October 30, 2012 at 7:12 am #

    Children hate it when their parents have more children because they feel the love, affection and attention now have to divided up amongst increasing numbers of competitors. Consider that the life of a child is the life of a welfare recipient and children don’t grow up voluntarily, they do so only because they are forced to.

    Well now we have a welfare state so you can move out of home and move into the socialist government’s commune and mooch off everyone who actually works.

    I believe the reason why many people don’t become parents is because they are still psychologically children and fear dividing the love, affection and attention they get from their partner with their children. They haven’t got the vision to realise that their children are an investment into their future that if handled properly ensures that you will have plently of love, affection and attention in your old age.

    • James Hill
      October 30, 2012 at 8:32 am #

      “I believe the reason why many people don’t become parents is because they are still psychologically children and fear dividing the love, affection and attention they get from their partner with their children. They haven’t got the vision to realise that their children are an investment into their future that if handled properly ensures that you will have plently of love, affection and attention in your old age.”

      Fantastic point. No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility. It’s impossible to remain that way, of course. Real life Peter Pans, refusing to grow up, look pretty old and creepy past the age of 35. You’ll be a pariah at the clubs, and the joy of expensive dinners in fancy restaurants will lose its allure when you’re pushing 60 and spending the holiday seasons alone. I wouldn’t force children on unwilling people, but there’s pain no matter what road you choose to take in life.

      There’s no surer sign that our society is doomed than the obvious fact that we’ve lost the will and the ability to create and raise the next generation of children. This is how the west ends: not with a bang, but with millions of whimpers. Grown men and women with no legacy to pass on, but very strong opinions about videogames.

      • Beth
        February 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

        I don’t know anything about video games. I don’t go to bars or clubs. We don’t eat out at fancy restaurants or take vacations very often. What we do have is a peaceful home, which is more of a joy than you can ever imagine after a chaotic childhood and having to grow up a lot faster than any of my peers because I was totally on my own at 18. Things are not not always what you think they are. Quite frankly, my parents had no business being married or having kids.

      • Sunny
        April 2, 2013 at 3:01 am #

        “Fantastic point. No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility. It’s impossible to remain that way, of course. Real life Peter Pans, refusing to grow up, look pretty old and creepy past the age of 35. You’ll be a pariah at the clubs, and the joy of expensive dinners in fancy restaurants will lose its allure when you’re pushing 60 and spending the holiday seasons alone. I wouldn’t force children on unwilling people, but there’s pain no matter what road you choose to take in life.

        There’s no surer sign that our society is doomed than the obvious fact that we’ve lost the will and the ability to create and raise the next generation of children. This is how the west ends: not with a bang, but with millions of whimpers. Grown men and women with no legacy to pass on, but very strong opinions about videogames.”

        Are you serious? Because I don’t have kids leaves me in a “permanent state of adolescence” I’m a “Real life Peter Pan” The most famous Peter Pan in our society was Michael Jackson. He had kids. So what. Having kids doesn’t automatically make you an adult. I’ve seen plenty of people who have kids and they act like Babies!

        Now, going to work everyday, paying your bills on time, treating others with respect, not throwing temper tantrums because you didn’t get your way. These are “signs” of adulthood. Having kids just means you have kids. That’s it. Maybe you’ve grown up because of it, maybe you haven’t.

        • James Hill
          April 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

          You actually quoted my reply to you already:

          “No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility”

          Yes, people that have children can be immature and useless. But, the people that choose to not have children specifically to maintain the lifestyle they had in their teens and twenties are exhibiting signs of emotional immaturity.

          It’s no different than people that live with their parents well into their thirties: getting a place of your own doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve developed the responsibility that goes along with it, but deliberately avoiding moving out is something people do because they’re not ready to surrender aspects of the lifestyle they had as children; namely: having a parent or carer to take care of day to day household tasks .

          • Guest
            April 23, 2013 at 4:25 am #

            I’m curious. In your opinion, is there any way to indicate one’s maturity aside from procreating?

            • James Hill
              April 24, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

              You’re not curious enough to read through all my comments, it seems.The act of having kids in itself isn’t evidence that a person is mature, there are plenty of other qualities a person needs to have to be considered mature. Refusing to have kids because you’ve really enjoyed college and you’d like to keep living the college lifestyle once that time in your life is long since gone is…pretty good evidence that you’re trying to maintain an emotionally stunted state of mind.

              • Guest
                April 26, 2013 at 9:10 am #

                You’re right, I’m not curious enough to sift through every post one might make in a long thread like this, but I am curious enough to try and engage you in a little conversation on the subject!

                I appreciate your reply, but that’s not really what I was asking. I understand that you have outlined what you feel is NOT a sign of maturity. But what IS?

                • James Hill
                  April 26, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

                  I just wrote up a lengthy response to your question, but it appears that wordpress might have eaten it. Forgive me if you see a double post of the same content.

                  Obviously, “maturity” is a somewhat subjective term and everyone will have a slightly different definition of it, but here are some milestones I believe are indicative that someone has matured from adolescence and is now a mature, fully contributing member of a western society:

                  – They have achieved financial indepedence from their parents/caregivers. This includes being able to pay their own bills and (for western cultures) occupying a home that isn’t lived in and maintained by their parents

                  – Have settled upon a career or vocation and have taken tangible steps along that path. This includes things like graduating university, completing apprenticeships, starting a small business, or starting a full time job

                  – Entered into a monogamous, committed relationship and– if biologically possible– started having a family.

                  – Begun contributing to their community. This could include volunteering, donating money to causes, or merely helping out their neighbours

                  Beyond that, it gets harder and harder to define “maturity.” You cannot peer into another person’s soul and there will be many people that have achieved some, or all, of these milestones without attaining any real insights or growing in any way. However, an absence of these milestones in an adult’s life can also tell you something about their character

                  • Guest
                    April 27, 2013 at 8:11 am #

                    Fair response! I find I tend to agree; most of those are indications I’d look for, too.
                    How do you feel about folks who have some, but not all, of those ‘milestones’ completed? For example, if someone is living in their own place, paying their bills, and acting as a responsible (single) parent of one or more children but has never married, would you consider that likely to be indicative of a lack of maturity in any way?
                    Would it be different if someone was a stay-at-home spouse, who completed only required schooling and never had a job, but who fills their time volunteering for their church?

                    I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. 🙂 While I think your conditions that indicate maturity are very well thought-out and I certainly agree with them in general, I think that there are an awful lot of exceptions to the rule, and that it would be terribly limiting to say that someone has to meet every one of those requirements before you can call them truly grown. And I think that, in the same way you could consider a stay-at-home mom to be a mature adult, it’s completely fair to consider a woman without any kids to also be a mature adult.

                    I’ve certainly met a few people who I suspect have not had children because they are still stuck in a kind of childhood themselves (and the book “Rejuvenile” is an interesting exploration of such folks). They sure do exist!
                    But at the same time, I know so many people who meet every requirement for maturity you’ve outlined – except for procreation. Friends with great careers, good educations, beautiful homes in the city or the suburbs, loving extended families and happy marriages, who care about contributing to their community. They just don’t have kids at home.

                    I think it’s a shame that many folks, perhaps yourself included, equate not having children with *being* children. I think the world is far more diverse than that, and that there are all sorts of different ways a mature adult might decide to live their life.

              • May 11, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

                You, my friend, made my gut hurt this morning from laughing so hard. 🙂

              • May 17, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

                Please look up child abuse statistics and the foster system if you believe everybody should have kids.

                Being childfree doesn’t make someone psychotic, of course, but I’m willing to bet there are a number of abusive parents who wanted kids. If they would’ve remained immature for life if they didn’t have kids? Interesting. Let me go get my friend who’s moving to another country to get away from her abusive mother and ask her what she thinks.

          • gavin
            January 11, 2016 at 2:47 am #

            People that specifically choose not to have kids usually think about the decision in depth unlike most idiots of our society that operate at low levels big consciousness and have kids without considering the ramifications. Hence often the so called Peter pans are usually more intelligent in there decision making.

      • Anonymous
        April 2, 2013 at 5:04 am #

        To James Hill – You’re such an ignorant idiot. Not every childless adult goes clubbing, have lavish dinners and spend holidays alone. I’ve stopped going clubbing after my early/mid twenties. I don’t constantly have lavish dinners. And if I did, so what? Also, I have family members (quite a large one for that matter, with countless aunts/uncles, siblings, cousins, parents, nephew, niece, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, grandparents, parents, second cousins, etc.) and friends I spend holidays with.

        You have such a narrow mind that I wonder if you live under a rock and have never gotten an education.

        • James Hill
          April 8, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

          These are a lot of angry words to justify your lifestyle. The personal attacks are a nice touch too, certainly the hallmark of an overly emotional, immature mindset. Thanks for proving my point

          • Anonymous
            April 8, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

            Actually, I’ve expressed an opinion regarding your intelligence and logic (or lack thereof). Choosing to be childless does not mean that I will be alone during the holidays. Choosing to be childless does not mean that my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, siblings, cousins, etc. will all disappear or cease to exist.

            And to reiterate what other posters have said, having a child does not make someone mature. Not having a child does not automatically mean someone is immature.

            Yes, you do have a narrow mind if you cannot grasp these concepts… Or stupid. Take your pick.

            • James Hill
              April 10, 2013 at 8:24 am #

              Oh, you’re going to be the “cool aunty” that haunts family events and tries to buy love with lavish gifts. In 30-40 years I’m sure your nephews and nieces– who will have families of their own– will be of great comfort to you. Those christmas cards you receive every other year will be just as good as real interaction with children you’ve raised and nurtured yourself.

              • Anonymous
                April 10, 2013 at 8:35 am #

                First of all, I do not celebrate Christmas. Second of all, why do you assume that I would try to buy someone’s love? Third of all, I do not need to birth, “raise and nurture children” to live a happy, fulfilled life and to be loved in return.

                If you want children. Then you have them.
                I don’t want children. So, I won’t have children. And guess what? I am happy with my choice. And you’re happy with your choice.

                I’m flattered, but I don’t understand why you care so much whether I have children or not. I will take it as a compliment that you think I would be a great parent. Thanks!

              • JC
                May 8, 2013 at 3:10 am #

                I find it rather silly that you seem to think the only relationship that could possibly be fulfilling is the one between a parent and their child. Personally, I find relationships to be more fulfilling when I choose the people I associate with based on their merits as human beings rather than the fact that they share some DNA with me. Extended family aside, you don’t think you could be perfectly happy spending your holidays, etc with the person you decided was so great you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them?

              • JJ
                June 10, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

                Poor argument.

                • JJ
                  June 10, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

                  That was directed at Jame’s “cool aunty” comment. This blog has a shitty nesting hierarchy.

          • Anon
            May 2, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

            I hope you’re just trolling because you are a total jerk for pinning these labels on people you know nothing about…. Who the hell do you think you are??? Here’s a scenario for you…. Am I immature????

            I have had four miscarriages in the last two years…. Have gone through years of trying to figure out why I can’t keep my babies past 6 to 10 weeks… I have had multiple doctors tell me there is no answer for the why. I was even sent to an encologist for fear that I may have cancer on top of the devastating losses… I am tired of going through this and can barely pick myself off the floor after such loss and dissapointment. my husband and I decided that we do not want to go through the pain and uncertainty of fertitlity treatment and frankly can’t afford it or adoption. We have decided to accept our infertility and chose not to be parents.

            Is that immature???? If you have some sort of smart ass rebuttle to this…. You’re have no heart.

            • Anonymous
              May 21, 2013 at 9:18 am #

              My husband and I cannot have kids. We are almost 50 (we don’t look our age). People continue to tell us that we can adopt. I am SO TIRED of people inferring that our lives are not good because we did not procreate. I am tired of people making judgment calls on childess couples. I just want to post that parents should THINK BEFORE SPEAKING re what they think a perfect life would be. There is no rule book stating that if you want to be happy, have kids like us. Could people show a little consideration before opening their mouths?

            • JJ
              June 10, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

              I completely agree with you. That’s an aspect of childlessness that hasn’t even been brought up yet.

          • Anonymous
            May 18, 2013 at 10:07 am #

            You actually sound kind of immature, or at least not very worldly. I have not had a family as I have had to deal with serious illness for much of my adult life, so being a parent in addition to taking care of myself, keeping a roof over my head and supporting my own parents would be too much for me. I try to stay positive and help family and my community when I can. There are plenty of people like me, or variations of me. Facing adversity, and perhaps being judged for not doing the norm, actually builds character and builds maturity, as much as more than having a family and the white picket fence. And a lot of the reasons people don’t have kids goes much deeper than you might imagine, from illness to hardship to difficult childhoods. It’s not about having a life like you’re in college — and even if it is, everyone, with children or not, makes decisions about what is the best lifestyle for them. Don’t be so judgmental. Grow up and realize everyone’s circumstances are different. You don’t know why or why not people decide to have kids and it’s none of your business. And of course, the world doesn’t need more people – I’m impressed by people who choose not to have children for concern for the environment/overpopulation.

          • gavin
            January 11, 2016 at 2:49 am #

            Sorry James I have to agree you are not the brightest which supports my argument. Thanks! 🙂

      • Anonymous
        April 29, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

        The decision to not have a child does not mean that one is permanently emotionally or psychologically stunted, as you the above idiot have suggested. Again, the stigma of being considered selfish because I don’t want a child rears its ugly head. The world is so coming into the modern age of being able to accept people who are of the same sex and choose to marry, but not so modern when it comes to other peoples’ decisions to not be in a heterosexual marriage with children. I am not going to be lonely at 60, eating in a restaurant, I have nieces, nephews, cousins, I have friends. To imply that those of us who choose to not do something other people do with their lives, are psychologically messed up, permanently adolescents, selfish, ignorant, etc. is as narrow minded, selfish, ignorant and acting like a cliquish name calling teenager themselves. Why don’t you join the religious right wing and declare homosexual marriage a societal ruin as well? See, now how stupid you sound?

      • Tee
        May 30, 2013 at 6:08 am #

        Tell it James! You are speaking the truth and many cant handle it!

        • JJ
          June 10, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

          Hey Tee, sounds like you found your soulmate. Perhaps you and James should get together … ya never know what could happen 😉

    • Tee
      May 30, 2013 at 6:05 am #

      So true!

  5. October 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    I was actually thinking about this recently. Well.. something along these lines at any rate. It amazes me the lengths to which many of my friends go to simply please the passing desires of their children. I don’t remember it being like this when I was growing up. My single mother worked hard to put food on the table, never once regretted having us, but didn’t waste her hard earned money, precious time and energy, nor her sanity by giving into our passing follies. She set down strict rules and guidelines, which taught me many things as an adult – like how to work hard to get what you need, how to pay for what you need before you buy what you want, and how to actually care about what you are doing and find ways to improve upon it. So many of the younger generation seem to expect people to do things for them, automatically accept their viewpoints without question, or even to provide for them well into their adulthood for no apparent reason. I guess I am just getting old. Or maybe this whole helicopter parent thing is finally coming to a crest – their children are not growing up well because that is not how the real world functions. Welcome to reality!

    • James Hill
      October 31, 2012 at 8:30 am #

      I don’t know what your life was like growing up, but I’ve heard friends echo similar sentiments in recent years. Except… we all had videogames growing up. We had birthday parties and our parents took us to Karate or cricket or whatever every weekend. We raised hell as teenagers and challenged our parents every chance we got.

      Here’s what Socrates said about the youth of his day:

      “Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”

      He wrote that thousands of years ago.

      I think there’s a tendency for us as adults to romanticize our youth. We overestimate the amount of discipline we got, and gloss over the indulgences we received because– at the time– they seemed like something we were entitled to. That’s not to say that there aren’t valid points to be made about the modern style of parenting and the effect it has on kids. But it’s important to temper those observations with the understanding that kids are still developing, and it takes a long time to grow out of selfish thinking and impulsive behaviour.

      • October 31, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

        I think it is fascinating that Socrates wrote that thousands of years ago. I think it shows that things work in a cyclical manner. I wonder if at some time cavemen past were upset with the cultural progression of their youth and vented by drawing on the walls about their “rebellion”. Haha. Different perceptions will see things differently, I suppose.
        I don’t feel that I romanticize my childhood. It would honestly be difficult to do so. However, now that I am an adult I am able to compare my observations from growing up against what I see now. I realize that some of these observations were created while I was developing, but they can be used in my now more mature mind.
        The way I was taught to behave does not only apply to a difference in time, but also a difference in socioeconomic and religious status in comparison to those around me.
        I see children that behave well and am pleased by their laughter. Still, overall.. I notice changes in our current culture about adults and children alike that make me.. glad to not have children. And some changes I have just noticed in the past few years. I don’t think of young kids as sniveling, rotten, etc. I have taken a lot of time to weigh the facts and possibilities. I deal with the biological clock. It’s not fun.
        I’m not shouting in freedom. I’m not acting rashly based on a sense of entitlement fueled with adrenaline. I’m making a weighted, logical decision based on my perceptions of the way the world around me is changing. It isn’t good. I don’t like it. I won’t do it.

        • James Hill
          October 31, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

          I think it’s important to understand that many people growing up in the last twenty years or so in the west have grown up in an inconceivably wealthy and safe society. It’s very natural for children to assume the circumstances they were born into are “normal” and are the way things have always been. They take ipads and xboxes for granted the same way we all take shelter and clean drinking water for granted: it’s just a feature of their every day lives.

          And to someone for whom those things aren’t an every day part of life, or they had to work hard to achieve, it’s galling to see someone act so flippantly towards such privileges. However, being grateful for such things is something children have to learn. It’s the duty of parents, and society at large to instill in the next generation an appreciation for what they’ve been given, but it’s something that takes many years of development.

  6. Anonymous
    December 21, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    I think that it is a wonderful decision not to have kids. Married friends of mine with kids really respect the choice of people not to have children because they know the incredible amount of work involved in rearing them. People can have a fabulous life without the constant stress, worry, demands etc etc that children bring from the age of 0 to 60! Of course they bring joy also but I think that the effort put in to rearing them outweighs this. You’re never done!
    Not everyone who is childless at 60 feels they are missing out. Many of that age with grown up kids never see them anyway especially if they live in another continent. Children can bite the hand that feeds them. Parenthood is a thankless task at times and without a doubt, the hardest job there is. If your kids make a bad marriage partner choice you have to bail them out by in some cases helping to raise the traumatised grandkids post divorce etc.Parents can be very selfish and demanding on their kids too. Also there is no guarantee that your kids will outlive you!
    Childless people at 60 may have siblings and friends that they can share the holiday season with or even elderly parents. Not to mind fabulous nieces and nephews. Also there are some great holidays for those who would like to get some sun etc at yuletide. Voluntary organisation would love help also. What you never had you never missed and it’s way way harder now to raise kids than it ever was.
    For those of you who are 100% in their desire to have kids, good for you! Be the best parent you can be. For those who genuinely do not want kids, that’s fine. Enjoy your life. Live in the present. Have a blast and you have more disposable income for great holidays, meals out etc. Enjoy spending time in the company of other people’s kids if you wish.
    Lots of people who don’t want kids do actually love other peoples .. but can hand them back!
    Happy Christmas to all!

  7. Anonymous
    December 25, 2012 at 4:30 am #

    Oh, i feel so relieved that someone feels so strongly about not having children as much as I do. I always thought that it would come to me but I just realize i don’t want it even more and more.
    i don’t judge the people who want to have kids or who love their kids, but I just wish they wouldn’t judge me too.

  8. Micheline
    December 25, 2012 at 8:00 am #

    I don’t like children, when anyone asks why I tell them “because I have one”. He made it impossible to love him after a while. I was a good mother, I’m a good kind person but my son, for whatever reason was like Satan. My no meant no and my yes meant yes. I tried all of the positive reinforcement tricks; you name it. After he grew up to use and abuse my parents I had enough. Just hearing a screaming, whining brat makes my stomach turn. There should be adult protective services for some of us abused parents who have no rights against their children who end up lying and using the system against adults just to get their way.

    • Tee
      May 30, 2013 at 6:14 am #

      Hate to inform you but unless he has a mental illness, you played a role in him becoming a horrible kid. Ever consider you might not have provided him with what he needed to turn out differently. Usually when I see a kid like yours, I can clearly seebhowbthevparentbplayed a role in them becoming that way.

  9. Michelle
    January 22, 2013 at 6:55 am #

    Okay, I came across this article while searching about vasectomies.

    Anyways, I feel I can offer some insight. I have one child, but spent my life wanting to be childless. Ever since I was a kid I said I would never have children. I now have a 4 year old boy (accidental pregnancy), so I can see things from both points of view.

    First of all, I remember thinking about how selfish is it to have kids. Wondering why have a child? Why bring another person into this world? Well…as far as nature goes reproducing is our one biological purpose. To carry on our DNA. I always knew that, but after having a kid it really clicked. Yes, the sole reasons human reproduce is because we are designed to enjoy sex and love our kids. Believe me, kids are a ton of work, but that’s were the love comes in. My son was a very difficult baby and between breastfeeding and him not sleeping, the first year was very hard. Love kept me going and I would not hesitate to do it again for him.

    Humans are imperfect. We get frustrated with our kids, we feel overwhelmed at times, sometimes we wonder what it would be like if we didn’t have them, but no mentally well, sane person would ever wish death upon their children or threaten to kill them. Posting that quoted rant didn’t help your article out any since it is clear that mother is unfit and not the norm.

    I too remember thinking parents were delusional. That they secretly hated parenting and were envious of my husband and I having more money and freedom. Now I see that is absolutely not the case. I gave up a high paying career to stay at home with my son and I miss it very much, but I do not regret it at all. Even in my darkest of moments when I am exhausted beyond belief I do not regret my son. Sometimes I miss life before him, but that’s human nature to miss the past sometimes. If I could go back to the day he was conceived and make it not have happened, I absolutey would not. I would not change anything about my life right now and being a parent. It’s not what I wanted in my life, but it really is better than any career. Yes, being a stay at home mom is much more fulfilling that my 96k a year job was. There, I said it. I remember being told the same thing by other mothers and rolling my eyes thinking they were liars, but the truth is, having a kid changes you. I see now that wanting to live my life on my own terms was selfish. Giving life is anything but.

    Parents who hate or regret their kids doesn’t prove anything because that is absolutely not the norm. When a parent is overwhelmed by their children that doesn’t mean they hate being parents, it means they are human. We get frustrated with the people we love, that’s life and it doesn’t mean we regret having those people in our lives.

    I love my little boy more than anything and now I pity anyone who doesn’t have a child and will never understand that love, because nothing compares. The love you feel for anyone else in this world is mild compared to what (most) parents feel for their children. I argued that one too but it really is something you can’t possibly grasp until you experience it yourself. I love my family, my husband, and would be crushed if anything happened to one of them, but my son…I would trade everyone else I love in to save him. I would go through hell for that kid. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for him. The love is so strong that is is terrifying at times. Which is why we are stopping at one. As great as he is I think it is frightening to love someone so much. All the worry and fears I have for him…I can’t imagine doing it again. I don’t want to love anyone else this much again.

    I love my husband much more after having his child. There is a bond in that you cannot understand unless it happens to you .

    I do sometimes think that it was wrong of me to bring a child into this cruel world, and I hate knowing all the bad things that this life can possibly bring him. But I never regret him, and believe me, he is a difficult child at best a lot of times.

    I came very close to aborting him when I found out I was pregnant. We were so careful. It happened anyways. I still cry when I think what if I did go through with abortion and missed out knowing and loving him. (Side note, I’m still very pro-choice).

    People do love their kids and wanting to believe otherwise is delusional on your part. There is no shame in remainding childless, there are many reasons not to reproduce. No one owes anyone an explination as to how many children you do or do not have. It’s okay to live the childless life you want, but tolerance and acceptance goes both ways. Accept that most people find fulfillment in their children and love them more than life itself. That is a good thing, because in a world full of hate and violence, parental love is a very beautiful light admist the darkness of humanity.

    • February 27, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

      “I pity anyone who doesn’t have a child and will never understand that love, because nothing compares.”

      I thought your comment was great until you said this. Thank you for basically calling the love we have in our lives worthless.

      I pity someone so close-minded. I’ve got a friend in an abusive family. “Nothing compares”, my foot! How lovely for you!

      • JoeM
        April 18, 2013 at 2:26 am #

        But Kaye, she’s right. I didn’t think so. No one gets it until you have a child. It is what your body is designed for, including all that sex we love to have. It is the point. without it you are missing something that is not really debatable. Having said that, there are a whole lot of people out there who should not have children. The level of selfishness and self-indulgence that has permeated our cutlure dictates in fact that most people are not capable of parenting without fear of hating their lives because they can no longer indulge their whims and fancies. It’s sad really, but I really think a huge swath of the middle class population of this planet have become unable to care for anyone other than themselves — it may take some sort of war or financial collapse to restore sanity..

        I suggest stocking up on vibratrors Kaye – because once you hit 37 or so the pickings will be slim. I do wish you the best of luck though and am glad you have decided not to have kids – you clearly wouldn’t like it.

        • Anonymous
          April 18, 2013 at 2:39 am #

          “a huge swath of the middle class population of this planet have become unable to care for anyone other than themselves — it may take some sort of war or financial collapse to restore sanity..”

          Really? So people are insane because they do not want to have children? Having no desire for children does not make someone selfish. How do you know they don’t care for elders? How do you know they don’t care for animals?

          Personally, I don’t like children. So why should I have them? It’s like I don’t like big sports utility vehicles. So, I don’t buy one. What’s the big deal? There will be plenty others who prefer them and will have them. The world will not come to an end.

          • JoeM
            April 23, 2013 at 2:30 am #

            did you not read what I wrote?

        • May 17, 2013 at 5:12 pm #

          Well, my life doesn’t revolve around relationships and sex, so I’m fine. And you don’t tell me what my body is designed for! Screw you! My body is designed for what I want it to be designed for!

          Not having children isn’t selfish. “Selfish” is abusive parent of the friend I mentioned, who done so much to my friend, she is moving to another country to get away from her household. Whether or not my friends wants children, I don’t know, but she is one of the most caring and considerate people I know. I wouldn’t dare call her selfish if she didn’t have kids, regardless of her reason. Hell, if she said she didn’t because she wanted to indulge herself, I’d tell her to knock herself out! She deserves to indulge herself after the hell she’s been through most of her life.

          • JJ
            June 10, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

            I think he was not talking about your body per se. You can’t deny that people’s bodies are structured in a way that makes conception and child bearing easy (as opposed to being fundamentally very difficult/inaccessible to most). That’s not an arguable point. Whether we use our bodies for that purpose is another story of course, as you said.

        • Anonymous
          June 15, 2013 at 12:10 am #

          “I suggest stocking up on vibratrors Kaye – because once you hit 37 or so the pickings will be slim.”
          What a horrible thing to say. There are many men who don’t want to have children as well. You are also saying her worth and attractiveness as a human being is gone after 37. Terrible, just terrible attitude.

    • Tee
      May 30, 2013 at 6:17 am #

      Get comment Michelle.

    • Nicole
      June 7, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

      Beautifully written, Michelle…your piece is heartfelt–is emotionally honest and powerful. However, you are also objective in acknowledging all aspects of this complex and multi-faceted issue. You are incredibly compassionate towards both those with and without children and yet speak of your life with a child with emotional power and conviction. Your piece is clear and expresses your viewpoint, your side powerfully and evocatively but, at the same time, does not TAKE sides. Thank you for this.

    • Anonymous
      June 13, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

      love your post, it expresses exactly how i feel about my daughter. having another is terrifying as you love them so much its scary. im not sure i could cope loving another child this much! and then when you hear about things that happen to kids like jamie bulger for instance you tend to put your child in that potential situation and feel like you cant breathe. as you said tolerence and acceptance goes both ways.

  10. Dixie Strickland
    February 7, 2013 at 9:58 am #

    Lol @ most of you guys here! I have been a single mother to my 3 boys most of their lives. I lost their dad when I was really young. My compassion goes out to you with young children and I know it is extremely hard! Everything and anything will go through your head when it gets it’s hardest, but most never act upon it. It just that all the screaming, the house being torn apart and many things will make you feel like you are totally losing it sometimes. But the worst is yet to come! My boys are young adults, my youngest being 18. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children with all my heart, and know for a fact if it came down to it, I would die for them. If one of them is not cussing me, the other is treating me as if I shouldn’t exist! One or the. Other rips my heart right out of my chest at least 3 times a week! When they were stomping on my toes, that was a rough time to look back at, but just wait til they get you where it really hurts! Some people have to go get help to help them cope with raising children, I know I did! And it helps. But for those parents who say and claim it’s anywhere near a bed of roses is in denial and are very dillusional! “Leave It To Beaver” is a show only, and there are no Mrs Cleavers!!!!

    • Anonymous
      May 17, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

      And my compassion goes out to you for having to raise three boys without a father. I’m sure you did the best you could with what you had, but children have fathers for a reason, and when they are deprived of one, raising them becomes difficult at best. Hopefully at some point in their adulthood, they will come to terms more fully with their loss and then be able to more fully show appreciation for you, not because you were perfect, but because you were there. Until then, pray for them, and just know that you are not forgotten.

  11. Anonymous
    February 7, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    If I met my teenage daughter on the the street or a coffee shop I would walk away thinking she was the biggest asshole I ever met. Selfish, thuggish , unmotivated and self-entitled.
    UGHHHHH!!!! What a bitch. Nature definately rules over nurture.

    • JoeM
      April 18, 2013 at 2:18 am #

      Your fault

  12. Anonymous
    February 7, 2013 at 10:32 am #

    By the way my other two are quite easy and courtious. However, my oldest can run anyone through the ringer. The vision was much different than the reality. Hang in there !!!!

    • Anonymous
      February 8, 2013 at 1:45 am #

      I’m so fucking tired of people getting offensive because people say they doesn’t want children or they have a very hard time being a mother. For the fucking ones who’s says that don’t even know that parent situation, no, you just go on ahead and fucking bitch about how people like us are so selfish and that we the ones who made our own BED and just got to lay in it. Hell it makes me wonder if you’re so much of a person that love parenthood, well than why the hell are you even reading this blog. I swear…people.

      • Anonymous
        February 8, 2013 at 1:51 am #

        And another thing, stop putting those little fucker’s all over your Facebook pages like it’s something cute. Sometimes people want to just look on their newsfeed without seeing a little ball of shit sitting on a bike or at a Birthday party of some crap.

        • February 10, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

          This genuinely made me lol. “Sometimes people want to just look on their newsfeed without seeing a little ball of shit sitting on a bike or at a Birthday party”

      • February 8, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

        Okay, you’ve convinced me: some people shouldn’t have children.

  13. February 9, 2013 at 1:42 am #

    fuck children, this post rocks.fucking DREAM EATERS is all they are!

  14. Enchilada
    February 11, 2013 at 2:38 am #

    Wow. Great and honest article. Most of these commenters are morons crying about some butthurt.

    James Hill just sounds like a bro with his “you can’t grow up without kiddddddds”.
    Horseshit, yo. Lots of people *help their friends* raise children… and then get talked about as if she has nothing under her belt for all that.

    I’ve got news for the self-important peeps. Your sprogs are not special.

    And the woman talking about how she wanted to kill her MALE child? That’s because raising a boy in the patriarchy is bullshit. Just look at the misogynistic programming mothers of boys have to fight with. Boys are trained to hate all women, ‘specially mom.

    Then when the little dude does statistically male things like shoot up a school and murder a string of hookers, MOM gets the blame. Frankly, mom is the arbiter of life. So if she wants to blow away the piece of shit her son turned out to be, I’ll look the other way.

    So I’m considering having about a girl baby of my own someday. Or maybe no kids. Either way, I’ve been through some horrific shit in my life at the hands of the global elite, so yeah I’m all growed up even in this childless state.

    What I will never, never, NEVER consider so long as we live in the P is having a male child. Anyway, there is a 60 million woman gap in the world due to the trafficking and killing of females. Gotta fill it in, because reeeeaaally take a look at societies in which males surpass females in number. It is UGLY. The War on Women will end fastest after a several women in the next few generations sway for only girl children or have no children.

    The birth strike is already on the rise and it gives women more power in wartime than anything else.

    • February 12, 2013 at 11:19 pm #

      Haven’t heard the word “sprog” for a few years, lol. Interesting comment you leave, though. Thanks for that.

  15. Kris
    February 18, 2013 at 5:29 am #

    I’m child free, in my 40s and surrounded by friends and family who have sort of ‘happily’ bred, but I never feel any pressure to join in, and thank god they never ask me to – they realise it would be cruel to the innocent children think. Plus I’m past it now. I am happy for those who have chosen to procreate and keep the population going, phew we nearly ran out there for a second, but they in turn should be happy for me to go out partying every night and using every penny I earn for a few of my fave charities and to spend the rest on shoes and booze. Who cares! They’ll die surrounded by smiling grandkids etc, I’ll die alone in a vodka haze and my cats will eat my face off. We’ll hopefully both be happy that we were able to make our own choices and die with no regrets.

  16. Kelly
    February 21, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

    This article is a home run! Thank you for being an advocate for those of us who choose not to have children. I am 35 and continually hear complaints from my mom friends regarding their childs behavior, habits and desire for more “me” time. I commend all parents out there, as it sounds very difficult to raise a child. As for me, the child free one, I will continue to relish sleeping in on my days off, spontaneous trips and my sanity.

  17. Anonymous
    February 22, 2013 at 3:26 am #

    I am 37 and living a happy fulfilled life with my husband WITHOUT children. I have never wanted children, but that is not to say I dislike them in fact I get on great with kids. Whether you chose to have children or choose to live your life without them is a personal choice, and with any choice there is the possibility of regret. I have spoken to friends who adore their children, but have some regrets about timing, career, dreams etc. I have also spoken to people who never wanted children, but then in later life questioned their decision. Don’t judge other based on your personal preference, just live and let live people!!

  18. February 22, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    I don’t regret knowing them. They are amazing people in the process of growing up and it’s one of the most rewarding feelings to play a part in that. I value my relationship with them as individuals. (It bothers me a wee bit that you relate parenting to having pets…) BUT it is also, I believe, THE HARDEST thing you will ever go through if you decide to have kids. LIFE long commitment to a relationship, or several, with people who YOU made. YOU raised. You are responsible for their choices for 18 years and sometimes beyond. And you may or may not even like the people they turn out to be. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to take on that amount of responsibility. It is insane. But I personally LOVE my kids. They are hilarious. It is a truly amazing life experience to watch a person start out from nothing and become whoever they are to become. If you don’t want to be a parent, I highly recommend getting involved with children at least once in your life. Kid’s have the best things to say. 🙂 BUT DAMN! It’s a hell of a lot of work! I do believe it keeps me young.

  19. February 22, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

    Most any choice you make in life, you undergo some amount of change. With change there is naturally a sense of loss. But more often then not, you find beyond your horizon things you never knew you’d have and are grateful for. It’s a mixed bag for sure. I had to mourn the things (time, certain experiences) that I said goodbye to on becoming a parent… But the new things I believe I would miss saying goodbye to much more.

  20. February 27, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    I decided at age 12 that I wasn’t having children. While it is only almost seven years later, I highly doubt I will change my mind. I don’t disbelieve that parenting can be an incredibly rewarding experience for many, but for me, becoming a parent would be like skydiving from 100,000 feet without a parachute – inevitable end of everything. That’s not an exaggeration because I already know that parenthood would put me on the path to self-destruction, mentally and, eventually, physically as well. Thankfully, I figured that out early on.

    I come from a family of many people who should NOT have had children and that includes my own parents. I have friends who, while I love them dearly, shouldn’t have been born in the circumstances they were (and yes, they agree with me on this; we talk about it a lot). They do plan to have children, but they are entirely respectful of my decision not to and I respect theirs and sincerely hope they get what they want.

    I honestly don’t believe you can miss out on something you don’t want. And, truth be told, I had my fair share of child-rearing during all the times I was forced to babysit my sister, starting at age nine. No thanks! The part-time already had me going crazy. I don’t need to be suicidal.

    • February 28, 2013 at 3:22 am #

      When I was in the fifth grade, my girlfriend and I broke up because she wanted only to adopt, and I wanted “my own” children. Funny, huh? Five years later she was a mother.

      When I was 21, I swore off women and marriage. As damaged as I felt, I wasn’t sure I could even take care of myself, much less a wife and children. But at 25 I was married, and at 32 I became a parent.

      Things change. There’s nothing particularly wrong with choosing to be childless, any more than there’s anything particularly wrong with choosing to be celibate. But in doing so, you are choosing to ignore some compelling internal forces, especially as a woman, and 19 might be a little young to say never. Hormones, distance from your childhood, a little seasoning, and (ugh!) love might give you the courage and hope that you need for that decision later on.

      Getting married, for me, felt like skydiving without a parachute, because there was no going back, and I knew I was woefully unprepared. In my wedding video, I look ashen. It still hurts to watch it. But that was twenty years ago, and while marriage is indeed the toughest job I’ll ever love, I believe I’m a better and happier man for it. Sometimes God is your parachute, and you can’t see that until you jump.

      I recall the lyrics from the Amy Grant song “How Can We See That Far,” from her Heart In Motion album, which came out a year before my wedding:

      We said our promises by candlelight
      You held my hands, I was dressed in white
      We were young
      How can we see that far?
      How can we see that far?

      I knew I wanted you like no one else
      I told my momma that I’d found myself
      In your eyes
      How can we see that far?
      How can we see that far?

      But like your daddy said
      The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
      And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
      And the mighty wind that knocks us down
      If we lean into it
      Will drive our fears away.

      And when I woke up in the dead of night
      To hold my hands, push away the fright
      Life had come–a son
      How can we see that far?

      Yeah, we were nervous and a little scared
      Until the music of our baby’s cry
      Filled the air
      How can we see that far?

      But like your daddy said
      The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
      And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
      And the mighty wind that knocks us down
      If we lean into it
      Will drive our fears away.

      We might die
      We might live
      We could hurt each other badly
      Do things, things so hard to forgive
      Ooooh, and if time is not our friend
      Your mind might forget me before the end
      And oh, I cannot
      I cannot look that far.

      But like your daddy said
      How can we see that far?
      The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
      And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
      And the mighty wind that knocks us down
      If we lean into it
      How can we see that far?
      Got to lean into it
      Will drive our fears away
      It’s the same sun, yeah
      And the same rain
      It’s the same sun
      And the same rain.

      Here’s the YouTube link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e3_prpBm5LY

      Anything can happen, Kaye. Life might surprise you, and you might surprise yourself, in the sweetest, and sometimes the bittersweetest, of ways. Just keep your heart and mind open, and know that you are loved by the One who made you. Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.

      • February 28, 2013 at 8:34 am #

        A couple of things: I’m an atheist, so do not care about God. Second, if I can say “never” at 12 and continue to say it at 18 (19th birthday hasn’t arrived yet), I’m pretty sure ten years won’t make a difference. Marriage is something I’m on the fence about, but that’s a different subject altogether, really.

        Yeah, anything can happen and not always for the better. Like I said, I figured out early that parenthood was not a good path for me and I am not taking such a plunge on the chance that I may have been wrong. I don’t do anything I don’t want to simply on the chance that I might like it after all.

        And what “compelling, internal forces” are you talking about? The closest I have to a maternal instinct is loving my friends and wanting to kick anyone who hurts them. I have no desire to reproduce and I feel no urge to. How can I ignore what’s not there?

        • February 28, 2013 at 10:15 am #

          What you are and whether you care about God has no bearing on who He is and whether He cares about you. You’re entitled to your convictions; He’s entitled to His.

          If I have to name those forces for you, Kaye, then discussing them with you would be pointless. I’m not predicting your future. I’m not discounting your past. I’m not suspecting your intellect. I’m just saying that at your age, about this subject, you might not even know what you don’t know.

          When you were five, you had no breasts to ignore. But my guess is they arrived eventually, and when they did, you noticed. Apart from what the law might say, physiologically, you’re not fully baked yet. Time will tell what’s there to ignore, and what is not. Until then, declare all you want. I’m sure that whatever comes and goes, your passion will remain. That’s a good thing. Peace!

          • James Hill
            April 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

            There’s no real sense in arguing with her, Brian. People are notoriously bad at judging how they’ll change, and they don’t get any better with age. More importantly, people are simply less mature now than previous years because we allow ourselves an extended adolescence. The world is full of women who adamantly didn’t want children right up until their thirties and then spend the dwindling years of their fertility desperate to conceive. More important, I see zero point in trying to convince someone that doesn’t want kids to try and have them. The world has enough unloved children as it is.

            • April 10, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

              I agree with some of your conclusions, but I still maintain that I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind about having children. I just want to encourage someone in their teens to leave their options open, no matter how they feel thus far. I think that’s good counsel for teens on a lot of levels. Once I’ve made my point, and I think I have with Kaye, what she does with it is her responsibility, as is the decision to have or not have children. As you said, there’re plenty to go around as it is.

          • Anonymous
            June 15, 2013 at 12:18 am #

            There is no god, so what you are saying is nonsensical.

        • March 1, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

          I have no desire to reproduce and I feel no urge to. How can I ignore what’s not there?

          The only non-transmissible genetic trait is sterility.

          Perhaps you care little for having children, but society as a whole should have a plan for its continuation after your death. You’re not hurting anyone, but the trend as it stands can hurt society as a whole.

          • March 2, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

            I wouldn’t say not having children even counts as a trend… is world population growth slowing down?

            • March 2, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

              Only in countries where children are considered a commodity instead of a blessing.

            • JoeM
              April 18, 2013 at 2:39 am #

              In develpoed countries – absolutely it has slowed down drastically. In most parts of europe births are below the replacement rate. In Japan same thing. china even more so though that is by force but the trend will remain even if the one child restriction is lifted given the economics of urban life in that country. All of this is the result of a trend towards consumption and consumerism. Not discounting that you need less labor than on the farm, but people are just filling their lives with things and desires instead of filling their homes with family. People are children until their 40 and then they get lonely and realize their mistake when it is too late. Only in a very rich society do people have this level of luxury that allows them to overrule their basic biological function.

          • Sunny
            April 4, 2013 at 4:53 am #

            You need to Google “effects of overpopulation
            This world is overpopulated.

            People who choose to not have kids (which is rare) are doing this over-populated world a favor.

            “Something to consider: On average, the world’s popuation grows with a net increase of more than 200,000 people per day. This is every day, adding to an already terribly overpopulated Earth. …every day.”

            Doesn’t that scare you? It scares me!

            Food: one billion people, one out of every seven people alive, go to bed hungry.Every day, 25,000 people die of malnutrition and hunger-related diseases.

            Water Shortages: About one billion people lack access to sufficient water for consumption, agriculture and sanitation. Aquifers are being depleted faster than they can be replenished.

            Air quality: Pollution from smokestack In many regions of the country, childhood asthma rates have risen dramatically in the past 20 years.

            Oil and gas are the underpinnings of what is, historically-speaking, the extremely cheap and fast transportation that today’s huge population depends on. Imagine how we could feed and supply our huge cities (N.Y., L.A., London, Mexico City, Peking) if all the hauling was done in horse-drawn carts and sailing ships.

            The World’s forests are another resource that is strained by our growing population. Not only are they a source of fuel and building material, recent research has focused on forests’ ability to sequester greenhouse gases and protect us from global warming.

            Conflicts and Wars: Some of the most brutal and persistent conflicts and full-out wars of the past decades include the stresses of overpopulation and conflict over resources.

            UNDER-POPULATION is not a problem in this world. Not at all!!!!!

            • JoeM
              April 23, 2013 at 2:34 am #

              Or- ban the eating of meat and move to renewable energy sources and your problems are solved.

              In the developed world birth rate has slowed below the replacement rate. It will take the indians a while to get there, but they will – the real estate developers will ensure that it is economically impossible to keep the population growing at its current rate.

        • Louise
          March 10, 2013 at 11:31 am #

          Kay, I also felt that way at 12. I’m 37 this year, and nothing’s changed. I’ve known/heard of some women who’ve changed their mind, but I haven’t. Now that I’m in my last remaining childbearing years, it is an important decision to be sure about. It can be alienating not having that maternal instinct or reproductive urge, but ultimately I’ve decided that if I’m really not sure about having a kid, I probably shouldn’t.

          I think the writer’s point is that parents who DON’T find that the joys outweigh the pain/burden shouldn’t be shamed into not expressing it. Childless people should be more aware of the unhappiness parenting can bring as much as the joys, so they can make an informed decision.

          Statistics show that the more educated a person is, the fewer children they have. Logically, we in modern-day Western first-world countries do not need to reproduce for traditional reasons like help on the farm or old-age insurance. Nor do we need to increase the population. However, logic is not a part of reproduction. It’s biology. For whatever reason, some of us do not feel that urge.

          My husband and I enjoy our life very much and do not plan on having children. I hope that it’s the right choice for us.

        • Anonymous
          March 15, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

          I, too knew from an early age (13) that I wanted nothing to do with kids/parenthood. I’ll be 33 this year and things have not changed in the slightest. There is no “internal force” or whatever garbage. Finally, after almost 8 years of searching and begging, I’ve finally gotten a doctor to agree to tie my tubes so I can officially be done with this nonsense.

          • March 16, 2013 at 1:12 am #

            Just to be clear, Ms. Anonymous, I don’t have a problem with any person who chooses, ultimately, not to have children. Kaye may indeed be one of those to her dying day. That is her right, and I support that right.

            But reproduction is not nonsense or garbage. It’s something else entirely. It’s biology. And it’s not just mechanical; it’s chemical as well. That facet of biology does create a strong drive in humans, and all animals, to reproduce. To disagree is not to disagree with me, but with established science.

            Any drive can be suppressed by our experience, and our will. Yours might be one example. That doesn’t mean the drive is non-existent. My wife, for instance, didn’t eat much at all from ages 12-19 because she was afraid of getting sick. Anorexic before anorexia was widely understood, she, at her worst, was 5’6″ and weighed 92 lbs. But underneath all of that fear was a normal hunger drive, and thank God, it functions pretty well these days, all things considered.

            To be sure, the most obvious and constant expression of the reproductive drive is the derivative drive to have sex. If you have a sex drive — and you apparently do, or you wouldn’t be seeking sterilization— that’s your body expressing the drive to reproduce, whether you acknowledge it or not. It’s there.

            If you short circuit that process and co-opt that drive for more narrowly defined purpose, that doesn’t remove the underlying reason that you have it. Rest assured, if there was no need to reproduce, sex wouldn’t exist, period. Knowing that doesn’t mean that all sex is intended to do is give us children. But it is the reason without which the others wouldn’t be.

            The drive to have children is a beautiful part of being human, as is sex. The suppression of either is usually, but not always, an indication that something is wrong, and the reaction to that wrong is often not to participate, to consciously or subconsciously choose to not satisfy the drive. Sometimes that is a good and fair reaction to that wrong thing. Sometimes that wrong thing can be corrected, or at least mitigated, and the affected drive rises to its normal relevance in the individual’s life. Sometimes it can’t. In either case, there should be no judgment of the individual.

            So stand my words to Kaye. My point is not that she couldn’t be right about herself. She may be. I have a number of unusual convictions that I have maintained from my childhood. I also have a number of convictions that I’ve changed or released since then, as I’m sure you at 33, if you’re honest here, would admit for yourself. My point with Kaye was simply that she should, at 18 years old, despite her current state of mind, wait a bit before she declares to herself or the world, “Absolutely never.” “I’m retiring forever” are the most famous last words ever.

            I’m just saying, statistically, the odds are against any one person like you, because for every one of you, there are 10,000 others who swore the same conviction in their youth and have long since recanted. That fact doesn’t confer any moral status to either you or them. There are exceptions to every rule. You apparently are one. But there aren’t many.

            Of course, Kaye is not just a statistic. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone but her where she falls. I just think she, at 18, should stay open to some quite likely possibilities that she might not always see as negative.

            • Anonymous
              March 16, 2013 at 5:13 am #

              Actually, there would still be reason to have sex; simply because it’s pleasurable. If it was purely for reproduction, women would be fertile at all times or only be aroused during fertile periods, naturally infertile people would not even have sex drives (which they still do), and every sexual encounter would result in pregnancy (sans birth control, of course).

              • April 7, 2013 at 5:56 am #

                Except that sex wouldn’t exist if humans didn’t need to reproduce. Consequently, you wouldn’t know about the pleasure of sex if sex didn’t exist. I didn’t say sex was purely for reproduction. I said that reproduction is the raison d’être for sex, not pleasure, your sentiments not withstanding. From a purely biological point of view, sexual pleasure is just an incidental means to an end, which is reproduction, by the way. In other words, you wouldn’t think that pleasure was a good reason to have sex (and it is!) if human reproduction didn’t naturally require sex. In this regard, your desire is driven by your biology, pure and simple. So much for free will, eh?

                None of your rationales stand on their own. As mammals, it is very common for females to have regular cycles of fertility and infertility, which are necessary to dispose of old eggs and replace them with fresh ones. None of that keeps males from constantly seeking fertile (and therefore more willing) females with which to mate. That is in fact what they do. But the existence of that cycle by definition means that every instance of copulation doesn’t result in pregnancy. Thus falls your theory that reproduction as a sole reason for sex requires constant female fertility, or that the same would mean all sexual intercourse would result in fertilization.

                Of course, women do have a much greater desire to mate when they are fertile. Why? Because it is easier for a woman to have an orgasm when she’s fertile. Why? Because her body wants to reproduce, that’s why!

                And as for infertile couples, well… infertility is an aberration, not the norm. Even for those born infertile, to call their condition “natural” is a misappropriation of the term. The natural state of adult humans is fertility. And although fertility and sexual drive work symbiotically, to assume that they can’t exist independently of each other is as illogical as saying that because my hunger drive is missing, I don’t need to eat.

                All in all, your response so far has been driven by emotion, not facts. Believe what you will, but don’t be deluded about it. Just admit that your feelings drive you, and not much else.

                • Anonymous
                  April 7, 2013 at 8:47 am #

                  “Except that sex wouldn’t exist if humans didn’t need to reproduce.”

                  Source? I’m curious as to where your proof of this is.

                  The point about animal fertility is that sex isn’t solely for reproduction; there is another purpose (recreation). Female animals go through heat cycles and typically have sex only during those times because they don’t do it for recreation like humans do (except dolphins, of course). If the main point was reproduction, why aren’t the behaviors the same? Why aren’t women fertile longer? Women wouldn’t even bother with sex when not fertile and have no drive for it; no baby, no point (not to mention the supposed pregnancy horniness that occurs with some women that I’ve heard about. It’s not like they can conceive again).

                  “Of course, women do have a much greater desire to mate when they are fertile. Why? Because it is easier for a woman to have an orgasm when she’s fertile. Why? Because her body wants to reproduce, that’s why!”

                  Source, please.

                  “Even for those born infertile, to call their condition “natural” is a misappropriation of the term.”

                  Whether it’s common or not is irrelevant. The fact that it’s a naturally occurring condition makes it natural infertility; unless you’re intent on shaming these people for something they have no control over.

                  “All in all, your response so far has been driven by emotion, not facts.”

                  I say the same about yours. You seem to make a lot of statements claiming they’re fact with no sources to back them up.

                  “Believe what you will, but don’t be deluded about it. Just admit that your feelings drive you, and not much else.”

                  lol, I hate to burst your bubble, but just because you don’t want to believe that some of us aren’t born with a maternal instinct doesn’t mean we don’t exist. There was no drive that kicked in and decided I needed to ruin my life with that garbage and your smug, inflated sense of self-righteousness isn’t going to change it.

                  • April 10, 2013 at 4:57 am #

                    This thread is starting to sound inane. I’ve already acknowledged that reproduction isn’t the only reason humans have sex, and that pleasure is another reason. We agree. Can we move on?

                    The problem here is, I’m arguing that the main benefit of the Sun to the Earth is light and heat, and you’re arguing that it’s pretty rainbows.

                    Just because I don’t list sources for my conclusions doesn’t mean I’m being emotional. That conclusion in itself is a logical error. Scientific inquiry is a fine thing, but often expensive, and not always necessary, or even possible. Logic and common sense sometimes suffice, and in the case of proving empirically something that happened millions of years ago, if at all, sometimes must suffice. Logic unveiled many of the world’s greatest natural truths long before the scientific method was invented.

                    I’d be hard pressed to find scientific research seeking to prove the main reason for the existence of sex, just as I’d be hard pressed to find a study establishing the reason for ice in the Antarctic. The scientific community isn’t questioning the reason for either. But a cursory reading of any scientific source material about the evolution of sex, or ice in Antarctica, makes plain that both premises serve as a framework for any scientific discussion about either subject.

                    And just as obviously from an evolutionary perspective, if reproduction had been unnecessary, so would sex be. Biologically, what is unnecessary doesn’t evolve. But even where pleasure in vertebrates isn’t evident, sex still is. If you know of some species out there that uses sex exclusively for pleasure and never for reproduction, please tell me so that I might reconsider your implication that sex could evolve purely for pleasure as an end unto itself. Unless I’ve misunderstood you.

                    When someone is born with a cleft palate, we don’t shrug off that condition as “natural.” And we are not accused of judging them if we don’t. Same with infertility.

                    You’re defining “natural” as something that occurs without any apparent artificial intervention, I’m defining “natural” as a design manifested in fully functioning form. In that sense, humans born without the ability to ever procreate sexually are not a natural occurrence. If I’m born with only one kidney, it might have occurred as a natural aberration, but that doesn’t mean it’s the natural state of human physiology. Admitting that is not a judgment of my worth as a human being. It’s just a recognition of my physical condition.

                    Your enjoyment of sex doesn’t mean that it exists because you enjoy it, any more than your use of a wood furnace means that wood and metal exist to keep you warm, although that’s a perfectly understandable conclusion to draw in a culture that teaches self-actualization as the ultimate pursuit.

                    Self righteousness is ascribed to those who assert that they are better than others. That’s not me here, anymore than it’s you when you don’t parrot me. I don’t think you’re less of a person than I because we disagree and choose to live accordingly. But if it makes you feel better to call me names rather than admit the fragility of your position, have at it.

                    It’s not impossible for a woman to be born without a maternal instinct, anymore than it’s impossible for a woman’s life to be threatened by a pregnancy. But unless you’ve not experienced any of the other usual results of hormones that transfrom a girl into a woman, I think it’s much more likely that that instinct is being suppressed, maybe even by something after birth but before adolescence, just like I think it’s much more likely that the average abortion is ultimately a matter of will, conscious or not, rather than physical necessity.

                    I’m willing to admit that some women are missing a maternal instinct. Are you willing to admit that some women are suppressing theirs, whether or not they are aware of it?

                    To reiterate: Have children or don’t. Having children is not a moral mandate, something that you owe the rest of us. Nor is choosing to be childless a choice that you should feel compelled to justify to me or anybody else. I don’t take issue with your decision, per se. But I do think your description of procreation and motherhood as “garbage” and “nonsense” that would ruin your life strongly suggests, wittingly or not, that your motivations behind that decision are essentially emotional, not biological.

                    Whatever your path, I wish for you the peace that passes all understanding, which, as luck would have it, doesn’t require physically birthing or raising children.

                    • Anonymous
                      April 11, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

                      “Can we move on?”
                      Then why did you start on me to begin with? All I said was there would still be a reason to fuck if procreation was off the table. You apparently weren’t happy with that and continued with a three page dissertation on why that was a problem. Now you’re complaining when I’m continuing with this nonsense. You brought this on yourself.

                      “…you’re arguing that it’s pretty rainbows.”
                      Where do you come up with these analogies? No, that’s not the argument. The chemicals (such as oxytocin) released during sex/orgasms are important for human pair bonding. This is very important for relationships and even the structure of societies. That pleasure aspect is a lot more complex than merely “if it feels good, do it” (if anything, that’s the light to your heat if you insist on using that ridiculous analogy). You truly disregard just how important this has been to human survival? Anyway, as I’ve said before, if the main purpose of sex was purely to reproduce, it would be tied to fertility as we’d want/need to maximize reproduction. That is not illogical; that’s how we know it works with other species at this time. Hell, if the goal was purely to maximize the number of offspring, we would reproduce asexually.

                      I don’t doubt procreation is a benefit of sex (I never said it wasn’t, I merely said there’d still be reason to do it even if procreation was taken out of the picture, which you seemed to disagree with), however it is not THE ONLY benefit. I argue it isn’t even the most important aspect. If that’s not good enough for you, that’s your problem, not mine.

                      “…doesn’t mean I’m being emotional.”
                      So ok, I’m emotional, but we need to take everything you say at face value. Of course.

                      “…not always necessary, or even possible.”
                      If only someone would invent a global source of information that one may access via computer, phone, or tablet, which permits the search of various topics of interest (as well as pictures of cats)…

                      “…scientific method was invented.”
                      Not when you’re complaining about a lack of science-based facts to my argument. If you’re going to talk the talk…

                      “…reason for the existence of sex,”
                      Human sexuality is a very popular subject. I bet you could find something if you bothered to look.

                      “Biologically, what is unnecessary doesn’t evolve.”
                      Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you used your nipples?

                      “Unless I’ve misunderstood you.”
                      So it must be all-or-nothing to fit your criteria? The fact that humans are able to separate procreative sex from recreational
                      is proof enough, and it’s entirely possible that someday humans could get to the point where natural reproduction is impossible and they must rely on artificial means, meanwhile sex still exists. Anything is possible.

                      “And we are not accused of judging them if we don’t.”
                      Treating them as they’re abnormal because of it is judging them.

                      “…it exists because you enjoy it”
                      I didn’t say it did, however I did say that humans have a reason to participate other than breeding. Women also have a body part purely for sexual pleasure with absolutely no reproductive value, as well.

                      “That’s not me here”
                      Really? Sure seems like it.

                      “anymore than it’s you when you don’t parrot me
                      Where did I parrot you? Because I merely asked for proof of your claims? If that’s all it takes…

                      “…if it makes you feel better to call me names…”
                      lol I didn’t call you names. I merely pointed out the rather nasty tone in your posts to me, but hey if you’d rather feel victimised and lie about what was said in an attempt repair your fragile ego, feel free (there’s the parroting).

                      “…that instinct is being suppressed…”
                      An army of babies in buggies invaded my village when I was twelve. They burned my hut and held me captive; feeding
                      me nothing but sour breastmilk and stale cheerios while forcing me to walk on Legos. When I finally escaped, I vowed I would never contribute to the roving baby armies that plague the land.

                      Seriously? Are you a doctor or scientist? Have you been researching this subject? You’re making assumptions based on preconceived notions that you have about people and sexuality. You have no idea as to what you’re talking about. Do you also assume gay people are just suppressing their urge to be heterosexual?

                      “I’m willing to admit…”
                      How big of you. Please show me where I ever denied some women merely choose not to have children. Some even chose not to have them despite greatly yearning to do so. THAT is suppressing the urge. I don’t know what you think you’re gaining here.

                      “…you should feel compelled to justify…”
                      I never felt compelled to justify anything. All I wanted to do was show Kaye some support when you gave her a typical
                      breeder bingo. However you certainly seemed to feel compelled to justify breeding.

                      “I don’t take issue with your decision, per se.”
                      Um, great? I can finally sleep at night now.

                      “…motherhood as “garbage”…”
                      My first use of the term occurred as I’ve grown weary of the typical breeder bs you were spewing. My later use came about because the first time obviously bothered you.

                      “…wish for you the peace that passes…”
                      Sure you do; all while you condescend throughout your entire post and even toss in a cheap potshot or two. S’all good, it’s just the internet.

            • mamei
              March 26, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

              Talking about biology, some women are wired not to desire parenthood.
              Quoting from an article:
              “The only consistent biological theory is that women with no desire to parent either have a high testosterone level or were exposed to above-average testosterone in the womb.”
              “One of the more intriguing notions is that, for many of these women, the lack of interest in children appears to have been in place well before their 30s—in some cases, before they could have even fully grasped the concept of parenthood.”
              -source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/09/19/childless-by-choice-why-some-women-dont-want-kids.html

              I’m one of them. I was never into kids and babies. When I see a puppy I’d be all gushy…. puppies are simply cute! But I feel nothing when I see a human baby. It’s always been like that for me.

              I don’t have any desire for children even after having one of my own. I planned my pregnancy and had my child out of curiosity and to see if I’d feel differently after having a child. Nope, i still don’t want any children and won’t have any more. Curiosity fulfilled – I wanted to know firsthand what it’s really like to have a child. Is it really like all they claim to be? Is it really all that great to have my own child? Well, honestly… it’s not all it’s cracked up to be – I wouldn’t have missed it. That’s not to say I don’t love my daughter. I do and people around me think I’m an overanxious mom (they probably would never have guessed I never had any maternal yearning) because I had to make sure everything’s done right for her. But I know without a doubt that, to me, having a child wasn’t anything out of the world or anything like that. That’s my reality. I will never understand what it’s like to yearn to have a child or to feel out of this world just to hold your baby in your arms. I felt nothing when my newborn was placed in my arms for the first time. No euphoria… just plain old “ok, so this is how it’s like”.

              No one has to feel sorry for my child because she knows I love her. She’s a happy child with a sense of humour. No one has to feel sorry for me either just because I have no maternal desire. I’m just the way I am. I’m just moving on with my life (and thank god for a supportive husband and extended family or I’ll go nuts). There’s nothing romantically fabulous about motherhood to me. Is this sad? Well, I don’t think it is. Why must it be? Things are just the way they are and I’m ok being myself.

            • Childfree not Childless
              April 18, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

              My question is- what do you care if a 12 year old, 18 year old, or 35 year old says they will never have children? If later they decide to have them then so what?

              People typically make choices based on facts as they are presented to them.
              Sure more facts can lead to a change in choice but sometimes those first facts are so ocerwhelming that no additional facts can alter the choice made on them. But really who cares! It is their choice.

              I also think all this “you will change your mind” can lead to some people digging in their heels just to prove a point.

              Just leave people alone. It is her choice and it is her choice to change her mind a dozen times if she wants.

              And BTW I knew at 12 I didn’t want children and no amount of life changes or additional facts ever caused me to choose otherwise because my reasoning still stood as it did 28 years ago.

              • May 18, 2013 at 12:36 am #

                Chill out. I didn’t say she would change her mind. And I do leave people alone, as a rule. I’m not going door-to-door asking people about their lifestyle preferences.

                But why did you respond to me? Because this a public forum and I put myself out there, that’s why. Same thing with me and Kaye. She’s a big enough girl to give it and take it, and did both well. So why do you have to come to her defense? She doesn’t need your response any more than she needs mine.

                I’ll leave people alone as soon as you do. Take that log out of your own eye, and then take me to task on the splinter in mine.

          • May 18, 2013 at 1:00 am #

            I response here because for some reason, your last response to me below (April 11, 2013 at 1:02 pm) doesn’t offer a “reply” button.

            Just to be clear, I didn’t start this with you. You’re the one above who derided my “internal force” comment to Kaye, obviously in disagreement. Nothing wrong with that. But that’s where it started. You took issue with me, not the other way around.

            The rest of your response below is just obfuscation and running around in circles.

            “Are you a doctor or scientist?” When I’m debating someone who starts turning the subject into me instead of the issue, I know the real conversation is done. See ya.

            • Anonymous
              May 18, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

              “Just to be clear, I didn’t start this with you. You’re the one above who derided my “internal force” comment to Kaye, obviously in disagreement. Nothing wrong with that. But that’s where it started. You took issue with me, not the other way around.”

              So, because I referenced two words that you said in passing means I must obviously have something against you personally? Really? What happened to that noise about kids suddenly making you realize the world doesn’t revolve around you that parents always tell me about?

              As I stated previously, which I will state again and again, and again until you finally get it: all I was doing was showing Kaye some support when she was given a typical breeder bingo. Nothing more, nothing less. You just happened to be the one who gave it to her. Don’t like it? Don’t do it.

              “The rest of your response below is just obfuscation and running around in circles.”

              Then prove it, doc.

              ““Are you a doctor or scientist?” When I’m debating someone who starts turning the subject into me instead of the issue, I know the real conversation is done. See ya.”

              ‘You’re so vain…you probably think this (post) is about you…’ now I guess I turned it into a post about Carly Simon, huh? Or does this mean I must have a problem with her since I’m paraphrasing her?

              This isn’t about you, and it never was, however when you personally dig at people in your posts, expect to get it in return. Welcome to the Internet.

              • May 19, 2013 at 2:23 am #

                I didn’t say those words, “internal forces,” in passing. I choose my words deliberately in a forum like this, unlike those who toss around phrases like “breeder bingo,” a standard buzz phrase among the childfree, designed to dehumanize and shut down those who use a common list of arguments to question a decision to remain childless.

                What’s interesting is, your anger alone has put me in that group, because I’ve not used a single “breeder bingo” argument. Here’s a link to what you reference, but I haven’t said: http://whynokids.com/advice-tips/breeder-bingo/. Check all that I’ve written here. Nothing I’ve said mirrors or matches those on the “breeder bingo” board. My cardinal sin was that I encouraged Kaye to keep her heart and mind open at the tender age of 18, just in case. And then I dared to challenge your reference to my post. Oh, for shame!

                Notice that I didn’t take issue with Louise (March 10, 2013 at 11:31 am), who preceded you in responding to Kaye. That’s because she simply gave Kaye her own encouragement without making reference to anything I said. Of course, Louise is a touch older than you. Maybe you’ll mellow with a few more years.

                I don’t have a fundamental problem with anyone’s decision to remain childless. My response to Kaye was not with the essence of her decision, but rather the timing of it.

                I didn’t think that your reference to my words meant that you had something against me personally, although, in retrospect, when you cite them as “breeder bingo,” it certainly sounds like you do.

                You label me and judge me for what you project onto me, instead of what I’ve actually said here. You’re doing to me exactly what you find abhorrent when done to the childfree: discounting my worth because I’m not like you. You’ve shown yourself to be one of those who is all about tolerance, until it’s your turn, that is. You are the one who has taken this conversation so personally.

                The arguments given on this page for not having children are no less standard among the militantly childless than are the arguments of those who would relentlessly question them: “I’ve want to live my life.” “I’ve never liked children.” “I don’t have the urge.” “I had a hard childhood.” “They cost too much money.” “I’d rather do something useful.” “The world is too populated.” I could go on.

                How would you like it if I roundly categorized everything you said as “barren bitch bingo,” regardless of whether you said those things above, or not? Would it be fair to characterize your decision as having no more consideration from you than an infertile female dog would give? Is it fair that you characterize me as a “breeder,” like I’m domesticated animal or one who breeds them, as if my reasons for having children are simply utilitarian and otherwise thoughtless? The answer to both is, absolutely not. We can do better.

                I am not your enemy, or that of anyone else here, nor have I sought to be. If you have encountered many suggesting that you’re less of a person or adult because you’ve chosen not to have children, I’m sorry about that. But I am not they.

                You won’t find me here digging at anyone or calling anyone names. I’m not entirely above it, and I may slip on occasion, but on this sensitive an issue, I want to give everyone some room to stretch out in expressing themselves, and the benefit of the doubt when emotions run high.

                I’m just trying to have a conversation. This one has certainly been interesting, if not particularly productive so far. But hey, I’m not writing it off. At my tender age, I’m keeping my heart and mind open.

                • Anonymous
                  May 19, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

                  “I didn’t say those words, “internal forces,” in passing.”
                  But *I* did. Again, this wasn’t about you and it never was. My original post was about my experience in my life and it had nothing to do with you save for a very brief quote of your bingo. If I had, perhaps, said something like “there are no internal forces like that d-bag up there said,” THEN I could understand you being upset (fyi, before you whine about it, I *wasn’t* just calling you a d-bag; I was using it to illustrate my point, but I await the condescending six page reply accusing me of calling you a d-bag and how you really aren’t one and you’re just a really great person that is really perfectly ok with people not having kids unlike me who is just horrible and mean, all while you claim you’re above the name-calling).

                  “…I’ve not used a single “breeder bingo” argument.”
                  lol you used a variant of “you’ll change your mind” and insinuated that because Kaye is female, she *especially* should feel the pull to have children (ie: “it’s what you’re made for”). Those are both typical arguments used against the childfree by breeders. Of course, you wouldn’t understand that because you’re not childfree *cough*.

                  “Check all that I’ve written here.”
                  hahahaha, there are multiple variants on the “breeder bingo” card and that one certainly doesn’t encompass *all* of the typical arguments we get. Also, you don’t have to use the exact precise phrasing for the general sentiment to be the same.

                  Just something I’d like to note from the link you posted: “It’s staggering how often perfect strangers presume to know me better than I know myself. So quick to assume, to judge, to advise.” Sound familiar?

                  “…just in case.”
                  Because we totally never heard that from anyone. Not from parents, siblings, acquaintances at parties, strangers on the internet, or doctors who then deny sterilizing us, y’know, “just in case.”

                  “Maybe you’ll mellow with a few more years.”
                  I really get a kick on how you get all huffy and whiny about how you’re being attacked, and then throw in digs like this. It’s really entertaining, heh.

                  “…but rather the timing of it.”
                  Who bloody cares? It’s not your life and not your problem. If someone who claimed childfreedom later did change their mind, do you smugly tell them “I told you so?” Better yet, do you also tell women who say they want children someday when they’re 18/19 that they should really “keep an open mind” because they’re too young to be making such a big decision now? Somehow, I highly doubt it, and if not, that would make you a hypocrite.

                  “…you had something against me personally,”
                  Obviously, you do since you’re turning this ENTIRE thing into a giant personal attack against you.

                  “You label me and judge me for what you project onto me,”
                  “ME ME ME” everything is about “ME”. I said you gave a typical breeder bingo; I never called you one, but go ahead and keep claiming you’re a victim.

                  “…instead of what I’ve actually said here.”
                  I tried arguing content, and you apparently wanted to talk about you, so…

                  “…discounting my worth because I’m not like you.”
                  *eyeroll* Wow, dude…just…wow. The sky must be awfully dark in your world.

                  “You are the one who has taken this conversation so personally.”
                  lol Yeah, sure seems like it’s me *cough*…

                  “…regardless of whether you said those things above, or not?”
                  I’d totes start crying. For realz, because some random dude on the Internetz called me something bad. Give me a break, lol.

                  “Would it be fair…”
                  I hate to tell you this, but…life ain’t always fair.

                  “…We can do better.”
                  Oh yeah, no I’m certainly the one taking this super personally and not you. This previous paragraph totally just proved that. GOOD JOB!

                  “I am not your enemy,”
                  That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? You act as if breeders, parents, childless, and childfree are somehow at war…

                  “You won’t find me here digging at anyone or calling anyone names.”
                  LOL I suppose all of your posts to me just don’t count, huh? Right, right…

                  “I’m just trying to have a conversation.”
                  No, you’re not. You’re whining about being attacked and talking about yourself. I really wish my salary was as big as your ego.

                  “I’m keeping my heart and mind open.”
                  Suuuure. It really shows.

                  • May 19, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

                    What really shows is the audacity of your ignorance. I didn’t become a father until I was your age. I know very well what it’s like to be childfree, thank you.

                    My argument to Kaye was simply that at 18, she might hedge her bets about something so common and compelling in the human experience. That’s different from saying she will change her mind. But here’re some other quotes from me in previous posts on this page, which you would no doubt declare variants of breeder bingo:

                    “I’m not predicting your future.”

                    “Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.”

                    “… what she does with it is her responsibility, as is the decision to have or not have children.”

                    “I don’t have a problem with any person who chooses, ultimately, not to have children. Kaye may indeed be one of those to her dying day. That is her right, and I support that right.”

                    “So stand my words to Kaye. My point is not that she couldn’t be right about herself. She may be.”

                    “To reiterate: Have children or don’t. Having children is not a moral mandate, something that you owe the rest of us. Nor is choosing to be childless a choice that you should feel compelled to justify to me or anybody else. I don’t take issue with your decision, per se.”

                    Oh, yea. You tagged me. I’m just another breeder.

                    By the way, if the statement “maybe you’ll mellow in a few more years” is a dig to you, then you are the one that needs a welcome to the Internet. I’ve certainly mellowed since I was 32.

                    You’ll undoubtedly come back with more drivel about how I think it’s all about me. But I don’t think it is. It’s about how we debate. And I realized a while back that a rational debate about the issue itself was going to elude us as long as you:

                    A) kept assuming an us/them posture and

                    B) kept demanding to see my pedigree and bibliography over statements as innocuous as “the main purpose of sex is reproduction,” while you made statements like “the chemicals (such as oxytocin) released during sex/orgasms are important for human pair bonding” without offering any substantiation whatsoever. Not that I disagree with the statement. I just gave up trying to figure out why my statement needed proof of my doctorate, and yours needed nothing but your status as childfree.

                    Lastly — and I do mean lastly, no matter what your reply, if you offer one — the possibility of the childfree and childful being at war honestly never occurred to me until I saw Mr. Beato’s article and the response to it. And still, it was 3 months after that before I made my first commentary on it, consisting entirely of this Faulkerian breeder bombshell of a diatribe:

                    “Okay, you’ve convinced me: some people shouldn’t have children.” Another breeder bingo variation, I’m sure.

                    I’ve had a number of good friends over the years who chose to not have children, and they didn’t seem to be at war with anyone over it, least of all me. Sometimes we just sat and ate beans and weenies, and children never came up.

                    But whatever. More costly wars have certainly been fought over less.

                    And although you’ll surely be tempted to characterize this as breeder bingo and/or find some other way to mock me over it, I mean this: I wish you well.

                    • Anonymous
                      May 20, 2013 at 3:08 am #

                      “…I know very well what it’s like to be childfree, thank you.”
                      lol You really don’t get why I added that, did you? Also, many would argue you know what it’s like to be childless since you eventually went on to parenthood, not childfree.

                      “That’s different from saying she will change her mind.”
                      It’s a variation of the same theme we hear all of the time, but of course you don’t want to hear that. You also never answered my question as whether or not you say these same things to people who claim they want children in the future; I can only assume that means you don’t.

                      “Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.”
                      Oh yeah, this *definitely* doesn’t reek of the smug arrogance of ‘you’ll change your mind.’ Not at all.

                      “I’m just another breeder.”
                      Ok dude, whatever you say. You know yourself and your parenting habits better than I do and were apparently “childfree” at some point in your life *cough*…if you say you’re a breeder, you must be one, but I never said it.

                      “…I’ve certainly mellowed since I was 32.”
                      hahahaha, because that’s when you had your kid, right? And everything was just grand.

                      “B) kept demanding to see my pedigree and bibliography…”
                      I believe I explained this before, but because it didn’t stick, I’ll do it again. If you’re going to complain about the lack of scientific evidence to someone else’s argument, you’d better start backing up your claims with evidence. I couldn’t care less either way, however YOU rose a stink about it. Your arguments are “logic”? Then you’d better back up your claims with proof of said logic. Get it?

                      “…no matter what your reply, if you offer one…”
                      Ah, baiting 😀

                      “And although you’ll surely be tempted to characterize this as breeder bingo..”
                      lol, Wow. You’re reminding me of Amy from the latest episode of Kitchen Nightmares with this. “We just won’t serve anything because it’s all garbage and everyone will just have cakes” (paraphrasing, not a direct quote). You bingo’ed her. You don’t have to admit it to me, but you should admit it to yourself and be done with it.

                  • Honey Do
                    May 19, 2013 at 11:49 pm #

                    U know what all the dumb asses that do not have children and think they know what they’re talking about should get off this page!

                    Sent from my iPhone

        • Anonymous
          April 23, 2013 at 9:52 am #

          I made up my mind at 12 too. Now I’m almost 30 and still feel the same- only more strongly, as others around me have children. Kids just aren’t for me, no matter how many people told me I’d change my mind.

        • Nicole
          June 7, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

          10 years makes a big difference, Kaye. Your perspective will change; you will have experiences, you will grow up and then you will be 30 and 40 and 50 and you will look back at 19 and you simply will not be the same person. Whether you have kids or not, you will change; I assure you.

        • Gaz
          January 11, 2016 at 11:31 am #

          Where can I find ladies like you? Every relationship I have had my girlfriend tried to change me although I had strongly admitted I didn’t wish to have Kids from the start. One morning they decide that they want kids like this year and I’m like you know my view on this and funny enough it has not changed. I’m now 34 although look 25 probably because I have not had to endure the stress of kids 🙂 but now at the age where we get this crap all the time. I knew like you I did not want kids from young age about about 15 and its never changed. In fact the more I see friends and family with them the stronger my desire not to have them. I guess I really need to find someone who genuinely does not want kids and we can live our lives in peace. Don’t get me wrong I love being an uncle to my sister’s kid but you have the best of both worlds plus to be honest as the relatively wealthier and less stressed uncle that lives in Asia the kid gets excited to see me plus I believe I be in stronger position to add more value to his life then his own parent who he probably rebel against anyway.

  21. Anonymous
    March 2, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    It’s selfish to have kids. Aside from the fact that the world is over populated and suffering immensely from it, how much do parents give to the rest of humanity or even their own community? They are only giving to their children and if they’re lucky to their spouse too. I know, I’m a nanny and I see it first hand and experience it. Children are great, surprising and of course there’s the love factor, but from what I’m learning first hand it’s a ton of blood, sweat and tears (and not to mention ALL OF YOUR ENERGY). You truly give up so much in life to give very specifically and pointedly to a child. It is selfish to have children when there are so many people in need and so much to be done in a world that desperately needs attention.

    I have no problem with people who feel it is their calling in life to birth a child or two or even three, but I do not accept anyone stating that choosing not to have children is selfish when having children is selfish!

    • March 2, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

      The world is not suffering from overpopulation. Everyone in the world could stand together in a space less than 30 miles square.

      Rich Western countries throw food away, or let it rot, to bolster prices. Third World rulers with no concern whatsoever for human rights let humanitarian aid go to waste in port after they’ve satiated themselves with it, rather than create a plan to distribute it to their citizens in need. Available educational tools, medical care, and other hallmarks of civilization are routinely denied to billions around the world.

      There’s plenty for everyone on the planet. Our resources are limited only by our imagination and decision to care. We don’t have to choose between the children we want and the children we have. We can love the ones we have and have the ones we want. It’s not natural resources that we lack to provide for the world’s population. It’s heart.

      • April 10, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

        Think what you want. I’ve done the math.

      • CF and Proud
        April 21, 2013 at 3:12 am #

        Did Michelle Duggar give you this false piece of “information”?

        You are only making yourself look like a fool if you truly believe the entire population could fit inside Jacksonville, FL.

        • April 25, 2013 at 2:54 am #

          I’ve never heard of Michelle Duggar. Apparently, you are more familiar with her propaganda than I.

          But as a child, I was fortunate to take some rudimentary arithmetic courses, and those lessons have assisted me in drawing this conclusion which you call “foolish.”

          There are currently just under 7.1 billion humans on the planet. A cursory Google search will confirm this rough estimate at numerous sources.

          There are 5280 feet in a mile. Multiplying 1 mile by 1 mile yields the same actual area as multiplying 5280 feet by 5280 feet.

          A square is a closed, 4 sided shape wherein all four sides are the same length, and each side meets its adjacent sides at an angle of 90 degrees. The area of any square is the length of any side multiplied by itself.

          If you take a square 5280 feet long on any side and calculate the area, the product is 27,878,400 square feet. That’s how many square feet are in a square mile.

          I estimate that the average human — newborns to Sumo wrestlers, Swedes and Japanese, Americans and Ethiopians — is about 2 feet wide from shoulder to shoulder, and a foot thick from chest to back. This seems to be well within estimates around the web, including this one from Harvard University: http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~loebinfo/loebinfo/Proportions/humanfigure.html.

          Again, calculating for area, but this time for the average standing human, I multiply 1 by 2. The product is two square feet.

          To find the square feet required to contain 7.1 billion humans of the aforementioned dimensions, I mulitply 7,100,000,000x2x1, the product being 14,200,000,000. Thus, 7.1 billion humans require 14.2 billion square feet of space in which to stand. If all humans took up that space in a perfect square, shoulder to shoulder, front to back, the space required would be the same, but it would now be contiguous square feet.

          Converting this area into square miles is as simple as dividing 14,200,000,000 by 27,878,400. The resulting quotient is 502.18 square miles. The square root of this number is 22.41 miles, or 22.41 miles square, meaning a square 22.41 miles long and 22.41 miles wide would contain every human being on Earth, front to back, shoulder to shoulder.

          If you expanded that area to 30 miles square you could add a few ping pong tables, a Superbowl, and, I dare say, parking. After that, you could find space to urinate out in the open, and no one would notice.

          And to be clear, using your reference of Jacksonville, Florida (Wikipedia, anyone?), all humans indeed COULD fit into that city’s 874.6 square miles, excluding all of the water in that area, and still have 245 square miles of breathing room.

          What your feelings call foolishness, CF, the thinking world calls math.

          • June 14, 2013 at 12:38 am #

            I do think it’s hilarious and telling that so many of you don’t like what I’ve said here, but not one of you can refute it. Reality’s a bitch, ain’t it?

  22. Vanna
    March 4, 2013 at 2:47 am #

    I have no desire to have children! I don’t have that “mom gene” that makes me go gooey around babies. I’m 100% certain I will not regret not having any either. As if other people can make up MY mind for ME. Get the hell out. Pfft.

  23. Amber
    March 4, 2013 at 11:46 am #

    If more people were honest with themselves that they don’t want to, or just plain aren’t cut out to have kids, maybe less kids would be abandoned, or even just sentenced to live a life where they are only mildly tolerated, none the less enjoyed. Why in the hell would anyone want another person to have a child when that person isn’t even sure they WANT one. (Or flat out said, they don’t want kids.) You should know for damn sure that you want to have a kid if you are going to make that choice. NOT wanting/ needing kids should be talked about more often. People should not reproduce by consequence. It should be on purpose and you better be damn ready to give your life to that child. There is no greater responsibility and it makes me sick how lightly people take creating a freaking person. That new person has to live here. They are dependent on the compassion and capability of the adults in their lives to love them and care for them. So don’t do it, or do it right. If you ALREADY had a kid and regret that decision now? Be honest, by all means but work through that shit. You can’t help what’s happened already but you can learn to love being a parent. Do it for the kid or let somebody else do it. Give that child an opportunity in this life for Christs sake. I think as with any and all regret, the best thing you can do is learn from it, and then move on.

  24. Amber
    March 4, 2013 at 11:48 am #

    (edit: I used ‘none the less’ wrong it there, but you know what I meant..) (;

  25. Anonymous
    March 7, 2013 at 7:39 am #

    If you don’t want kids then don’t have any, nothing wrong with it. And there are absolutely peope who wish they didnt have kids. Are they bad people? Not really, but they are hurtful to the child who didnt choose to live, and now has to live with parents who don’t really want them or regret them. Think back to your mother saying she regrets you or wishes she never had you cause her life would have been way better, it’s hurtful. As an adult it may be understandable, but as a child, you need love and things like that are hurtful. I definitely don’t regret my kids, I love getting up at night, I love the stress, it’s a good stress for me. I was NEVER a baby person, I always had dogs, babies were whatever. But now it changed, my babies r my life.

    And it’s not true about being Grey and ugly if u have kids. My parents had 2 of us and look better then people who r younger then them. Just take care of yourself lol

  26. Anonymous
    March 7, 2013 at 7:58 am #

    I regret having children. I hate parenthood.

  27. Sue
    March 9, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

    I love my child but I do regret it. Every situation is different so we really can’t judge unless we know what the situation is. I find no joy in motherhood @ all.

  28. Anonymous
    March 10, 2013 at 3:57 am #

    I agree with alot of these comments on here, I think it is fine to have kids if you really want them, but if you are having them because someone else wants you too then it’s for the wrong reason. And I respect the ones who don’t want them, not everyone is cut out to be
    a parent. I regret my decision and it has been a hard ride for me, I would never do it again
    I hate it and the way it has turned out. I hate being a parent too I think you can have just as
    good a life without them or maybe a better one, just my opinion

  29. Blahblahblah
    March 12, 2013 at 5:35 am #

    Geez, the attacks on here are nuts. Can nobody see that this is a clearly overwhelmed parent with job burnout. Way to point a finger and judge instead of helping someone.

    Look, I don’t have kids. At least 12 people just stopped reading and decided I must not understand anything about parenting. 3 if those 12 think I have a disease. Of those 3 probably 1 thinks I’m going to hell. Did I mention I’m 32? Most of my friends have kids. We are still friends. They take their kids to the art museums, and occasionally we go out for wine when they can find a sitter.

    Your world doesn’t have to stop because you are or are not a parent. There is nothing wrong with either path.

    One of the greatest leaders of the world Elizabeth I did not have children. Joan of Arc did not have children. Mary Magdalene in the bible was childless. And Sarah, Abraham’s wife was too. So, this isn’t a new thing. Some by choice others not.

    The point is people are called to different lives for a reason. Maybe a person is not supposed to be a parent. Maybe they made a choice that led them off their path and now have a little one that will tag along with them making everything 200 times harder.

    I love my nephews, my godchildren, and I nannied for years. I live watching them grow. Parents do not have the corner market on that.

    However, I’ve seen a lot of stressed out parents too afraid to look like a bad parent so they bite off more than they can chew, push past limits they don’t have, and then end up looking at their child later in wondering what they did wrong.

    Here’s my advice as a childless person whose an outlet for end of wits parents who can’t take anymore. Because anytime you’re responsible for someone’s life, its a stressful pain in the ass whether you want to admit it or not. And if you haven’t wanted to kick your kids out…I bet they aren’t 13 yet.

    1. MAKE time for yourself. If you are stressed with your kids they sense it. Like little vampires can smell blood and fear. If you don’t have time for you at all, they will never learn their own importance. You are leading by example. Your life shouldn’t be all discipline. If you need the house quiet, find a friend, nanny, family member and take a break. If you need more time to wind down, take a vacation without them. You’ll miss them but they’d rather hear your story of a trip than be driven into a lake.

    2. Because you don’t always like them doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Maybe they have drawn on the wall or pooped themselves for the 8th time today and haven’t shut up crying in 6 hours. Admit you don’t like them today. Admit it. There are days I don’t like people who are adults, family, etc. and they aren’t even there 24/7. It’s ok. Then remind yourself you live them and try really hard to think of how funny this story will be to tell every date they have in high school. If you can just get through the next ten years you can embarrass the crap out of this little rat if your still ticked about it.

    3. As for regrets…everyone has them. The truth is we are all called to lead selfless lives. Sometimes you don’t choose your life. Crap happens. But look at the life you have. There’s no point being all , I should never have had these kids. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it. So, suck it up buttercup. You’ve been entrusted to raise a tiny little independent spirit that is not you. It will require being taught everything from how to chew food to how to make choices. Your kid is not you. Your kid is the next generation of the world. Agh!!!!!’ That was scary. Especially when they are making noise just to make noise.

    Live the life you have. It is meant for you for a reason. Maybe the whole reason you have these kids is so you can raise them to be sane parents who realize they don’t have to be perfect. Maybe one won’t ever want kids and you will supply the reasons why. Maybe you didn’t want that job, but you got it and the payment will come later. Right now, its in that 10 previous minutes of nap time.

    4. Learn to meditate. It will do wonders. And help to detach from the drama.

    5. Let your kids know you. Let them learn what you like. They will do the same for you.if you can’t stand them. Tell them. “I can’t stand you today! Go away!” And they will cry and you will have to apologize. And then you’ve taught them something good.

    6. Find some faith. I don’t mean you have to be Christian. Go find a religion because Gid knows you’re gonna need to pray. Not for your child’s safety, but for you. Also, faith groups can help you meet other parents who might also need a break. You can trade off.

    7. get some friends. You need them so you can drink in the kitchen while your children beat each other with plastic ray guns in the living room. When someone needs a band aid you can make them explain how the ray gun did it by its laser beam. And then laugh about it with your friend.

    Look, I don’t have children because I made the decision to get a doctorate. Because I wanted to be out of debt so they could go to good schools, because I dated a lot if douchebags. There’s a host of reasons. Even if I never actually give birth there are millions of kids in foster care to choose from if and when I decide to have a kid. Maybe I’ll marry someone with kids. Maybe I will be a barren wench for the rest of my life. Who cares? I am happy with my decisions. But it would be a lie to say there aren’t times in my own life where I look around and think “where the hell am I? And why the hell did I choose this? “Or even better “what did I do to deserve this crap!”

    Give it time. It’s a bitch now, but it will get better.

    Eve

  30. Too much Sacrifice
    March 14, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

    I just think there is too much sacrifice with children, you have to
    give everything up for them. And as they get older, it gets harder
    and tougher. It really does, and if you are the only parent that does
    everything for your child, then it’s like raising them by theirselves all
    their life and that’s how it is has been for me. I love my son but I would
    have never had one, had I known what I know now. I think other parents
    feel the same way they just might not want to admit it. Only you know for
    sure and who you are. It’s just too hard.

  31. I'm not a happy camper
    March 16, 2013 at 3:07 am #

    Yes very much so this is my opinion & thru personal experience.you might feel
    different about it. Me on the other hand hasn’t been as lucky as you. maybe you
    have wonderful children & I’m happy for you. But I hate being a parent & the day
    in day out struggles. I’m not a happy camper, there I told the truth.

  32. anonymous
    March 17, 2013 at 2:24 am #

    I respect people who don’t want children but i think it is sad to have a life without kids.I know many women who choose not to have children in their lives and now they are old miserable and lonely.They spend there days working since they are lonely and at their age they have no more family.I am 23 years am i am 100% sure i want children.

    If you choose not to have children then who will visit you when you will be old or with who will you celebrate the holidays with? I’d rather have a family of my own and not end up lonely and bored.At least i will have grandkids and a fullfilling life someday.Some people here say they stop living when they have children and that is not true.If you want to go out and have fun why don”t you just babysit your kids.If you regret your kids then why have them? I know my life will still be the same.I will still do my regular activities and take care of myself .

    My mother is almost 60 years old and looks very good and healthy for her age.She is slim and takes care of herself and looks better than most women of her age.Most of the women who have no kids are the ones who end up tired and wrinkly.It suprises me how many people on here regret being a parent since someday when you will wake up at 50 years old you will be proud to have your kids in your life to visit you.

    • PhD making the world a better place for your children
      March 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      To those who include reasons like this one: “then who will visit you when you will be old or with who will you celebrate the holidays with?”

      THAT is the most selfish and fearful justification for bearing children that I have ever heard. Please think of better reasons before simply following norms and having kids, such as questioning whether you have the potential to care for another human being instead of just thinking about creating people to care for you and qualm your fear of dying “lonely and bored.”

      Yet another example of an immature argument for parenthood. Who needs do the growing up here?

      What if you don’t turn out to be a great parent, and/or your children don’t turn out to be great people. Having grandkids does not equate to simply having a fulfilling life. According to some of the honest comments above, kids are not always what you expect from the movies, no matter how much blood, sweat, time, and tears you put in. What if they don’t join you at your deathbed or on holidays? PLEASE THINK about the possible realities of having children instead of idealizing the concept. Would it still be worth it for the experience? The fleeting moments of love? I believe that for some the answer might still be yes. But if not then you should seriously reconsider.

    • Childfree not Childless
      April 18, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

      How are you going to have grandkids? Are you going to force your children to have children?

      Are you going to force your adult and possibly married children to spend holidays with you? What if your child chooses a different religion and celebrates differently at different times? What about the other family? So the In laws get no choice to spend holidays because you already mapped out your child’s life?

      What if your child can’t have children? Will you make them adopt? Have surgery, IVF?

      What if your child lives abroad because of a job, do you expect them to visit you regularly, take care of you in old age even if it completely inconvienaces them and their family?

      I find it sad that you think having children is about what they can give you when they become adults.

    • CF and Proud
      April 21, 2013 at 3:16 am #

      You think it’s a sad life if you don’t have kids? Oh yeah, I’m SO miserable. With my friends with whom I can visit whenever I want (because I don’t have kids tying up my schedule), my free time that allows me to chill out and relax, and my pets who give me unconditional love. It’s just awful to not have any kids to pull me into debt. Yes. My life is TERRIBLY sad. Life with a full 8 hours sleep is just terrible.

  33. Joe
    March 18, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

    I don’t think there is a right or wrong here when it comes to being a parent
    I just think that it can be hell for the parent and the child. ( they both suffer)
    It’s a matter of choice, but if you decide that you want children expect to give
    up your life for the next 18 yrs or longer to put them first in your life. You do
    give up things you would want because of them and their needs and wants.
    It’s really a lifetime responsibility. And really a child needs two loving parents
    who loves kids and parenting. They need this and I don’t think alot of parents
    give this like they should…. I would say alot of parents that are parents should
    not be parents. They don’t fit the role. Thank God if you are a good parent and
    you have a loving relationship with your child. You are blessed, but unfortunately
    it is not that way for everyone, I wish it was. So it is really a choice and what you
    choose to do with it. this is what I think, don’t judge the ones that don’t want kids
    It’s their choice and it’s how they feel.

  34. PhD making the world a better place for your children
    March 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

    First of all, great article. Just what I was looking for and needed to hear! Now for my comment:

    1) What’s with parents claiming that those of us adults who have chosen not to have children are immature and need to grow up? Clinging to youth? Peter pans? I take offense to those statements. Have you EVER considered that an adult who makes the conscious decision to use birth control measures in order to prevent an unwanted birth is perhaps quite mature?
    Maybe I won’t ever truly know the love you feel for your child, but I’m asserting that I know myself, my limits, and my potential, and I think I am making an educated decision not to have a child. I (maybe selfishly) do not wish to suffer the way many parents describe suffering, but I also (maybe selflessly) do not want to bring a child into the world that might suffer due to my mistakes, impatience, or neglect.
    Therefore I think one also is required to GROW UP a little before making the decision NOT to have children.

    2) We all have extremely different priorities, different life paths, and were born with different opportunities and advantages/disadvantages in pursuing our goals. Please do not place your desires and priorities on others. Even if you think your natural emotional urges are the same as everyone else’s, I can tell you they are not.

    In the same vein, we all have a different perception of what is FULFILLING. Fulfillment is a highly subjective construct. I am offended when someone tells me I will miss out on a fulfilling life, as if there is only one avenue to fulfillment, only one way to fill that gaping hole in my soul that I didn’t realize was there until you told me what was missing! (sarcasm) smh

  35. Jess-charlietheunicorn
    March 21, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    Children are a choice, if you want them, have them, if you don’t, don’t. I think some of the comments of people without kids are utterly bullocks. I am a peter pan syndrome with kids always being told to grow up, as per my birth certificate I’m an adult “duh.” So while you enjoy the white picket life, when my children are gone for the weekend I party like I’m 21, I travel the world and play golf :D. Oh and I’m not on social assistance

  36. Nathaly
    March 24, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    It’s ok to regret having kids, it’s ok to not want to have kids , it’s also ok to love being a mother. Neither is better than the other. They are just different experiences, and they all require personal responsability. . The point is to be truthful with yourself about how you feel about where you are right now in life. The pressure of motherhood can sometime feel like the dead of part of out personal identity, it is ok to gief that aspect that is changing. Judging others for their opinion on having kids does nothing for anyone. I enjoyed reading the post. It is usful to observe how i feel about the subject personally. That’s all! (:

  37. Anonymous
    March 24, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    A-fu@king-men! I was recently called “selfish” because I HINTED that my husband and I do not want children. It confused the hell out of me and I thought about it for days. I went from being confused, to being offended, then back to being confused. Your article expressed what I have a difficult time saying.

    There are so many unwanted children in the world. Why should I bring more children in the world when I already know I don’t want children? Why should I feel pressured into having kids? Life is good right now. Scratch that. Life is amazing right now. It gets better and better each day (work, finances, husband, etc.).

    And as for the parents and family who keep pressuring me to have kids… I’d be making the biggest, and MOST STUPID decision of my life (our lives) to have a child just to please my family. First of all, it’s my body. Second of all, my husband I will be the ones that have to deal with diapers, health bills, waking up early every day, back talking, costs of having a child, etc. not the lame family members who want a playmate or a grandchild they can see a few times a year. If they want a playmate or a young child in their lives, then THEY should have their own kids, more kids, adopt kids, whatever. Leave me the hell alone. My life is good and I don’t want kids messing it up.

    My dog is the perfect child. He sits when I tell him to. He eats his food when I put it out. He goes to his bed when it’s bed time or when I’m busy. He actually even puts away his toys (yes, I taught him that). He doesn’t talk back. He doesn’t need help with his homework. I have no stretch marks from him. I can cuddle with him when I want. He brings a lot of joy and laughter to my life and my husband’s life.

    I really wish people would stop instilling their values upon me. I don’t pressure them to get a dog. I don’t pressure them to travel the world and have fun without their rug rats. I don’t frown upon them for not moving up their the corporate ladder or career, like I have. I live my life the way I want to… because, guess what? It’s MY life. And I’m willing to bet I’m probably happier than most.

    My life, my choice.

    Thanks for the article. Well said.

    • Anonymous
      March 24, 2013 at 4:33 pm #

      One more thing… regarding the Peter Pan comments, just because we choose not to have children does not mean we’re not willing to grow up and not willing to accept responsibilities.

      I wake up early every single morning, rain or shine, weekends and holidays, busy work day, etc. to take my dog out for a walk, feed him and practice the tricks he knows, play with him, etc. I do this all over again at night. I plan my weekends, holidays, work out schedules, etc. around his schedule and his existence. I bathe him, cover him with a blanket at night, take him to the vet for routine check ups and when he’s not feeling well. I brush his teeth, refill his water, buy his food, look at the nutrition label for everything I give him. I inspect his toys to make sure there’s nothing he can choke on. Etc., etc., etc.

      I work so that I can pay my mortgages (yes, I own more than one home), credit cards, car payment, and things my dog needs.

      Parenthood isn’t the only type of responsibility that exists.

  38. Brittany
    March 26, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    If you feel like you should have never been a parent and you regret your children…well that your fault. Should of kept it in your pants. Everybody knows how sex works…

    • March 26, 2013 at 5:18 am #

      Well, as long a we’re being gracious about it, I guess that’s the important thing…

    • CF and Proud
      April 21, 2013 at 3:20 am #

      Hey, it’s not like condoms can break and pills can fail or anything… Heck, my friend’s husband had a freaking vasectomy, and by some weird accident, a sperm kind of happened to slip out, and now she’s tied down with a 1 year old. My point is…S*** happens.

  39. Sydney
    March 28, 2013 at 3:24 am #

    I think your article was very informative, the people below seem like parents too afraid to admit that they sometimes get over whelmed and just want their children to disappear. I am currently too young to have children but I have even decided on just not having kids. Yes it would be nice to have a child with my husband, however there is also the point of what if I can’t raise them properly? Not having children doesn’t always mean you are selfish, it can also mean that you’re doing the world a favor and not bringing another messed up kid into this word. I respect this because most women end up taking care of the children so our lives get put on the back burner. I saw my mom struggle raising my 4 sisters and I alone. She was in constant pain and agony, sorry if I don’t want that.

  40. Ann
    April 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    Parenthood is for some and not for others, I don’t think it was ever for me
    You give up too much of your own life for the sake of others. and this is for
    years. And who knows when you can actually start back to living your own
    life again for yourself? it’s a day in day out struggle just to get thru it and it
    is the hardest thing you will ever ever have to do in your life. No for me I wish
    that I would have stayed childless. I probably would have been more satisfied
    and more content today. To each his own, but for me it has been a long and
    hard road. If you have children that are happy and pleasant & a joy to be around
    then that might be different. It would just depend on your situation.

  41. Chris
    April 1, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    I just wanted to comment on here, why in the hell would anyone want
    to have children and ruin the good life that they already had? That’s
    just how I feel and think. And not too much that you might also ruin
    the child’s life too. By having them and maybe finding out later in life
    that you shouldn’t have had children in the first place. So you and the
    child will be suffer as a result of this. You need to think long and hard
    about this decision because it affects the rest of your life. You really
    might regret it from now on. And then it’s too late to change it. You
    don’t know how things will turn out, think long and hard about it, don’t
    jump into it. For the ones that life has turned out good for, good for you
    but the ones where it hasn’t I’m very sorry that your life is so miserable
    now. I really am. Maybe someday things will be better hopefully…..

  42. Tammy
    April 2, 2013 at 4:44 am #

    Anyone that tries to tell you that having children is a dream come true
    has got to be nuts! It is just not that way at all. And you better not fall
    for their lies. There is so much to do and it is never ending, and you
    think when your children are grown that things will calm down, not true
    either. In fact they are worse when they are grown. And if you have a
    child that wants to live off of their parents and never work or do anything
    with their life but be lazy then you really have got problems. I thought
    that when your children got grown that they was suppose to help out
    and try to go out and be on their own. Not So!! You just dont know what
    you get into until you have been there. There is more bad than good when
    it comes to having children. I could go on and on about it. If you don’t have
    any you will never be more free than you are right now, think about that it
    is PRICELESS, no amount of money can but that. Good luck!

  43. Anonymous
    April 2, 2013 at 5:10 am #

    Not specifically addressed to anyone in particular —

    But I’m just AMAZED by how strongly OTHER people feel about MY life and whether or not I want to have children, should have children, etc.

    I don’t want to have children. Why can’t people just accept it and leave it be? You do what makes you happy. I’ll do what makes me happy.

    I don’t tell you that you “shouldn’t have had kids”… so don’t tell me that I “should have kids.”

  44. Sound Advice from someone who knows
    April 2, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Anonymous, don’t let other people tell what you should do with
    your life. Because in the long run you are going to be the one
    WHO will suffer if you have them. Not the ones that are talking
    and telling you what to do. Because you’ve only got 1 life to live
    and if you make the wrong decision then you WILL be the one
    that will pay and believe me you will pay for a long time. You
    will be unhappy and miserable from now on. Be there, done
    that. you will be trying to make everyone happy but you. Just
    a piece of advice from someone who knows. Don’t do it….

  45. My Experience
    April 3, 2013 at 6:19 am #

    Reasons not to have kids. You lose your freedom completely, your relationship with your husband ends, more financial stress and believe me as they get older it gets worse much
    worse because they won’t settle for cheap, it has to be the best. And if they give you lots
    of trouble then you are really in for it. My child makes trouble for me & my husband all the
    time. She throws fits when she don’t get her way. She is disrespectful to us both. She has
    even fought us. She has no ambition and will not help at home and she has no plans to
    ever work. She is home all the time and won’t go anywhere unless we take her. And she
    thinks money grows on trees. She is so lazy. She doesn’t want me & my husband to do
    anything together or even talk to each other. I have got mad at him for letting this to go
    on like it has. Children should be a pleasure, not a hassle. i hate marriage and parenthood
    I could go on and on but I won’t. You need to think about it before you do it, I’m glad for the
    ones that have good families and children. But not everyone is that fortunate.

  46. Anonymous
    April 3, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    Who are all these judgmental idiots pushing the idea of parenthood onto those who’ve made the decision not to have children??? I’m willing to suggest that the majority of troubled children in existence are “unwanted children” so if you don’t want children, do yourselves, the kids and the rest of the world a favour DON’T HAVE ANY! Similarly, stop trying to tell parents they regret their kids, obviously just begging for trouble….

  47. My Story
    April 4, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

    There is no way that I would have ever had children had I known what I
    know now about it. Children can make your life a living hell if they are bad
    children and disobient to you. If you can not talk to them and they will not
    listen to you, then you will have a hell of a time. And I don’t care what any
    one says about you regretting having them. If your child makes your life
    upsetting all the time, why would you NOT regret it? You know if your child
    keeps turmoil going all the time you are NOT going to like it. I mean, who
    would? Would you? Ask yourself that question, if it was you in my place.
    Your response might be different then. Anyone can love someone who is
    loveable that’s easy, but when they’re not, then that’s totally different.No,I
    would NEVER do it again, EVER!!!! And I feel VERY strong about too. Just
    wanted to tell my story, I would have never imagined that having children
    could be this way not in 100 years. You would have never made me believe
    that it could be this bad. But it is. I hope you never have to experience this.
    I wouldn’t wish it on somebody that I hated.

    • Anonymous
      April 4, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

      Sounds like another child who had one.

    • Anonymous
      April 5, 2013 at 1:06 am #

      To “My Story”
      Thank you for having the courage to say what very few parents are willing to admit.
      Thanks for being honest on the forum and to yourself. While some people here don’t appreciate it, I do.
      I’m childless by choice and I’m glad to finally hear other perspectives. Thank you.

  48. Jill
    April 5, 2013 at 1:51 am #

    Sorry if I don’t want to screw my life up like some many already have.

  49. April 6, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    i like kids.they’re great with a little salt and tobasco sauce

  50. April 6, 2013 at 1:12 am #

    What i’m describing is what i see.i’m not implying that nobody should have kids or that everyone’s situation is the same-i’m single and don’t want kids for a number of reasons/some call it selfishness but that really doesn’t make sense.a person is generally only considered as being selfish if they’re effecting someone by way of their actions. .but doing something or not doing something to solely benefit one’s health or emotions or mental state or lifestyle isn’t and can’t be termed as selfish imo. saying that someone is selfish because they don’t want kids is like saying that the person that doesn’t drink coffee is a bad person for not supporting the coffee industry or the farmers that grow the stuff.//it just doesn’t hold water.//i don’t want kids and never did,because i always saw how it effected my friends and their friends and my sister and her friends and how it effected my neighbors in every apartment complex i’ve lived in..not to mention the customers that had kids in every store i ever went into..through out my life(and i’m over 40 now),i clearly saw how my single friends got tied down by having kids.no more coming and going when they wanted to.they had to,with no questions asked,answer to the obligation of that daily presence with their kids,at home,dealing with their school work,their noise,their health,their playtime,their very presence had to be monitored nearly 24/7.the frustration,the look of relief when the kids were put to bed and finally my best friend who had been playing daddy could finally visit with me and converse..and what did i hear about for nearly the whole time we visited..stories about his kids and wife and yada yada yada..so many times i’ve seen neighbors between 7 and 8am going out to their car with their kids taking them to school yelling at their kids to”get in the damn car”!! (and worse)//i’ve watched how parents sit in restaurants and let their kids run around the dining room unaware that it’s bothering other customers.i’ve watched how my sister and her friends take care of their kids and the stress and aggrivation and how exhausted they get in a short amount of time.i see the crap on television that i would not want my kids(if i had any) to watch,which includes the nightly news now days btw..but i also know they’d wind up seeing all of it,if not at home then at someone else’s home.i read the news about molestations and violence in general and liberal tv programs that display sights and sounds unfit for adult eyes much less for kids./i understand that the love for children rises above all of these things at least that’s what i hear from my my friends that talk about their children.but..it seems like the stress much overrides the happy times//having kids just isn’t for me.i’m used to being an individual who is free socially to do whatever i want at anytime ./if i ever get lonely it’s only because everybody has kids and can’t hang out anymore/

  51. Anonymous
    April 6, 2013 at 6:29 am #

    Not all kids end up being good adults. Wonderful, self-less parenting can’t guarantee the outcome. I don’t have kids of my own, but it’s real hard to be proud of my 2 nephews that are total losers, both are in their early 30’s. The older one went in the Army, got out, quickly got married, had a kid, and then he got busted (he knew it was coming before getting married, but didn’t bother to share that detail with his fiance’). After 5 yrs in a state pen halfway across the country, he comes home to the wife & kid like nothing happened, and proceeds to pump out 3 more kids. As an ex-con nobody will hire him, so he doesn’t work. He was a good kid, got good grades and never missed a day of school, but apparently that alone doesn’t make you become a good adult. The younger nephew has never held a job and tried feigning injuries to get Social Security Disability (he works hard at not having to work!), He has 3 kids by different women and he abandoned the first kid. Today, he, his girlfriend, and the other 2 kids are leeches on his father (my brother). My brother got divorced after these two grew up, his wife was a total a$$hole, and he put up with her for the sake of the kids, but that wasn’t worth it after all. So tell me again, why do we think every kid in this world is such a blessing?

  52. Anonymous
    April 7, 2013 at 12:27 am #

    No there is no guarantee with having a child & no you cannot blame
    the parents for the way a child turns out. Because they are some good
    parents out there. Yes, there are some children that turn out to be well
    mannered respectable responsible adults.I know that people tend to
    want to blame the parents and even the children do, but I don’t believe
    this. I think you have to take responsibility for your own actions. And I
    think the children will have to want to change in order for their lives to
    improve and if they don’t, then it won’t happen. You have to quit feeling
    sorry for yourself and want to be and do better. Stop blaming your parents
    for your life. Why complain all the time and never put any effort out. No
    every child that is born is NOT a blessing. I think people lie about how
    it is to have children, when in real life it’s not this way at all. It’s not all
    rosey, like they say it is. And it never will be.

  53. Billie
    April 7, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    I totally agreed

  54. Anonymous
    April 8, 2013 at 6:24 am #

    Many great comments on this topic, but weighing the pros and cons I think
    that the cons outweigh the pros on this topic. If you knew beforehand what
    you would be facing then you could tell if you really wanted kids but since
    that is not possible then you just have to hope that things will turn out like
    you want them to. And to me that is just too much of a gamble to bet on.

    • April 8, 2013 at 10:08 am #

      The only way would-be parents will know what it’s genuinely like to raise a child is when society not only accepts, but welcomes negative/critical reviews on child raising. People generally report life with a child through rose coloured glasses, leading to would-be parents being duped into mostly seeing the positive side of having children, then feeling shunned for daring to speak the truth on just how life-sapping the whole process can be.

      • JoeM
        April 18, 2013 at 2:48 am #

        For a guy like you I am sure it comes down to – do you get more than you gain by having a kids. You suspect the answer is no. I think the answer is overwhelmingly yes for well adjusted grown-ups with a capacity to love that has nothing to do with their genitals (beyond that start). but if you think that your material needs and ‘hipster’ lifestyle are more important than unconditional love -then yup don’t have kids.

        • Be wise, think twice.
          May 17, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

          I totally agree with Andrew. JoeM are being judgmental and stereotyping. If you are a great parents who share unconditional love with your children, that is great for you and your kid. I hope your kid share that love back to you but here we are speaking the truth.

          If you think you are happy with the parents job, then congratulation. But not everyone are happy dealing with it and once we decide not to have children, that doesn’t automatically make us people who think that material needs and ‘hipster’ lifestyle are more important. I spend my time with my parents. I love them back. They are happy and okay with me choose to be childfree. They are great parents. I don’t see how my love towards my parents is conditional. I love them not because they provide for me because they are great parents. I don’t go ‘gaga gigi goo’ with my nephews but I know if ever my brother or sister needs any financial help in the future I will definitely help them if it is within my capability. I am sure I am a well adjusted grown-up with a capacity to love because I have great parents and I choose to be childfree in my life.

          Although what you said is not very nice, I still hope for the best for you. And I won’t say something not nice just so you can accept my points of view. Have a good day. =)

  55. Yippy Skippy Piddly Doo
    April 9, 2013 at 5:11 am #

    I have known, since I was 10, that I did not want to be a mother. I am now nearly 37. Nothing has changed; if anything, I feel even more strongly about this. Women (and men) like us DO exist!

    I have less than zero interest in having kids, raising kids, or raising someone else’s kids. That’s not my job, nor is it my life’s path.

    When it comes to kids, I have the same regard for them that I would for cats: Some are OK. Some are assholes. I can be in the same room with them, as long as they don’t start hovering around my ankles and try to get in my lap. If they do, I’ll promptly and gently remove them.

    • JoeM
      April 18, 2013 at 2:44 am #

      Funny how people without kids all seem to get a dog or a cat. I know, off topic – but there is that drive to care for something helpless in all of us.

  56. April 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

    Just how have you be capable of construct this type of great masses regarding commenters to your website?

  57. Anonymous
    April 9, 2013 at 10:54 pm #

    Your blog stats some valid points about how having children is not a selfless act, most parents will say they had a child to feel complete, and because of the joy that they get from them, these are selfish reasons to have a child, it is for the benefit of the parent that the child is bought into the world. So, why is remaining childfree any less selfish than having children, everyone is doing what they think will give them the most happiness in life, but because parents have to work so hard for their happiness, the childfree are seen as lazy and selfish because we are blissfully happy most of the time without having to go through the daily drudgery (parents words, not mine) of raising a child. If the population was dying out and I was still reluctant to use my uterus to help populate the planet then that would be selfish. But making an informed choice based on the fact that I know my personality would not be suited to parenthood deserves a bit more respect. It drives me mad that some of my parent friends get so outraged and upset about child abuse stories, but will encourage every Tom, Dick and Harry to have kids. If the childfree were just left alone and not pressured so much and just allowed to go with their instinct on the subject without pressure, their would be far less unwanted or abused kids on the already full planet.
    Not everybody has the same personality, and not everybody will enjoy being a parent, because everyone is different and everyone finds joy and happiness from different means. If all you ever wanted to do was be a mummy and bake cookies and make playdough with a little one, you will probably enjoy being a parent a lot more than somebody who has big ambitions to climb mountains or sail around the world. No two people are the same, do what you FEEL is best for you.

    • Sunny
      April 13, 2013 at 6:45 am #

      **Standing and clapping**

      You beautifully put into words exactly how I feel.

  58. April 11, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    I’ve never in my life heard anybody be referred to as selfish for not having/wanting children. How absurd. I always said I never wanted children, I really had no interest and would rather have spent my time pleasing myself and having some spare cash to treat myself whenever I felt like it…but I fell pregnant and decided to keep the child. For me it was the best decision I ever made and I have gone on to have another. It’s incredibly hard, very expensive and really does test my patience at the best of times but it has changed my life for the better. I suffered from depression for many years prior to having my son (also suffered PND for nearly 12 months after) but now my whole outlook on life has changed, they make me happy. I’m not saying it’s for everyone and I’m not trying to change anybodies mind, hell if you’ve had kids and regret it that’s on you – in a way I can see why people do, but for me this is how it is. There are many times when I think if they weren’t here maybe I could afford a better house or car, I could go out at weekends or just swan off when I felt like it but at the end of the day I’d rather live for them and keep them happy, and in turn they make me happy in a different way to how I was happy before.

    I’m still shocked over the ‘selfish’ remark, I really don’t get it!
    Interesting read though.

    • Childfree not Childless
      April 18, 2013 at 12:28 pm #

      I have been told numerous times that it is selfish for me not to have children. Usually by strangers during discussions but a couple of times by friends who are no longer my friends and a by a few extended family members.

      Luckily I was never harassed to have children by my parents, or my husband’s parents. They accept our decision and don’t expect us to provide grandchildren or excitement for them in their old age.

      I have also been told on more than one occasion that it was my duty to procreate as I am well off, intelligent and reasonably attractive. Like I should provide some blue eyed baby to the world just because I can and that my choice not to is depriving the world??? How sick is that?

      It is refreshing to have someone like you who doesn’t judge and you are lucky to have such great acquaintances that you’ve never heard people like me being called selfish for my choice.

  59. Horrez
    April 12, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    First of all having children is a choice and as to why some people have them is their own business because the bottom line is at the end of the day they are the parents of their children. When you speak of being selfish that can go many different ways. If a person choose not to has child because they don’t like children or simply are not ready foe a child I don’t consider that selfish, but what I consder selfish is when a person has a child knowing they are not financially or mentally able or ready to parent that child and it is selfish when a person brings a child into the world just to obtain welfare money, for the child or just to try to use that child to keep a man.In regards to children being ungrateful and out of control unfortunately this comes with raising immature little adults inside of little.bodies. One cannot base one experience on every child because every child is different. And you cannot assume that everyone feels the way that you do.That is wrong and that is what I call being selfish.Selfish is a state of mind, something one chooses to be.I have three daughters and yes at times they make me mad, get on my nerves, frustrate me and they make me wanna run out of the house but there are aloe of times they make me laugh, make me happy and we have good times together. I would never be the same without them.I believe that everyone is not mentioned to be parents such as yourself and just because you are a woman does not mean that you have to give birth.So never feel guilty about not wanting or not ever having a child. It is by choice not just because.

  60. Anonymous
    April 13, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    The worst thing about having a child is everything you ever did before it ends,
    And for some people that is a drastic change and may be a change that you
    do not like. So please don’t fault me or these others.

  61. Connie
    April 13, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    Some would have been better off for themselves & the kids would have too
    If they would have never become parents. Not everyone is cut out for it. I think
    that both the parents & child both suffer as having the kind of life that they could
    have had. Sometimes you would be better off not to have any if you can’t give the
    child a great family that the child deserves. Yes it’s a choice that you make but is
    it always the right one? For the parent and child? Maybe the parents life would
    have been better without the child. Just what I think.

  62. Banana Bread is Yum
    April 13, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    Hi! *waves*

    I thank you for your courage. There are so many judgmental buttfaces walking around the Earth who make me extremely angry. For me, I don’t want to have kids of my own. I don’t want to go through the whole pregnancy process and endure hours and hours of labor pain and all that. No, thank you. Instead, I’d like to adopt children, preferably those who are older than two or three. But I live in a conservative environment, and not many share the same opinions as I do. The other day, I was talking to my friend, and another friend of mine, a guy, walked past us and told me something teasingly. My friend then said, “Oh, I remember that guy from last semester!” and I replied with a “Yeah. Omg, He’s such a sweetheart.” She then told me that I should marry him and get it over with. It sorta made me mad that she would think that. Just because I think a guy’s a sweetheart doesn’t mean I am attracted to him or think of him romantically. It’s like how gossip magazines make up rumors of celeb romances just because a guy and a girl who aren’t romantically involved are hanging out. Can’t a guy and a girl be just friends? Moreover, I’m asexual, but knowing how my friend thinks, I didn’t say it to her directly (plus, I don’t think she’s heard of the term). Instead, I told her that I’m not planning on getting married, at least not anytime soon, and that I don’t want children of my own. She then looked at me incredulously. Why is it so hard to believe that there are women who don’t want to get pregnant? This is the twenty-first century, for God’s sake! There’s so much more for women than there was a century ago!

    Furthermore, I just can’t wait to see the look on my maternal and paternal grandparents’ faces when, or if, I tell them. Le sigh.

  63. Anonymous
    April 14, 2013 at 6:12 am #

    very simple.. don’t want kids… don’t have sex. But I guess that is too difficult because people want to do what they like but when there are results that require some hard work… run for the hills!! … too difficult…too time consuming… too much responsibility! Whine whine whine.
    As for the parents who want their kids dead or gone … well maybe you should give them up for adoption now. And quick! I hope those kids never find out how the parent that they believe loves them and has their back in all situations truly feels about them. Enough attrocities happen to kids by terrible parents and there are many parents who would love to have children but can’t.

    • Childfree for 50 years
      April 27, 2013 at 3:02 am #

      “Don’t want kids…don’t have sex” BULL! Don’t want kids, have all the sex you want but don’t get pregnant, or get an abortion.
      Would you want your mom to hate having had you? What if she felt pressured into keeping the kid instead of being able to give it up for adoption? Aren’t there enough messed up kids in the world? Terrible parents committing atrocities on innocent, yet unwanted kids? You seem to say that in your post. Wouldn’t it be better if there wasn’t all those unwanted kids?

      It takes a much more responsible person to search themselves and if they find that there is no way they could tolerate having a child, to do whatever it takes to not have one. Having sex must not/should not = having a baby.

      If you know you will be a horrible parent, don’t let anyone tell you that you will change your mind. Isn’t it better to NOT take that chance when the results have consequences for the very child you didn’t want? If there is a fifty-fifty chance that you will either adore being a parent or detest being a parent, isn’t it best to not take that chance? If you don’t have one, no harm no foul. If you do have one, and you adore it, fantastic. If you do have one and you detest it, you are not the only one who will have to suffer with your decision.

      If you have a horrible disease that will be more than likely to be passed to your child, especially if your mate has a condition that would also add to the likeliness of passing it to your child, don’t have a child. Your desire to have a child does not overrule a child’s right to begin life as healthy as possible. Your desire to have a child, even if YOU accept the possibility of a child born with some horrific illness that will cause increasing pain leading to a very early death, just so you can say he squeezed my finger or smiled at me and that is a miracle, is only cruel and selfish, and it was probably only gas.

      And if you are unable to conceive, yet you go through IVF or other, and finally conceive. Don’t call it a miracle, it was science. And if you have 8 eggs fertilized, don’t call it a miracle, it was science. It’s only a miracle if you have never had any medical intervention and still managed to end up with 8 fertilized eggs.

      How many parents sat down together and worked out the various pros and cons of having a kid? How many decided the best way to raise a kid is by not having to force living a life below the poverty level on it, having both parents wanting the kid and participating in raising it, (which includes knowing how much work it is and accepting that condition)?

      How many women wanted a baby even if their mate didn’t and ‘oopsed’ him rationalizing it as “he will love it once it’s born”? How many babies are born that are accidentally conceived? Whether by not using birth control or failure of birth control, then failure of the morning-after pill, then failing to get an abortion, (either because it is outlawed where you live, is too expensive, or whatever peer or religious pressure put on you), yet still it called a miracle and a gift from God? Again, it’s science, not a miracle.
      And lastly, for now, how many women had sex with that super-hot, bad boy, got pregnant, then are all shocked and pissed off because he isn’t mature or responsible enough to act like a father, but you will make him pay for the next 18 years?

  64. guest
    April 16, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    @ I hate being a mother…They fight, scream and demand all the time. I am so unhappy. Noone tells you how awful it is to be a mother. noone!
    Funny, I wonder how long it will take her to connect the cause (her negative approach) with the effect (fighting children)?
    I found there is three types of parents: those who love their kids and love to raise them (that does not mean they stay at home, they just love kids). Those who have kids in order to learn how to love, in general (being unaware that this is the reason why they ended up with kids). And those who just use kids as a trashcan for their own unhandled issues in life.
    “Having children means sacrifice.” That is a question of attitude, if you want to see it that way, that is your choice. It’s a question of priorities and a decision.

  65. Anonymous
    April 18, 2013 at 2:09 am #

    I too subscribed to this way of thinking until I had twin girls. They a’re the the most amazing things in my life. The only problem is o had them with an evil succubus sent from hell to suck my soul from my carcass. I have been the single Dad if seeminfly five cChildren although I have only the twins. She had kids with every man she met. None stayed because of the torture.. I will because my children turned out to be the most amazing thing ever. I wouldn’t change a thing because I would lose them.

  66. Cate
    April 20, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    The original article isn’t well written bc the title insinuates the author has kids and regrets them, then the article goes on to state the author has no children. Really the author is just one person though, so not making much difference. The appalling part is the vast majority of comments why ppl shouldn’t be parents. “My parents failed” “This is hard” “No one tells you”. That’s right! No one is perfect NOT EVEN CLOSE, nothing worth doing is easy, and parents usually have the decency to withhold just what a turd you freaking were! Talk about putting yourself in other ppl’s shoes, try imagining what your kid will feel if s/he finds out you said this garbage about them someday. Honestly, no matter how hard some days are, there are others that more than make up for it. It’s called being human, being there to help the younger generation thrive to the best of your abilities, as long as there’s no malice you’re winning. On the upside, all of you purposely choosing not to have children (and I surmise from your petty arguments that many of you are not old enough to be making that decision yet anyway) are nature’s way of stemming the tide. To each his own!;)

    • Anonymous
      April 20, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

      Cate, your assumptions are wrong. I’m childless by choice. I’m in my 30s (what you would probably define as “old enough to be making that decision”). I don’t LIKE babies or children. I have no desire to be around them 24/7. In my younger days, I have have tutored and babysat elementary school students. I have also been trained and have counseled elementary, junior high and high school students. I just don’t care for children. It has nothing to do with it “being difficult,” or being imperfect. My parents did not fail. I’m a college graduated, with a high paying career; I’m a responsible homeowner. I pay my taxes. I’m a law abiding citizen. Heck, I even volunteer on a regular basis. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be childless.

      There’s nothing wrong about letting others know that sometimes, people regret having children. There are always various opinions. Censoring the truth prohibits others from making sound decisions on important issues such as whether or not they should have children. Do you really want everyone to have children? There are some really screwed up people (i.e. child molesters) in the world. Would you really want them to reproduce?

  67. Steve
    April 22, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

    Having children or not being a parent is NOT for everyone, no matter what anyone
    says. And for those who are married, it doesn’t always bring the family closer either
    Not true at all. In some cases it may cause the husband & wife to drift more apart.
    And staying together for the sake of the children isn’t idea either. And if you are
    going to have children make sure you really do want them, because a child needs
    2 loving parents to give them the best life possible.There is more to it than just having
    a child. It’s a lifelong committment, and there is much involved in it. Both the parents
    and child deserve this. It’s a life changing decision, so please consider it wisely.

  68. Anonymous
    April 22, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    Some of the attitudes towards people who choose to not have children are appalling.
    I have known I didn’t want kids since I was 9 – and that hasn’t changed now I’m 24. My mother didn’t want me but was forced to keep me by her (now ex) abusive husband. She then found out why he’d been so keen- he sexually abused me at a very young age until I was able to tell her. Of course she got me out of that situation and I know she loves me, but it certainly doesn’t mean she would have me again and I wouldn’t want her to!
    Me and my partner both make minimum wage. Together, we have enough money to rent a house, pay our bills, and buy food, with a small amount left over for essentials like clothing. We can’t even afford a car- so why would we bring a child into that mix? Even if I wanted kids, I would think twice about that as I grew up poor enough to not always have enough food and for all of my clothes to be secondhand, and it was crap. I wouldn’t want to do that to another kid.
    It angers me that people assume that just because I am childfree, I am immature and hedonistic. I do not go out clubbing or partying – in fact I have not been drunk in 5/6 years. I have no extra money to dine out unless you count one takeaway a month paid between both of us. (that, incidentally, is £20 a month so not enough to “give to the baaayyyyybeeeeee”).
    I pay my bills on time, look after my pets, look after my house, and work every shift. I don’t exactly call that immature. Not having a child doesn’t make me any less mature, any more than having one makes you magically gain the skills you require to parent.
    Add all of these factors to the bonus fact of me being hugely phobic of pregnancy and childbirth in general, and I think having kids is not for me. Let’s face it, there are plenty of people contributing to overpopulation every day- I think the world will manage without my offering. So just relax! It’s awesome if you feel your child is worth adding to the population; perhaps they will do great things one day. However its also possible they’ll turn into murderers or rapists or be just plain traumatised by something you did when they were 6, so for me that isn’t a risk I’ll be taking. Live and let live, people. Kids may be our future, but we are the present. Represent humanity well.

  69. John
    April 23, 2013 at 5:56 am #

    I say leave the ones alone who don’t want kids, they have a reason or reasons
    why they don’t want them. it is their choice and we need to respect them for the
    choice they have made. It is not for everyone, and whether you agree or disagree
    with their choice, it is their life and they are the one who needs to live it not you.

  70. April 23, 2013 at 8:05 am #

    Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling!

  71. On the fence
    April 24, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    I just wanted to say that I fully respect your opinion and that there is nothing selfish about wanting or not wanting children. I am a few years shy of thirty and I do not have any children. As long as I can remember I have always looked forward to getting married and having children…up until probably the last few months. My parents did a horrible job raising me, I understand that we don’t come with a manual when we are born (well at least not when I was born) but I now have so much anger towards them because of the bad choices they maid bringing me up. So back to my recent change of thought… I love children but aside from all of the time they consume, the hardest thing for me is the thought of failing as a parent like my parents have done (and now get mad at me because I am not like some of their friends children… Because their friends were better parents) I do however disagree with some of the parents who complain about how awful their own children are. These parents are somewhat like mine, they don’t accept responsibility for the actions they teach their own children. I know plenty of parents who have happy, respectful, and loving children who get along with their siblings and even at a young age are very well behaved. On the other hand I also know some parents whith children who are so bad they won’t take them out in public. With both groups there is the same cause for their children’s behavior….. THE PARENTS. Better parents raise better children, if you aren’t ready to give up anything necessary to raise a child, then parenting is not for you, but don’t blame the child for your own bad behavior. Sorry if I am rambling, it makes sense to me I hope it makes sense to you as well.

  72. Mrs Emily
    April 25, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

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  73. Truth
    April 27, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

    So many narcissistic parents on this blog… WOW … it’s not about you you selfish self centered piece of shit. When you have kids, regardless of accident, you raise them. You love them. You are seriously a piece of shit and your kids pick up on your not wanting them. You’re a fucking piece of shit seriously. I can already tell you have ruined your childs life by being a selfish liberal cunt. Guilt ed into having children? Close your legs slut.

    • April 28, 2013 at 3:58 am #

      Gee whiz, Wally! So tell us now how you REALLY feel. And don’t hold back.

  74. Fred
    April 27, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

    Everyone’s situation is different, it is good for some to have children and for
    some it is not. It is not good for the parents or the child, this is just being a
    realist about it. Children need parents who love them and who can give them
    a good life. Also you need to look at how it will affect the parents life, is it what
    is best for them? This is a life changing event and there is more to it than just
    having a baby. You need to love, & care for that child until he is grown. It is a
    responsibility as well. Just think about it before you do it. Everyone is different.

  75. April 27, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

    Thank you! Oh praise be to toast, thank you!

  76. April 30, 2013 at 1:39 am #

    Hi, Thank you for daring to say what others are afraid to say. Thanks for being the black sheep, and I love this post. I feel to each their own, I think its natural for people ‘not’ to want children. I think its great if they do, and naturally through all the hell you go through..you love them. Sometimes they are angels and sometimes they are hellions. but parents love their children or should love their children to say the least.

    I don’t think its selfish to want to live your life instead of having children, with times changing and many goals to achieve it’s great to think of oneself and care for yourself before you can take on the responsibility of caring for others. It can alter the way one parents a child. such as: pressure on children living vicariously through them, blaming them for not being able to full fill your dreams, etc etc. I’m not painting everyone with the same brush..this may or may not be true. Nonetheless I enjoyed this post, I think its great to get it out there.

    • April 30, 2013 at 5:19 am #

      Well and concisely said. I would only take issue with the notion that the choice is to live your life or have children. It is a sad commentary on Western culture that these are seen by so many as mutually exclusive options.

      Every choice we make contributes to the life we live, be that starting your own business, volunteering at a non-profit, getting married, shooting heroin, running marathons, accepting employment at a Fortune 500 corporation, playing in a rock band, sleeping around, running the streets, joining the military, or robbing banks. These, like every choice, carry with them tradeoffs between long term and short term gratification, security and freedom.

      None of them, having children included, prevents us from living our life. With rare exception, they all are our own choices, and through them we choose the life we live.

      Some would see an executive career at Apple as finally getting the good life. Others would see that as losing it entirely. Neither is an absolute truth or falsehood. Both are legitimate perspectives.

      The fool and the king will on occasion, in quieter moments, wonder. But at the break of every new day, they both again choose their station.

  77. Anonymous
    April 30, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

    I find this entire topic very interesting, albeit difficult to palate at times. I am am mom of two, and I do not regret having children. That being said, there have been times where life was not going well where I did momentarily think “gawdddd, why did I do this?!” but that was largely in part due to a difficult marriage, difficult family circumstances, and not nearly enough money to make life easier, not because I actually regretted my children.
    Most of the time when I am in a funk, they are the only people who can make me smile, and they do so with love for me in their eyes that I hope never goes away.

    I don’t think it’s right that people judge others for having/not having children. It’s YOUR life! Do with it what you want. I think the only selfish thing is to force something on someone that they do not want, be that having children or not having children.
    This world is made up of all different kinds of people, and we each do what we think is best.

    I also hate these stupid labels that people keep slapping on anyone who does not conform to the cookie cutter world we live in… depressed, mentally ill, post partum…. that is all bullshit. Yes, these are real issues that many people have, but it does not mean that everyone who does not love being a parent has a problem in their head.

    Life is never what we expect it to be. We cannot plan nor prepare for everything that will be tossed our way, and people make mistakes! I think things would be a hell of a lot better off it we would all stop judging, stop ridiculing and keep our nasty opinions to ourselves.

    Ridiculing people for regrets or ridiculing people for not procreating does nothing positive for that person, and serves only to further alienate them.

    I am sorry for all of you who wish you had never had children.. I am sorry for your sadness, frustration, exhaustion and regret. I hope that in time your lives all turn around and that you will once again be able to enjoy your children.

    I am also sorry for all of you who do not have children who are ridiculed. The only thing worse than having regrets is to NOT have regrets, and be flogged for it. Nobody has any right to judge you and you should not be ridiculed. You are entitled to not want to have children, and that does NOT make you selfish, or any of that other rubbish.

    Take care all of you, and best wishes.

  78. Anonymous
    May 1, 2013 at 3:35 am #

    It is selfish to have children to provide you with the future you want, i.e., to provide your with love and affection, to fill your life, to provide loved ones at holidays, to provide care or friendship for you in old age, etc. You should not count on a child to provide for you or to expect or burden your offspring with that. If you can’t do these things on your own, for yourself, maybe you shouldn’t be having children. Fill your life with you own adventures and interests, live your own dreams, give love and get love from peers, family, friends, keep your relationships strong by being a good person and including good people in your life, save enough money for long-term care. If you happen to have kids make them a part of this….but these reasons are a pathetic reason to bring another person into this world….think about it, having a child is for your own benefit.

  79. Anonymous
    May 1, 2013 at 4:04 am #

    It’s me again, I just posted above. In thinking about it some more, the ridiculous argument that childless by choice means one is selfish or immature. Perhaps the childless by choice are more thoughtful and pragmatic. It is selfish to have a child bc you want to experience raising a child or having a family, bc you want this greatest or unconditional love, bc you want this learning and teaching experience with a child. It is selfish bc it is all about what you want as the parent. No “never born child” wants these things or regrets not being born, no “never born child” yearns for the connection you are trying to make when you have this child. You want to live on in your child and fulfill a primitive biological need. You want to prove you can do it, you want to keep up with all your friends who are doing it, you want to compete with your parents by doing a better job than they did, you want to compete with your neighbors by having the best, brightest, prettiest, most talented kid, by having a kid that is the kid or adult you never were, nor could ever be. It’s all for you. You ever rationalize that you are doing a great service for mankind by bringing in this wondrous, extraordinary person onto this planet. Nope, just one in 7 billion, not much different than most everyone else here. And even more selfishly, you are creating an extra burden on the planet and society. You are fulfilling your biological need to procreate. It is selfish to give birth to a child when there are too many people stressing this planet. It is selfish to add to the mindless consumerism and destruction caused by an out of control population. Don’t have kids. That’s not selfish. And if you really want to be selfless, adopt, there are children that need love and family and connection and food and water that are living a sad and parentless life.

  80. vicki
    May 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

    I will love to share my testimony with all my viwers because i never thought i would have another chance with my boyfriend, the man i wanted to marry left me for another woman, and when i called him, he never picked my calls,he deleted me on his facebook account and then set the status to having a girlfriend with the other chick. I was devastated. I went to three spell casters before doctor and i had really lost hope. i lost a lot of money with them and got no results. so when i came to hector i was really leery of him and didn’t think he could help me. i though it is too good to be true, because all the other spell casters were supposedly good and none of them helped me. i saw the testimonials and read the other testimonials and decided to get the consultation. he said he could help me, but my chances of getting my ex were very low and he didn’t recommend it at all. But i insisted that he at least give me the chance to work with him and try and if it didn’t work, i wouldn’t be upset and i would move on with my life. He agreed. Since he is in jersey and im in nyc, i decided i would go in person to have my spells cast. he is a really sweet and gentle man, when i met him i was really surprised. he looks very young, and i had my doubts whether or not he would be able to help me. But i figured i came all that way and i said i would try so i tried it. He called a spirit to talk with me and do the work, it was a woman spirit and when it came it totally transformed hector’s face. that is when i thought to myself that it might just work. the spirit gave me some advice and did the spells. i had a separation spell and a reunion spell done. the spirit said it would take a while for my ex to leave his new girl but once he did, he would come to me very quickly. She gave me some things to take home and do. I did them, but i was really nervous. i think i messed up a few times and i told t and she said just keep going and i would be fine. so i did. it was like 6 or 7 weeks later and i saw that my ex unblocked me from facebook. I saw he had changed his status again to single. so i was super excited because i took this to mean that he had split up with the other girl. about 10 days after that my ex called me. At first, it was weird between us. he wanted to see me. so i went to meet up with him. he didn’t ask me back then. i got very anxious and told t, and she said to stay calm and everything would turn out okay. So i did the best i could although i was still worried. We met up a few more times after that, and still he didn’t ask me back out. so i got a consultation with hector and he said to expect my ex to ask me back out within two weeks from the consultation. i listened, but i wasn’t sure it would happen. then it was almost 2 weeks later, and i though, damn, hector was wrong. But the next day (there was like 2 days left from it being 2 weeks) my ex called and we got together. He asked me if i would be willing to try our relationship again, which of course i said yes. that was about 3 weeks ago, and so far we have been doing okay, we still have a lot of things to work out, but i am very happy. hector is the real deal and i am so glad that i found him and i recommend him to anyone who needs help. thank you so much doctor you saved my life!
    Reply ?you can as we contact her email jujumanlovespell@gmail.com

    • May 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

      Given the witch doctor advert above and the same for an herbal supplement below, is it safe to assume at this point that the amazing (I would have never predicted) outpouring of response to this post has finally run out of steam?

  81. May 2, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

    Green green coffee bean extract is also used to promote digestion and relieve
    gas.

  82. Rocky Statford
    May 3, 2013 at 4:44 am #

    I agree with this article! You hit the nail on the head by saying that having kids is selfish. People do it to avoid loneliness, impress / fit in with neighbors, and make themselves feel better with a sense of purpose. How dare them call me selfish for not wanting kids!

    As a matter of fact, fear of too much stress is not my main motive for avoiding procreation. I enjoy making kids laugh and entertaining them. One reason I do not want a child is because I fear it will suffer from whatever mistakes I make. Also, I want to be SELFLESS and use my resources to take care of my own parents!

    So the next time anybody wants to judge someone for not procreating, you better pray it is not me. I will come at your throat (well, not literally, but verbally) and do everything in my power to embarrass you for your self-righteous fantasy.

  83. Meagan
    May 3, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

    Although this comment isn’t EXACTLY about this article, I think it supports it. I think every person is unique and parenthood should be a case-by-case basis. Let’s admit it, from the reverse end of this article, some people SHOULDN’T be parents. Either you’ve heard a horror story about a neighbor, or even your own parents were monsters. Children are a commitment and not for your pleasure. I commend anyone who thinks long and hard about this commitment and has the courage to admit that they don’t want to take that on. I am a 24 year old women and I have, so far, had zero desire to have children. I have only one life to live, and I will do what I think is right for me. To me, it isn’t about proving that having children is horrible, only that I might not choose that path for my life, and I shouldn’t take sh*t for it. You live your life, and I’ll live mine.

  84. Leisha Young
    May 4, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    Wonderful article. My husband and I are currently grappling with weather or not to have a child. It really just looks like it sucks… ironically I am writing this whilst I sit in a restaurant relaxed and enjoying a nice cup of tea and meal and there is a cild nearby having a massive tantrum screaming at the top of his lungs annoying the hell out of everyone. I assume because the brat was denied something it wanted. Every time I go shopping I get a chilling reminder of why I have not yet procreated. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

  85. Lester
    May 5, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    Why in the hell would anybody want a misbehaving disrespectful selfish lazy brat?
    Just one more problem to add to your life. No hell, no thanks. What to screw up
    things more.

  86. May 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    You sound just like your mother.

  87. Kristy
    May 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    so are you saying your parents regret you because you were such an awful mistake? I have 2 daughter’s myself, and because unlike you fools who don’t know how to parent, I love them. My eldest just finished university and is working as an RN (she even saved up her part time wages while in university and surprised me with a 22 carat earring set, 18 grams none the less!!). Youngest is studying social work at an equally prestigious university. I’m afraid failure just breeds more failure, which in your case seems to ring true.

    • Anonymous
      May 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

      Why must you insult him? Why must you say he is a failure bc he is trying to explain why he does not plan on having children? What makes him a failure bc he chooses not to have children? You are a nasty person. And by the way, what about your values? You brag about the jewerly your child gets you. Who cares? I have over a million dollars in the bank, better than a piece of metal and rock. It seems you judge your children on what they can buy you.

      • Anonymous
        May 17, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

        That is exactly why some people should not be parents. It is okay to brag about how good your kids can be but not through insulting other people who made a different choice from you. I certainly hope her kids are not like her but do think that her kids love her as she is afterall their good mom but not a great one in this case. =)

      • Kristy
        May 31, 2013 at 6:47 am #

        I judge my children based on the fact that they became self sufficient wonderful human beings who contribute to society and as your children are a reflection of yourself they bring me pride. I was merely using that as an example clearly I have spent tons of money on my babies (which loving mother wouldn’t). It was for that guy who thinks all children are unappreciative brats.
        Of course I’d want to brag about my Vanderbilt educated daughter, why? Because she is a reflection of ME. I always taught her to strive to be the best and do the best. But I guess some people are alright with being ‘just okay’. There is a reason why specific populations raise more productive children who contribute more to society (namely Asian and southeast Asian) and have by far the lowest crime rates in western nations. Because they raise their children strictly and firmly.

        • Born as a Southeast Asian. Grow up as one.
          May 31, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

          I absolutely DISAGREE with your comment especially the part on Asian and Southeast Asian. I am a Southeast Asian. It sounds like you are very proud of yourself striving to be the best which clearly the ‘best’ don’t exist. Good for you but I have to honestly tell you it is not what you are imagining for the situation here. There is always a plus and minus. Have a good day. =)

  88. kristin
    May 7, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    Hello, I Just want to thank dr khakani for the great things he has been doing for people in our country and things he has done for me,After my husband smith left me for 3years,i hated myself and almost committed suicide because i truly loved smith with all my heart what even pained me the most was that he left me because i couldn’t give him a child after 6years of our marriage,Due to this i even lost my job,Because i was always drinking and crying because i truly loved him with all my heart,So then i was listening to radio until i had someone talking about dr khakani on radio, How generous and trustworthy the man is, How dr khakani helped her in bringing back her ex within 24hours,i was like i need to get in touch with this man,i got a pen and wrote dr khakani’s number and email,So I decided to give him a call and told him how people talk about him online, I believed this man was real due to the way he spoke to me on the phone. Then he told me not to worry and he said he knows i have lost my job i was shocked and i told him yes,He said everything would be sorted out within 48hours,So i was very happy when i had that good news,Truly within 48hours i got a call from smith saying he is sorry for what he has done to me. he came to me in tears to forgive him which i did,As i was giving smith a sweet cuddle i got a call from the company i worked telling to resume work by monday,i was so happy. now i am also 8month pregnant for smith and his taking good care of me. Dr khakani can also cure cancer, diabetes… any kind of diseases or sickness in this world. please friend dr khakani his truly a trusted man and a real spell caster to believe in, Dr khakani has made a good name here in the USA. Please contact him on his private mail khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail .com or cell phone +2348062216903

  89. Anonymous
    May 8, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

    This is all a mess! My parent’s had me out of 9 other kid’s and trust me,It is not easy to be The other “child” I’ve grown up way too fast.Lost all those Childhood year’s! I swear if i had a chance to turn back the time or even erase a memory of me in the family I would.There is absolutely nothing better to have then to be loved and cherished as you’re child.Having a huge family is simply out of the question!..I was the 2nd youngest out of the 9 of us and the love shared was very little,most of time’s I would find myself alone!Misstreated or abandoned funny that! … Somewhere between age’s 5-9 I was doing all sort’s of Sexual stuff that (now i realize was really stupid) I find disgusted…and I don’t even know where i picked up the sexual need to screw a boy…which i find quite messed up! lol…..

    I am a fucked up child of 9 kid’s….The thing i Do say is please don’t have so many kid’s if you decide too…keep your genital’s clean and use protection. =/

  90. Angela
    May 8, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

    Dear viewers what should i have done if not for an online DOCTOR called SAKURA,well my name is Angela i married to a man call Richard we were happily married for about five year we gave birth to our child in the second year after our marriage but we loose her out of illness she died at her early age of eight months old since then i could not give birth to another i have tried all my possible best but i could not,my husband was putting pressure on me and he said he will bring in another woman into our home that he is not getting younger he needs a child but i love my husband so much that i cannot afford to loose him to another neither to share him with another,i visited my friend called Monica i also told her about what am passing through in my marriage,she fell pity and introduce me to online spell caster that also helped her in her own times of tribulation called DOCTOR SAKURA,he cast a spell for me that real works out my husband later came back to me with much love and carry and we were later favored with two kids Wow he is very powerful he can also help you out if you are facing any problem in your marriage or relationship,if you need his help contact him with this email: sakuraspelltemple@gmail.com

  91. roland
    May 8, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    HELLO TO YOU ALL OUT THERE,

    My name is Katya am from USA i never believe that my EX will ever come back to me after all that happens,well all thanks to DOCTOR SAKURA,i married to one MR Williams we got married at our early age of 20 we love our selves dearly,but after 30 years of our marriage my husband change and turn into some thing else it look like i married to a stranger,i was confuse so i don’t know what to do my children was aware of what is going on between both of us,they talk to there father and still yet he continued i later found out that my husband is seeing some one else i found out who this person is i discover she was just a little girl that is up to be my daughter’s age mate,she followed my husband just because of money and she was far younger than me could you believe my husband said to my face that am too old for him he need some one younger in his life that he needs a divorce he said to me is all over that he have nothing to do with me any longer,but i don’t know what to do i still love him some much not only for the love i have for him but for the children sake,how can some one from no were come into my house to ripe were she did not sold,i surf erred with my husband to get every thing we got today i came to think about it and i said to my self no i can’t let go just like that,i have always hard of a spell caster he have helped meaning of my friend to get there love once back and help then in different area were they are having problems,so i contacted him online and i share my problems with him he helped me out and my husband later come back to me with love and care just as before,once again thanks to DOCTOR SAKURA if you need his help contact him with this email: sakuraspelltemple@gmail.com he can help you to solve any of your problems okay.

  92. Celine C
    May 8, 2013 at 11:40 pm #

    My daughter was very much wanted. Of course, right after she was born the thought of “What did I let myself into?” occurred to me. I don’t feel guilty. She was crying inconsolably, not latching on and I had no idea what to do. But now, I would not change her for the world. Maybe I am too relaxed about her searching everywhere for stuff to grab, getting messy, demanding attention. what I find lovely would seriously get on other people’s nerves. I know that some people don’t have half of my patience. One mum in my antenatal class has a constantly spotless house… despite having a 15-month-old, like me. don’t know how she does, nor do I want to know. that’s not my priority. Another problem is the massive lack of information we are given about child development. Our expectations should be revised for so many things, like staying quiet at all times, no tantrums, sitting still and eating cleanly before they can even talk, and also writing their names before school age. I agree that wanting a child has nothing to do with selflessness, and it is not a need. It is a lifestyle choice. Some people should not make that choice for a variety of reasons such as career demands, travelling and so forth. I can’t blame you for wanting someone to attend your funeral, but in exchange, you just have to be willing to make sacrifices. If you are not, (and if you don’t have children yet), indeed, think long and hard before making that commitment, or in any case, don’t throw thousands of $$$ for an IVF.

  93. Meee :D
    May 9, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

    Honestly, this is a load of Bull!! Your thoughts may be ‘selfish’ or ‘correct’ but it doesnt mean all parenting lives are horrible and need to be regreted because you know what you’ve been emphasisng the fact that people shoupd be ‘regretful’ but no parenting can be wonderful ‘not perfect’ people choose to be the way yhey are according to what cricumstances they were broughy up in .. life isn’t but a journry to all and everyone has the freedom to chooee their life motto and as for you … you are not ‘selfish’ although this article is because you went about it all the wrong way…

  94. Tired Dad
    May 11, 2013 at 3:10 am #

    I am in my early forties. Have two young kids 4 and 6. (Had kids later in life).

    Basically, for me, my identity became “wage earner and parent”. That’s it. That’s all I have time for. If I don’t start getting more enjoyment out of the kids activities I am in big big trouble. I am already very depressed. Am I selfish? First off, I don’t give a sweet F*** what anyone (especially online) thinks of me. So now that we’ve established that, I am not selfish. I give a lot of time and all of my financial resources to my family. I drive a lesser car and wear lesser clothes and don’t do much else so I can afford things for my kids. Nice things. They both have Ipads. And college funds. And nice clothes. And they do sports, and dance lessons. My hobbies have sort of been pushed aside – not just because of the money part but moreso the TIME. I don’t have TIME. Between work, raising them, spending time with them, stopping them from killing eachother, bathing them, feeding them, putting them to bed, getting them up, getting them dressed, getting them to and from sports and school and activities. It’s really like having a second full time job. I mean it. I used to get tired from my ONE full time job! HA! I didn’t realize how easy I had it back then!

    It’s very conflicting, really. On one hand, I really like and love my kids and a few times a week I get this “moment of pride” when one kid does something nice or says something smart or helps out or just *cooperates* with me. But, on the other hand, it’s a day to day grind. It’s like a second career. You come home from one job and job#2 starts. Then me and the wife stare blankly at the TV for an hour and drag ourselves to bed, exhausted. The amount of housework with kids seems to be triple what it was when it was just the two of us. After breakfast, lunch or dinner, it’s not “pot and pan two plates in the sink” but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. Same with clothes. The kids seem to have four clothes changes a day when you include sports uniforms and “accidents”.

    I dunno. The “kids are everything” people are a special bunch. I mean, maybe special in an OLYMPIC kind of way I don’t know. I know I would NEVER EVER EVER tell anyone that having kids is the “way to go” – it’s a choice. And I DO KNOW that I would not be all cute and jovial about the subject – people who ask “Really, what’s it like?” I would tell them.

    It feels very very sad and horrible to regret having kids. But a lot of the time, I regret marriage and children. We’re not all cut out for the sheer stress of it and the truckloads of work it takes. I seem to stress out too easily and get tired too fast for kids. And the single childfree health nuts say that 6 hours a week in the gym would make me into a healthy superdad! Sure, as soon as there are 26 hours in the day I’ll spend the extra two hours – yes 1 hour at the gym takes two hours, but childfree people don’t count things like travel and shower time. Parents do, because we know that minutes add up hours and time is a precious resource.

    People who know they are not cut out for it or just don’t want kids have my total respect and support. People who know it all and judge others they don’t know or tell other people what it is they should want, well, are idiots and they keep me laughing. And say what you want, because I will laugh as your bloodpressure soars as your post your diatribe and ad hominem attacks. Do your worst. It’s your blood pressure. 😉

    There. I ranted. Now I have to get back to work so I can get home on time and get started on the “weekend routine”. Oh dear god, don’t get me started on the WEEKEND ROUTINE. Just own your sh1t and do what you want and be happy in life and make your own choices and when someone tells you you’re selfish or doing it wrong just tell them to F-off.

  95. Stephanie
    May 11, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    Oh boy did my children change my world, BUT…….I LOVE my children!!! I’ll say it again I LOVE MY CHILDREN, regardless of the tantrums, teenage attitude and sleepless nights. Did I mention I have a teenager, toddler, infant and a husband who returned from Afghanistan completely, for lack of better words, fucked up. Yet I somehow I still find a way to be happy and positive. So please don’t tell me that I should share your negative views about motherhood. You have your fears of mothering and I respect that, and yes I’m sure there are millions of people who regret having children. Maybe, I propose, that just the problem with society. Maybe if people could just stop thinking about themselves for just a second and invest a little time in their precious little children we wouldn’t be be bringing up a bunch of narcissistic assholes.

  96. Shirley Gardiner
    May 12, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    Wow! This shit is so true.I am a mother of 2,and I love my kids but I am miserable doing this with all the work and effort it takes.People…DO NOT HAVE children,you will constantly catch your self working and doing things with no time for your self its a life of worry and commitment if I could go back in time I wouldn’t of done this to my self as fucked up as it sounds its really the truth!

  97. Anonymous
    May 13, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    If you don’t want them, please don’t have them. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T HAVE THEM. And tell all your friends that they shouldn’t do this either! These babiesIt’s OK. Don’t let people guilt trip you into having children. You are clearly not cut out for it and it’s OK!!!! They are too precious to come out of someone who doesn’t really want them. Please get fixed (spayed? neutered? whatever it’s called, just get fixed). There are enough moms out that there don’t know what the fuck they are doing and are having litters of babies who will probably not be exposed to the resources that they need to have a happy and/or successful life. We as a society don’t need any more “sorta wanted” kids.

    Yes, they are a pain in the ass. Yes, they cost a lot of money. Yes, there are days when I’d rather sleep in than feed these people or get drunk rather than do homework. But I can handle this. Most people can’t.

    I’ve never seen anything more more amazing than my own kids. Who wouldn’t want a mommy that thought they were the most amazing thing ever?? Just don’t do it, ok? Get fixed! Please get fixed. No one wants to come from a mommy that got caught and had to suck it up. Thank god my accident turned into a phenomenal blessing, as I am not one to sit back and suck up shit for other people’s benefit, at least UNTIL I HAD MY BABIES.

    With love,
    Accidental mommy

  98. Anonymous
    May 15, 2013 at 6:18 am #

    To all of you people who are saying that youd go back in time and stop yourself from having your child and that you regret it, Imagine yourself showing your children what youve written on this post. Imagine their faces whether they’re little children, teenagers, or adults. Imagine if your parents posted something like this. Its like the only person (or two people) in the world who is supposed to love them unconditionally is say

    • Not everyone is immature.
      May 16, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

      I will understand that. My family used to be poor and we go through shit. So I will understand my parents when they tell me that because despite saying that they still love me and I still love them. The only difference is now I choose to be childfree and concentrate to love my bf and my parents. =)

  99. Tired Dad
    May 15, 2013 at 6:59 am #

    @Anonymous:

    So you had a kid by accident and you LOVE your new role (lucky you) and thus now you’re able to take a morally superior stance and chastise everyone who had kids (intentionally or otherwise) if they are overwhelmed and possibly even regretting it?

    Then again, I’ve heard people say they LOVE parenting… but their dirty faced kids don’t get much attention and have very few opportunities. It’s funny, sometimes the people who identify themselves as being so awesome are not doing that great of a job, while parents who admit parenting is hard and that they are struggling have kids that are doing very well.

    I talk with my kids. DO things with them. Volunteer in their schools and sports teams. I am always on the go doing things for my wife and kids. It’s hard as hell some days, especially when I am sick and my wife and boss both have different plans for my evening and weekend!

    So yeah, it rips me up that sometimes I regret having kids (and being married too) but it’s true. And it’s an ugly truth. And most people don’t DARE say it, even anonymously online. But there, I’ve said it. And it rips me up and makes me feel sick and guilty. But it’s still true.

    I bet a lot of parents feel the way I do, and still try their best despite feeling tired and isolated.
    I can’t see how anyone can judge anyone else for doing something and then later regretting it. It’s certainly taboo when it comes to kids… but people can regret ANYTHING they do in life… why should it be any different with kids?

    You can try marriage and divorce if it’s not your thing. That’s cool.
    You can try a job and quit if it’s not your thing. That’s okay too.
    You can even retrain if your CAREER is not what you thought it would be. No problem.
    You can change your religion if your heart tells you to do so – people do it all the time.

    And you can even TRY OUT marriage, jobs, careers, and even religions FIRST before TRULY deciding to commit to them.

    But with kids, you sign up before you have them, not knowing what it’s really like to take care of them (properly) and raise them (properly).

    Just remember – I don’t know if my critics are making the kinds of sacrifices I am making and am doing the kind of job I am doing. So forgive me if I don’t really take criticism from strangers on the internet too too seriously.

    My kids are loved. Love is a verb, not a feeling in one’s heart. Love is action. Love is sacrifice. I hear mommies say all the time “I love my kids to death” but still stick a needle in their arm. Or stay with that abusive a-hole boyfriend. Or not work. Or not spend time with her kids and spend her time online with her boifriends.

    I regret having kids from time to time.

    But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them ALL of the time.

    They’re not mutually exclusive as far as I am concerned and I think GOOD parents who have these parents can STOP guilt tripping themselves, yet we all know they won’t!!

  100. Tired Dad
    May 15, 2013 at 7:03 am #

    Sorry: Last sentence is “…good parents who have these FEELINGS”…

    My brain is tired today.

  101. nancy
    May 15, 2013 at 7:37 am #

    If many of us could do it over …We would have waited later or not had any at all. Children do make you a better person, but they do hold you back from alot of your goals and dreams.

    Side note-> just because you dont physically see a person with children doesnt mean she NEVER had children , she just used abortations as her birth control method..

    women kill when they scream they dont have kids , meanwhile they had aleast 3 aborations please!!1

    I was too scared to get one , and i figured my pregnancy was meant to be, here i am a mother of twins and I love it ..it took some getting used to but i love them to death …

  102. Anonymous
    May 16, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    Your opinion is worthless if you don’t have kids yourself. Of course life would be easier without kids and I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. However, nothing is better than hearing my kids say, “I love you daddy”. Any bit of selfishness you have ever felt goes away with the first kid. If it doesn’t you shouldn’t have had them to begin with. Aside from all the emotion, life can’t exist without reproduction so that in itself makes the author a fucking retard.

    • Be wise, think twice.
      May 16, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

      First off, there are parents here with kids expressing that they loved their children but from time to time they do felt tired and have that feeling of what if I don’t have them. It is nothing wrong because we are all human and parents will always be respected as the hardest job on earth provided that they are great parents.

      Second, I believe you may feel offended with the harsh title in this article but look, we childfree by choice people goes through a long process of thoughts and finally made that decision. We have seen aweful kids with even more aweful parents who don’t nurture or educate their kid yet they choose to give birth without much thoughts into it. Obviously, I don’t mean all parents. I have seen great parents. Nevertheless, this article is a good place for parents-wannabe to give a deep thought whether they are suitable to be although it may be a little bit negative but we are adults, we are able to judge by ourselves with some researching. It is a serious matter to bring a new life to this world, it is not just about ‘I love you daddy/mommy’. It is more than that. Your mentioned that your selfishness goes away with your first kid. Let me tell you a story:

      A chinese medicine doctor held a talk once per week to the parents and their children to educate them on the chinese herbs. They will give out free chinese herb where you can eat it like sweets. As they gave out, the children eat it happily and you can see that the parents are keeping the sweets for their children.

      Here you can see that the parents are very nice and it is parents-love etc. But the chinese medicine said:

      “You parents should eat the sweets together with the children as well.” The parents felt weird and wonder why. And so the doctor said again: “Parents have that idea of keeping everything the best to their children, but the best thing is the parents enjoy the moments with the children is what they should do. Because the idea of keeping the sweets to their children selflessly is only teaching the children to be selfishly keeping everything to themselves or their parents; thus, the education ideal here is not right.” Afterwards, all the parents started eating the sweets with the children.

      This is something very basic but many people don’t know or can’t do it. Parents doesn’t means that they are selfless, childfree by choice doesn’t means that we are selfish. Yes, life can’t exist without reproduction but if we childfree by choice think that we are not suitable to be parents then we rather not choose to create a life but can’t nurture/educate them properly. The world has just grow into a place that it is harder to raise a kid than ever. If you love your children we respect that, and that makes you wrong to call the author a retard. Have a good day. I wish you enjoy your parenthood and your good kids will be successful in the future. 🙂

      • Be wise, think twice.
        May 16, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

        The Chinese medicine doctor said* Sorry about the mistake.

    • Stephanie
      May 17, 2013 at 9:33 am #

      Thank you anonymous, I was thinking just the same. People bitching about what a pain in the ass children are and yet if everyone shared this repulsive view then, guess what, none of us would be here, haha. If the author’s parents would have shared his views then he would not have had the luxury of typing away at a computer to write an article which expresses nothing more than negative and completely selfish views of nature. Reproducing is natural, be grateful for it people!!!

    • September 18, 2015 at 8:15 am #

      So your opinion on whether it is a good idea for you to have kids is worthless until you have kids? Sounds like a raw deal. Better not take the chance.

  103. Jc28
    May 17, 2013 at 10:16 am #

    I came across this post by accident (bizarrely, I was actually looking up ways to help my toddler walk!) and was intrigued, and perhaps a little shocked, by the provocative title. I read the article though, and a good few of the comments too before deciding to comment myself.

    Now, let me just say firstly, that I have total respect for those who choose not to have children. It is, quite simply, not what everyone wants out of life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. No-one should be made to feel guilty about that either or feel like they constantly have to explain their life choices. It’s no-one else’s business!

    Is the decision not to have children selfish? Yes, of course it is. You have decided to keep your life the way you like it, and keep on doing what suits you. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing though. The majority of everyone’s life choices (including choosing to have children!) are based on selfish reasons. Whether you want kids or no kids, a career, a partner, a home in the city or suburbs etc – all of these are “selfish” decisions, based on what is best for you as a person, and what would make you happiest in life. It’s what drives us all, and no-one should have to apologise for that.

    Obviously if you find yourself a parent under different circumstances (as in Ashlee’s situation) then part of your self-driven choice has been taken away from you, and I can completely understand that part of you, at least, wishes you’d been able to live the life you would have chosen for yourself, if you’d actually had the choice. Others may have thought they wanted it, and then realised, far too late, that it wasn’t actually what they wanted at all. That’s a shame, as no-one wants to live their life regretting their decisions, and certainly not one as permanent and irreversible as children. You can’t always help how you feel though, and I don’t think anyone deserves to be judged for that. I would hope however that, regardless of your remorse, you would still do the best by your child and never let onto them how you truly feel. They, after all, are the only ones who never had any choice in the matter to begin with.

    As for me, I can say with complete honesty, that I do not, and never have – for one minute – regretted becoming a parent. No, it’s not always easy, and yes, there are many days when I wish I could crawl back under the duvet for a few hours, not have to deal with a tantrum, or head out to the pub for the evening just because I feel like it. But I knew all this before I got pregnant. I knew what I was signing up for, how my life would change, and I still wanted it. I still do now, and I want more children in the near future.

    I’m not sure I could pinpoint exactly why I always wanted kids, but I don’t think it was for any of the reasons suggested in this article. Having known I wanted kids since I was only a kid myself, I don’t think any of those reasons would even have occurred to me. I know I would certainly love to be as good a mum to my daughter as my mum was, and still is, to me, but that’s something I really aspire to, not want to “out-do”. I’m even more certain that I did not have a void in my life before my daughter came along. I was very happy, and could probably have carried on for a good few more years yet before starting a family. My partner and I pretty much agreed “why wait?” though, and we often say to each other now that it was the best decision we ever made. I love that child with all my heart, and whether there was a void in my life there before her or not, I know there certainly would be now if I didn’t have her. It changed my life having her, and that is something I will never, ever, regret.

    • Be wise, think twice.
      May 17, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

      Jc28, thank you for your comment. It is nice to read it. I am very sure you are a great mother and glad that I am following this thread. Like you said that you are not sure if you could pinpoint exactly why you always wanted kids and having known you wanted kids since you were only a kid yourself. I too, couldn’t help with that affection-less towards kid since I was only a kid myself. I do share that affection towards animals. I have no idea why too, if we don’t count that responsibility in taking care of children. Well, you take responsibility in every decision you have made and including consequences. I have awesome parents who taught me that and I love them. However, I am more than willing to spend hours with dogs and cats or other animal.

      Having faced that filthy stare all the time when I don’t go ‘gigi googoogoo’ on someone else baby is just kind of suffocating. At first, I will tell them I really have no plan to have baby because I don’t really into it when asked. All I get is some ‘assumptious’ or rude questions, I get offensive when I was younger but now I just feel alright, it’s a norm. Our society or the so-called nature function that way.

      I came across many different types of parents. I have seen great parents with great patience and well educated. I have seen parents who enforce their children to do things that they couldn’t do it themselves when they were younger or those who couldn’t achieve certain things ends up not allowing their children to try because they see no point in it and their kid won’t have any achievement in it like themselves anyway. There are also parents who expect the kids to pay them back when they grow up. You are right, the new born baby are the only ones who never had any choice in the matter to begin with. I won’t say it is wrong to have expectation on your kids. Human are all selfish to being with. But too many times for some parents, ‘parents are the greatest’ became over rated for them.

      Couldn’t agree more on every decision made is a selfish one. It is actually all based on which perspective you are coming from to decide if it is a selfish or selfless one. I just thought our world could be better with more open minded people who are willing to accept and respect there are other kinds of people and not alienate them. Reading these whole chunk of comments, you already can see how do people judge childfree-thinking people. And while us, just hope parents-to-be can have more thoughts on if they truly wanted children. It is all for the better future of the kid they are going to have.

  104. Be wise, think twice.
    May 17, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

    to begin with*

  105. ChildFreedom
    May 17, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

    Lots of bingos here in the comments! Your blog was linked on a childfree forum and I am adding the comments I made there, with some modifications.

    To those who claim the childfree are immature, or fearful of fracturing their relationships, what is wrong about loving myself, my life, my husband, and being so fulfilled in my relationship, that I have no desire to throw a hand grenade into my life or marriage? Shocking that I do not see my life partner as a sperm donor and wallet, I know. As a result we have a loving, mature, self-aware, emotionally/mentally/physically connected, and totally honest relationship as equals. Such a shame.

    Many, many women I know have popped out babies because they feel insecure in their relationships as well as unfulfilled. They think a baby will provide certainty (he can’t leave, we have a baaaaby!) or the love they feel they are lacking (yeah, that sounds healthy!). How is that mature? Or loving? I have seen exactly what raising kids does to the dynamics of a couple. No thanks.

    Furthermore, many parents I have seen suffer an emotional stalling or regression. I see this most often in mothers. Not all, my own mother is intelligent and interesting but she also was not baby-obsessed and continued her career. Many, however, focus ALL their attention on baby, baby toys, baby needs, baby this, baby that. They basically become feed troughs for nursing children. Their male partners wonder when their partners snuck in a lobotomy. You might as well talk to a wall…it is far more interesting. Many of us childfree women can tell you that your male partners, our coworkers and friends, do not exactly like who you have become and they do not think we the childfree are the childish ones.

    I firmly believe that in this day and age, when and where birth control including abortion is accessible, that many women who sprog are committing a form of mental and emotional suicide. Pretty much every mother I know decided to get knocked up at a time their self-esteem was low, their relationship either brand new or rocky, their life tumultuous, or they were dissatisfied with their career options and so forth. Spend some time lurking a trying to concieve or infertility forum and you get whines about just wanting to experience unconditional love, to be fawned over, to oops their partner, about jealousy over a pregnant friend getting attention, about not caring that their partner is not ready/does not want kids as they do, and so on. They really are a cesspool of selfishness.

    Also, good luck with that fantasy of your kids basically being around to give you 24/7 love and affection in your old age. When was the last time you spent more than a few minutes with your own parents because, you know, you have your own life to live? In this day and age children grow up, move away, have their own careers, families (with or without children) or, may not even like you or may end up as drug addicts. Babies should not be born with the job to care for you one day and heal your own insecurities. I am not that insecure that I am worried about being lonely or bored in my old age. I do not actually mind being alone. I am good company. I’ll make sure to cry a little while I am enjoying a hike up Kilimanjaro at 65 with my sexy husband, while you are stuck in Nowhere, Idaho parenting grandbrats who were dumped off at your place, and trying to keep your uterus from prolapsing out of your vagina after all that trauma from childbirth.

    I have plenty of experience around children. I was a few years older than my siblings. I have a dozen much younger cousins. I have nephews. I worked in a daycare, a camp, and babysat for years. Guess what? I love my siblings, much more so as adults, but I find no joy in kids. Everything about them is irritating. Their care, their shrieks, their undeveloped brains, their sticky hands, their selfishness, their inability to respect personal space, their cost, their smell…ugh. An old age without grandbrats sounds perfect. The only thing worse is being around parents who think their child is the end all be all. I have seen formerly intelligent and creative people end up talking about nothing except their baby’s shitting habits and and their child’s art “talent”. They stopped living for themselves alright, but they also stopped living.

    In 40 years, the world’s population has doubled from 3.5 billion to 7 billion. If we are in danger of extinction it is because we have too many people, not because we do not have enough. These arguments are usually racist or fundie. No one complains that there are not enough Middle Eastern, Indian, Muslim, poor, etc breeding, it is always about the white, Christian, middle-class North Americans. Declines in our population levels, even extinction, is not a motivation for me. I think it would do the planet good.

    I am in my early/mid 30s. I feel happier about being childfree every single day. I am finally getting sterilized soon. It can be hard finding a doctor willing to do something so “permanent” if a woman has never had kids despite fact having kids at 21 is also permanent and perfectly fine! It was actually having a certain genetic risk that pushed them into finally being okay with it. For those who would say it is a good thing I am not going to breed? Darn right! That is hardly insulting or a threat.

    For those interested in some childfree reading, I recommend “The Baby Trap” Ellen Peck and “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” to start.

  106. ChildFreedom
    May 18, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    @nancy…

    Um, having abortions and never giving birth means you have never had children. A fetus is not a child. Someone who has had abortions and not given birth is not a mother.

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  108. P-Ness
    May 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    People should stop birthing all together. They will have no future. I wish people would stop interfering and live their own lives. People that bring children into the world and resent them is emotiona abuse. Take responsibility for your own actions.

  109. P-Ness
    May 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    People should stop birthing all together. They will have no future. I wish people would stop interfering and live their own lives. People that bring children into the world and resent them is emotional abuse. Take responsibility for your own actions.

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  111. Society
    May 21, 2013 at 10:43 am #

    People, just accept everyone’s decisions. Support people who don’t/ do want kids. We have gays, transsexuals, etc. we accept them why can’t we accept the littlest thing as to not having children… This is really disappointing.

  112. selena j
    May 21, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

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  113. Dana Wood
    May 22, 2013 at 9:16 am #

    I was so excited to be a mother and have this cute little baby that is all I talked about. I drove my mother crazy until I got pregnant. I was so happy when my son and daughter were born,it was my happiest day.
    I understand why some parents have some regrets not getting sleep, no time to themselves and have to worry about another humane being all the time it is hard. It was hard once they became teenager that was hard for me. if i could of just had them go from 10 to 30 and by passed the teen years I would of been so happy. I am not saying I do not love my children I just did not like the teen years and that is an honest feeling on my part.
    You can love your children but think what have I done with my life, it is okay to feel regretful at times. I think it is okay for people not to have kids I have two sisters and several friends who don’t have kids. For some it was a health choice and others knew they could not do it emotionally and I really respect their decisions. When people do not have a choice to have children or not a lot of kids can end up abused because some don’t know how to care for a kid or angry and screwed up that they have to give time to another person.
    I think everyone should be able to feel the way they want and not be told they are wrong. What is right for someone is not always right for others and we have understand that and not judge others.

  114. opinion
    May 22, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    My goodness the comments are all over the place. I do and do not agree with this article. I very much agree with Dana wood. Everyone is different point blank. Some people do not want to be parents and good for them for realizing it.. Some people have children for whatever reason and then regret it. You have people that wanted and totally love parenthood. You have people that really don’t care either way; their children haven’t made them unhappy nor could they say their children are everything to them.

    would life have been better with or without? who knows for sure really? I can’t live my life having had children and then live my life not having children and compare the two, and I can not look to Peggy Sue down the street who did not have kids because I’m not Peggy Sue. I myself love my children. I do not regret having them. There are times I want to bash their heads into the wall (that’s a joke btw I don’t mean literally) there are times it’s not all rainbows and sunshine,but I think that’s a part of life whether you have children or not, but as with all choices I’ve made in my life well I think I’ve done pretty darn good for myself.

    One thing I would like to say is the title of this article made me angry when I read it…I mean how dare anyone presume to know the feelings of another just because you regret having kids does not mean everyone else does; just like I may be happy as a clam with my kids does not mean everyone else is either. By all means, you are entitled to regret having kids or be proud you chose to not have children but don’t put down those that chose to have them.

    As for having children being a selfish reason, is not every choice we make in life somewhat of a selfish nature?…I do not “want” children and why so you don’t have to deal with the headache they can bring?…sounds selfish, so you don’t have to give up your hot body, your career, your friends, your time…sounds selfish. I do “want” children…I want to feel loved, I want someone to take care of me when I’m old, I want it to strengthen my marriage, I want fullfillment, again it sounds rather selfish. I thought I “wanted” children but then realized I didn’t…I thought it would be great to dress it up so cute, I thought it would be fun to go to ball games, I thought it would make me happy, but it didn’t…again selfish thought patterns. The choices me make in life almost always stem from selfish reasons; we rationalize things and consider others in those choices but our happiness and well being is always in the mix and that can be seen always as being selfish.

  115. Kitty
    May 22, 2013 at 11:31 pm #

    I completely agree with all this blog. I don’t want children either…thank fully haven’t got any. I’m not really a people person, I love cute animals. Small humans to me are just snotty nosed, smelly, annoying things & when they get older they turn into big annoying things. Their cute when their new born but when they start growing up…no thank you!!! Parents also really annoy me. All they ever do is stand around chatting about their kids like there’s nothing else to talk about yawn yawn yawn. I think it’s great that you have said what probably most others think.

  116. james
    May 23, 2013 at 3:53 am #

    Helb Louis

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  117. Anonymous
    May 23, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    “Not wanting kids” is the best woman repellant I have ever seen. I hope I can find a woman that doesn’t want kids before I give in to the others.

  118. Anonymous
    May 23, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    I think the stupid cunt that said she wants to shoot her kids, needs a shot gun stuck to her head! I am a mother of a 4, 3, and 1 year old, and yes at times it does get frustrating, sometimes I have to go to the next room to get a breather, but I don’t care what…..I will never regret having my children. I would do it all again. This whole article is totally crap, what it boils down to is that maybe YOUR PARENTS should have decided not to have children…..then the world would be better off without the sneers of people like you, judging people like me having children. What is your purpose in this world, if not to have children? To write up stupid articles about not having children……WOW that really did the world good!!

    • September 18, 2015 at 8:17 am #

      Believe it or not it IS a good thing for people who don’t really want kids to be discouraged from having them. Probably a much greater good than you blabbing about who needs a shotgun put to their head.

  119. Sue
    May 23, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

    Instead of arguing, maybe we should all just cast spells on each other. After all, there ARE about a bazillion spam links in the comments for “spell casting” doctors. 🙂

  120. Rose
    May 24, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    It took me a long time to think about this testimony. Alaye temple helped me so much lately that I really wanted to express all the feelings I have since I met alayetemple@yahoo.com. Of course, I am really happy that he reunited us. Yet, what I will remember from that fantastic experience he made me live with this spell, it’s that he have always been a very kind and sincere person. Now I consider Dr Ara like a confident, and not only a simple spell caster. He remind me a lot of my godfather who was counting me many stories about voodoo when I was young. You are a rare person and I’m glad that I met him. I can feel all his spiritual goodness in all the emails he wrote, from the first day until now! I’ll be forever thankful.

    • Sue
      May 24, 2013 at 11:37 am #

      Lol. See? Here’s yet another link for a doctor that can cast spells…

  121. May 24, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    I’m truly amazed at the response to this post. I really don’t understand how so many people can become so emotionally invested in the choices and opinions of others. Where has our basic tolerance gone?
    What someone else chooses to do or not do with their life is nothing for you to be concerned about, unless it’s directly impacting on your life or the choices you can make in a substantial and adverse way. Something I don’t see happening here.
    It’s basic human nature to find happiness in the circumstances we’re given, hence why people who didn’t want children can find joy in having them unplanned. It’s easier psychologically to choose to accept and appreciate your lot than to constantly rile against it. Also, all those hormones that babies make you produce in order to bond with them helps.

    On the personal side, I’d love to have kids but haven’t yet simply because of circumstances. Ultimately, however, I would much rather not have children, than to have them for the wrong reasons.

    • May 24, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

      Roxanne, hands down the best of 260 comments here yet, including mine. Your sensibility and eloquence in this snakepit of tantrums is a breath of fresh air. I somewhat echo your sentiments, but less gracefully, in my latest post on Intentious, called “My Butt Is Covered With Moss…” Really, thank you for your contribution.

  122. Lillian
    May 25, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

    I think people should only have children if they love it enough to deal with all the hardships that can come with parenting. I know that we don’t always know when we choose what those hardships will be. I respect anyone who doesn’t want children and chooses not to have them. I love my children but it has been seriously difficult to have them in my life. And now I am raising a grandchild with major issues. I have to look at it from my spiritual point of view. I chose this scenario before i entered this present lifetime. I chose this life so that I and my family could learn soul lessons. You may not hold this same belief, but for me, it is real. But I can still say I picked some very difficult and heart rending lessons for this time around. If you are having horrible problems I might kindly suggest that you get counseling, though this doesn’t always solve everything. I might also suggest that you try exploring some spiritual paths for yourself. I don’t just mean religion. I mean a true spiritual path. This may not be your thing but if you have any inclination, give it a try. I would not have survived all I have had to face without my spiritual life. I am, by the way, a spiritual Yogi with a very liberal and expanding view. I also work with babies and young children as part of my living. I totally love these little sweethearts but I want to cry when I think of what they face growing up in this world. I know how much they will change and it breaks my heart. There is a saying among spiritual people. You can’t change anyone else. All you can do is work on yourself. I might also suggest the wonderful teachings of Eckhart Tolle.

  123. ROSE
    May 25, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

    just want to share my experience with the world on how I got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 6years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because I love him so much and don’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house because it was a rented apartment and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience because I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him through his email address; dr_lovetemple@yahoo.com rose

  124. Anonymous
    May 28, 2013 at 2:27 am #

    Nah, I don’t regret having my kids

  125. AlienShow
    May 28, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

    I regret the aliens that are going to have to eat those ungrateful parents.

  126. 00000
    May 29, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

    You’re selfish if you do and selfish if you don’t. Either way, I hate hedonists, they only seem to be happy if someone else is suffering.

  127. carolina
    June 1, 2013 at 2:12 am #

    i experience dual casting with Dr Augustus. latterdayassembly@yahoo.com and today he emailed me out of the blue. this is on the 5th day of the 1st spell and he is already contacting me. wow, i was starting to think i was beating a dead horse since i have heard from him in 1 month. thank you so much, i can not wait to start the love me again dual casting. the incense and oil smell very good. thank you for helping me. i am going to recommend your service to my friends. thank you again and thank you papa Dr.Augustus

    Reply

  128. Heather
    June 2, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    I don’t think that someone who chooses not to have kids are wrong or selfish. It’s annoying if they insult all kids or insinuate parents are unhappy and not admitting it. What’s right for you is not right for everyone.

    I do think those who complain about having had kids are disgusting.

    I got pregnant by surprise (on the pill) and I still have not regretted becoming a mom for one second. For me, it’s worth everything. It brings me immeasurable happiness. I just cannot put into words how much better each day is made by my daughter’s presence in it.

    My own mother clearly thought she could have done better things with her time by not having us. So she shouldn’t have. Having a child you’re going to do anything less than cherish… That is selfish. I don’t have to respect parents who are that way. It’s disgusting and not people I want to be around. I have plenty of childless by choice friends and happy parent friends to sustain me.

  129. Alex George
    June 3, 2013 at 6:56 am #

    This is just my life story.It may seem selfish of me but those who are in the same situation as i will understand me.My name is Alex George and i live in Germany.I fell in love with the love of my life since my high school her name is Nicky Young, no matter how i tried to make her see reasons that i was in love with her, it was all a waste of time.She was in love with a guy who does not deserve her love for any reason i mean he was a cheat and he never made her happy.All the time she was married to the guy she always seem so unhappy cause he was never at home always hang out with his scum friends and even get wasted and lead to drunk sex.She was so aware of the fact that he cheats on her with cheap girls.Watching her like that was so hard.I tried all i could to make her understand that there was some one who actually care for her but it never happened.The worst happened she found out that the man she call her husband was married to another woman living in New York.This was the saddest moment of her life he wasn’t ready to end things up with the other woman because he claimed that she is the mother of his children he don’t want to miss out from the life of his children.Nicky was not lucky enough to be carrying his offspring and that was something i loved so much cause Nicky is too special to carry the child of a monster.Off course he ask for a divorce but she was not going to give it to help i talked to her, her parent did the same but she claimed to be in love and i said when you are in love you fight for those you love.This words made me took the action i took to get her to myself with the help of a spell caster from Dr sunshine his email doctorsunshinehope@yahoo.com.I mean she was in pain and was depressed she started taking pain drugs, even made everything more complicated but i was able to make her quit.Even after all this problem she had because of that guy she still wanted him back but he didn’t want anything to do with her.I decided that she was too good to suffer for that guy.When i first contacted Dr sunshine i told him how Nicky married her husband and how unhappy she has been and how she doesn’t want me even when she knows i love her so much.Dr sunshine told me that i was going to get some material to push through with the spell he was going to help me with.I asked him to get the material for me so that i will pay for them.All he kept telling me was that all my heart desires will come to me.I wish i knew what he did but it made Nicky love me more than her last husband i was so in love as much as she was to me it was so obvious that Dr sunshine killed the pain She was having and made the love between us so strong that no one can put asunder.Thanks to Dr sunshine we are getting married soon.I just want to say thank you for the spell.contact him now (doctorsunshinehope@yahoo.com).

  130. Tina
    June 3, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

    Loved reading this article. My beautiful girls are 4 and 6. I’d never planned for children in my 20’s, resented mothers who worked with me because they always seemed to be off work looking after a sick kid and stealing the best annual leave dates, they seemed to be given priority treatment. The upside was I could do what I wanted, work overtime or go down the pubs and clubs with my friends. Go on boozy, sun filled holidays abroad. The world was my oyster. I still lived with my parents and loved spending time with my little brother who was 12 years younger than me (he unintentionally wrecked my teenage years as mum would meet me at the school gates with him every day and I had to look after him, feed him, put him to bed etc while she went to work – but thats another story). So in my 30’s I met a guy 10 years younger than me who actually wanted to start a family. I was apprehensive to say the least and put it off for a year before we started as I didn’t think I had any maternal bones in my body, I didn’t really fancy ruining my body and most of all I explained to him my biggest fear would be to be a single mum. Work was great I was very successful winning awards and bought my first property, life was great. We discussed what would happen when a baby arrived and discussed him being a stay at home dad. We started trying for a baby but nothing. We were together for 3 years in all and weren’t successful. He got checked out and so did I, during this time I had to have an ovary removed, so knew my chances of having a baby were even slimmer. After he dumped me we carries on seeing each other (as I turns out he was just using me til someone better came along) but hey presto, after a boozy relaxing holiday with friends and family, I come home and bam, I’m preggers. The ex was lovely during this time always staying over, coming to scans, rubbing my belly etc. When our daughter was born he was over the moon, even taking us all away on holiday when she was 3 months old. Then 6 months later, bam, pregnant again with baby number 2 (jjust thinking perhaps there’s a link with a holiday in Turkey and getting knocked up). This pregnancy was completely different, no support and definitely no rubbing of the belly. When I was 5 months pregnant find out he’s gone off with a 16 year old school girl. I still hoped he would come to his senses and come back but him having a child with the new girlfriend and marrying her kind of gave me the hint this wouldn’t happen. So here I am, a single mum with a 4 and 6 year old. Now on paper you may think I would resent them for me now being broke and losing all friends coz I’ve no money or someone to look after my kids so I can socialise but you’d be wrong. My children are the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I used to get stressed out if I hadn’t gone out seeing my friends 2 weekends in a row, I don’t get invited out now but I’m not that bothered. I couldn’t justify spending money on myself. My biggest issue is the same as one I read on another post, I’m exhausted!!!!!! I think it’s because I’m a bit of a control freak, anal, OCD or something along those lines. Anything I do, I have to try and be the best. I did all my homework and was determined to breast feed. I hadn’t anticipated the pain!!! Cracked and bleeding nipples, swollen painful boobs (I even walked into a door frame with them – ouch) but persevered. I read solely breast feeding for the first 6 months was the best, did that. She was nearly a year when I stopped, I was devastated stopping but it stopped when I was pregnant with the second child. Baby number 2, different kettle of fish, breast feeding and expressing milk for the ex to have her every other weekend. Now that time in my life was dreadful. I was either feeding or expressing, then trying to care for my eldest child all at the same time. I find it extremely difficult asking for help and the one time I asked my mum she said “we’ll I had 3 children by the time I was 18 and I managed ok (turns out my brother and sisters were passed from pillar to post to babysitters my mum barely knew whilst she went to work). My childhood was absolutely miserable. I’m not close to my mum as she never seemed to be around growing up, never showed love, and i could never turn to her for help or advice, she’s like it to this day. I always wanted to be the best mum to my children, I want them to love me and have great childhood memories. I want them to know I’m always here for them, they can talk to me about anything and ill listen and give them all my time. WELL, this seems to have backfired against me. I love them but they drive me mad, and I’m sure I’m to blame. They don’t like being away from me, both sleep in my bed, so I end up sleeping in theirs and although my girls love each other, they seem to spend most of the time arguing. Then it’s “mummy she did this. Mummy she said that”. And because I’m this control freak instead of letting them get on with it (god that sends shivers down my spine just thinking of it) I’m always getting involved keeping the peace. Im also a hoarder so nothing gets thrown away (made the mistake of throwing and old Christmas cracker toy out in the past and they haven’t let me forget) so needless to say the house is totally cluttered but if they ever need anything there’s bound to be one about. The council have told me I’ve to get a job in August when my youngest turns 5 but that actually fills me with dread and fear. I’ve lost all confidence in my abilities and people skills, plus I don’t want to be a burden on any future employer. I don’t want to be ‘that woman’ who rings in sick to stay home with a sick kid. I don’t want work colleagues looking down their noses at me for taking all the good annual leave dates, but most of all, who will look after and cook for my children? It’s always been me. My children seem to have sucked all the life and energy out of me. I always feel exhausted, my best friend says ” I don’t know why you find it difficult, you have all day to yourself whilst they’re at school”, implying I’m lazy or making up how hard I find things. I’m not lazy, I’ve had hard jobs working 12/13 hours per day. I’ve worked in freezing cold factories but this is hands down the toughest job I’ve ever had. Just coz they’re at school doesn’t mean I’m at home doing nothing. Well actually I am laying in bed typing this but only because I was up Til 3am doing a project on castles for my 6 year old (she shows me the homework sheet just as she went to bed yesterday). So in closing, my worst fear of being a single mum has been realised, but I’m just about managing and I’ve got 2 confident, intelligent children who love me and who I would kill for, so job done well in my opinion. Advice, have kids but prepare for the mental exhaustion and have a partner helping out if you can. The stuff you read about single mums having it easy isn’t always true and people thinking people have more children for the benefit money, well, if you offered me £100k right now to have another child I’d say “not a chance. Noooo way”!!!!

  131. June 4, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    I’m a almost 60 year old woman, a mother of 3 who I gave everything to for years, and as I aged they were mean disrespectful and I wish I never had any of them. If I had to do it over again I would have had a hysterectomy at age 20.

    • Variathus
      June 4, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

      You sound like a hollowed out old cunt.
      You should of been nicked in the neck from being able to even make opinions.

      • June 7, 2013 at 8:30 am #

        nice language

      • June 12, 2013 at 8:35 am #

        and you sound like an ignorant little boy. you know nothing about me or my situation. Your tongue/fingers/eyes should be cut out to utter such disgusting words.

    • Anonymous
      June 7, 2013 at 7:24 am #

      that is an amazing thing to say. i dont like kids becuz of their disrespectful actions. so i understand what your saying

  132. June 5, 2013 at 6:03 am #

    You’re really annoying

  133. k8
    June 5, 2013 at 6:12 am #

    Wrong. The reason why you should have kids is to keep human evolution progressing towards people who are more rationally driven rather than instinctually driven. Think of the people who have the largest number of children; most are uneducated andlargely incapable of thinking ahead. Meanwhile, people who have careers and advanced degrees often elect to have one or no children, thus ending their genetic lineage. No one will talk about this because it’s politically incorrect, but there you go.

  134. Dana
    June 5, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

    I used to think magick was bogus but after Felix left me I felt open-minded to try it. Maybe I was desperate too. But this is real! You restored the love we had for each other. And now he proposed as you promised he would! I am your friend forever and very grateful for all of this. I will come back again, very soon. Contact him to get help in any area of your life, via: Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com

  135. casss
    June 6, 2013 at 1:42 am #

    I am in my 20’s & is so happy that I am not alone in this matter. I love kids from the age of birth up until their teens. I love the fact that I can play with them, be free with them, & at the end of the day, return them to their parents. The thought of me having my own children depress & make me anxious. As a child my mother struggled through most of her life while unknowingly planting subliminal messages stating that “this would be a lot easier if I didn’t have you” I.e, I am doing this all for you. Even my family members would say my mother went though a lot for me. Granted I lived with my father but at the end of the day, my mother was the one who got the spot light when it came to parenting. Don’t get me wrong, I have fond memories with and of her. Unfortunately the negative outweighs the positive. I used to think I wanted a child. I guess it was because thats what I was supposed to want as a female. As I became older and reached an age of clarity I realized how much I dread the idea. Yes I am selfish. I will admit that. I love working o.t at work & sleeping for half the day on my day off from exhaustion. I love waking up one day, making a decision to spontaneously go on a road trip with my best friend, & just doing it. I love being in the mood for cheese cake in the city at 2 in the morning, waking up & going to get it without being concerned about who’s going to watch a kid. I love being limitless. If I have to worry about anything it is about my myself & parents. If I want to go back to school to further my education I don’t have to be concerned about a child who I have to work for so there for I can’t make the move for school just yet. I am not saying children hold you back. My mother continued her education after I was born and worked tripled shifts as a nurse. This lead her to not have anymore children because she wanted the most for me. With that being said, I was often left in isolation to play with my stuffed animals, watch t.v, and interact with NO ONE. I was a lonely child who wished she had a sibling around the house or someone I can at least relate to. Although I was my mother’s first and only, her job was her main priority (because of me). Now, I know this is not the case for all. Some parents give up most of their dreams and aspirations for their children. They give them all the time in the world; they give them siblings. I don’t want to be neither one of those type of parents. I dread having to give my my dreams and aspirations or putting them on hold to have a child that I already know I do not want. I dread having to work long tiring hrs at a job that makes me miserable and in turn neglecting my child for their financial security. I dread spending $ I barely have on a child, having to put things on a back burner for a child, not being good enough for a child, worrying about my child’s environment because of course the way a child turns out in their adult life has everything to do with the parent and nothing to do with outside influence (sarcasm). I am not discouraging those who do have and want children. They are a blessing and can bring so much joy to ones heart. It is beautiful to watch a mini you grow mentally and physically. Everything else in between is a burden (to me) that I already know I am not mentally capable of handling.

  136. June 6, 2013 at 2:56 am #

    I can certainly see where having a child is a very fulfilling life choice for people who planned to have children. I can even see where people who didn’t necessarily plan to have kids end up thoroughly enjoying the experience anyway, and that’s great.

    I just don’t see why people choosing not to have kids is such a big deal.

    A lot of people like to go on and on about how much children will improve their lives, how important it is to a person’s maturity. If a person is mature enough to realize that they wouldn’t make the best candidate to raise a child and happy within themselves by their own merit, I’d call that a very well-adjusted person.

    People talk about pumping out babies, but never raising adults. I think a lot of people go into having kids without any concept of the size and scope of the task or for stupid reasons like “it’s what’s next” or “I want my legacy to live on”. If your legacy isn’t worthy of enduring because of the things you and you alone have accomplished in your lifetime, you deserve none. If you want proof, name Tesla’s kids real quick. We still remember that guy, eh?

    http://undermyfitted.blogspot.com/2012/10/10-shitty-reasons-to-have-kids.html

    Moving on, it’s extremely unfair to discount other forms of love and relationships that could be present in a childless person’s life. Skipping over the fact that people have families ad friends they may consider as close or closer than blood, if someone is married they have declared to the world that their voluntary mutual love is of such a magnitude that they want to be in each others’ lives forever.

    Your parents will likely die before you. Your kids will leave one day to unite with someone of their choosing. Your husband/wife/life partner is there with and for you until one of you dies. That’s easily enough love to sustain a person throughout their lives (or at least, should be, but then again the divorce rate is 50% so who can call it). To insinuate that a person in a loving relationship with a person they have carefully selected to be around them every single day is somehow unhappy is insulting of a number of levels.

    Kids are a significant lifetime investment of time, money and resources, and it’s not one everybody wants to make. I myself loved kids, and loved giving them back to their parents even more. Deciding you don’t want to be a parent is no different from deciding you don’t want to live in a certain city, you don’t want to pursue a certain career, you don’t want to attend a certain school: after carefully evaluating the pros and cons (and there ARE both) as they relate to your life, you have decided that it’s not a course of action you are interested in.

    For the record, I have a 1-year old (despite my best efforts and birth control). If I could DeLorean back in time to the day it all apparently started, I’d tell me to do something else that night. It’s not a reflection on my partner, we’re together, happy, and have moved in together since. I plan on marrying her, and not just because of a misfire. It’s also not the baby’s fault, he’s just apparently a really strong swimmer.

    Seriously, he’s cute and learns so much as time passes, but becoming a parent is an extreme makeover for your entire lifestyle which not everybody signs up for implicitly. It’s not surprising to hear that people regret having kids…you can regret any other life-changing decision that had unforeseen consequences, but not having a kid? Extended lol. Assuming everybody with kids wanted kids is pretty obtuse. Hell, I’m not sure we can even have that discussion without serious male reproductive rights reform.

    I wasn’t ready for a kid. I have one anyway. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t, so I do. It doesn’t mean I abuse the kid or don’t love him, I just wish he were born 5 years from now. Doesn’t stop me from handling my responsibilities and putting as much energy as necessary into raising an eventual adult that doesn’t belong in a cage.

    (I also got to write a book about the experience, which could eventually become something of a bill credit for the $200,000 it will take to raise him: http://www.undermyfitted.com/expecting-the-worst/)

    Bottom line is, if you want kids and can support them, have ’em. The world needs more parents who WANT to be parents because surprise…they make the best parents!

    If you don’t want kids, DO NOT. Why do it to yourself? You’re an adult and can make your own decisions, and if one of them is not to reproduce, then you don’t have to justify it to a soul.

    If you find out too late you didn’t want kids, it happens to a lot of people…but if you do your best to show them love and raise them right, who the fuck is anybody else to offer commentary? There is no perfect parent…as long as you’re trying, I cannot smell a fault.

    Children deserve to be raised by two people who altruistically want to raise a child. If you and your current partner do not form these two people, you either don’t need children or do need to find someone that wants them to have them with.

    At least, that’s my theory.

  137. captnaj
    June 6, 2013 at 2:57 am #

    I can certainly see where having a child is a very fulfilling life choice for people who planned to have children. I can even see where people who didn’t necessarily plan to have kids end up thoroughly enjoying the experience anyway, and that’s great.

    I just don’t see why people choosing not to have kids is such a big deal.

    A lot of people like to go on and on about how much children will improve their lives, how important it is to a person’s maturity. If a person is mature enough to realize that they wouldn’t make the best candidate to raise a child and happy within themselves by their own merit, I’d call that a very well-adjusted person.

    People talk about pumping out babies, but never raising adults. I think a lot of people go into having kids without any concept of the size and scope of the task or for stupid reasons like “it’s what’s next” or “I want my legacy to live on”. If your legacy isn’t worthy of enduring because of the things you and you alone have accomplished in your lifetime, you deserve none. If you want proof, name Tesla’s kids real quick. We still remember that guy, eh?

    http://undermyfitted.blogspot.com/2012/10/10-shitty-reasons-to-have-kids.html

    Moving on, it’s extremely unfair to discount other forms of love and relationships that could be present in a childless person’s life. Skipping over the fact that people have families ad friends they may consider as close or closer than blood, if someone is married they have declared to the world that their voluntary mutual love is of such a magnitude that they want to be in each others’ lives forever.

    Your parents will likely die before you. Your kids will leave one day to unite with someone of their choosing. Your husband/wife/life partner is there with and for you until one of you dies. That’s easily enough love to sustain a person throughout their lives (or at least, should be, but then again the divorce rate is 50% so who can call it). To insinuate that a person in a loving relationship with a person they have carefully selected to be around them every single day is somehow unhappy is insulting of a number of levels.

    Kids are a significant lifetime investment of time, money and resources, and it’s not one everybody wants to make. I myself loved kids, and loved giving them back to their parents even more. Deciding you don’t want to be a parent is no different from deciding you don’t want to live in a certain city, you don’t want to pursue a certain career, you don’t want to attend a certain school: after carefully evaluating the pros and cons (and there ARE both) as they relate to your life, you have decided that it’s not a course of action you are interested in.

    For the record, I have a 1-year old (despite my best efforts and birth control). If I could DeLorean back in time to the day it all apparently started, I’d tell me to do something else that night. It’s not a reflection on my partner, we’re together, happy, and have moved in together since. I plan on marrying her, and not just because of a misfire. It’s also not the baby’s fault, he’s just apparently a really strong swimmer.

    Seriously, he’s cute and learns so much as time passes, but becoming a parent is an extreme makeover for your entire lifestyle which not everybody signs up for implicitly. It’s not surprising to hear that people regret having kids…you can regret any other life-changing decision that had unforeseen consequences, but not having a kid? Extended lol. Assuming everybody with kids wanted kids is pretty obtuse. Hell, I’m not sure we can even have that discussion without serious male reproductive rights reform.

    I wasn’t ready for a kid. I have one anyway. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t, so I do. It doesn’t mean I abuse the kid or don’t love him, I just wish he were born 5 years from now. Doesn’t stop me from handling my responsibilities and putting as much energy as necessary into raising an eventual adult that doesn’t belong in a cage.

    (I also got to write a book about the experience, which could eventually become something of a bill credit for the $200,000 it will take to raise him: http://www.undermyfitted.com/expecting-the-worst/)

    Bottom line is, if you want kids and can support them, have ‘em. The world needs more parents who WANT to be parents because surprise…they make the best parents!

    If you don’t want kids, DO NOT. Why do it to yourself? You’re an adult and can make your own decisions, and if one of them is not to reproduce, then you don’t have to justify it to a soul.

    If you find out too late you didn’t want kids, it happens to a lot of people…but if you do your best to show them love and raise them right, who the fuck is anybody else to offer commentary? There is no perfect parent…as long as you’re trying, I cannot smell a fault.

    Children deserve to be raised by two people who altruistically want to raise a child. If you and your current partner do not form these two people, you either don’t need children or do need to find someone that wants them to have them with.

    At least, that’s my theory.

  138. L
    June 6, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

    I regret having kids…and I’m not ashamed to say it. It freaking sucks and honestly I don’t see the point.

    • F
      June 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

      I get pretty upset when people say im selfish for not having children with my husband of 10years. I haven’t had kids because I have had personal health issues that would have killed both baby and myself if I had tried sooner. Also because of health I didn’t have the energy, strength or patients to look after myself or husband let alone a child. Im not selfish, I think about the repercussions, this is why I don’t have them.. It makes me angry that some people have kids and don’t look after them and teach them, like my sister in law, and then I think how much I judge these people and don’t want to have kids myself in case I get judged badly for not caring for or looking after them to someone elses standards.. Like someone else said, your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

  139. Anonymous
    June 6, 2013 at 11:19 pm #

    Its not selfish to not want to have children. I dont understand not wanting them but if you dont want them you should not have them. There are many people who would love to adopt. It is immensely hard work. And if you aren’t going to enjoy them and love them your child is missing out on the most important things in life. No matter what else you sacrifice for them.

  140. Anonymous
    June 7, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    i understand y i dont like kids. im very open with the fact that i dont like them. i’m currently in a relationship and i really dont like my step chlid. plain and simple. the big problem is that hes two years old. but lemme explain. i never liked kids. the ages of 6 months to 18 yrs old is the worst type of kid. they say and do disrespectful things and r very selfish ppl. who wants to be around a person like that all the time?? not I. ok the lil boy is cute and i do love him and respect him but i dont like him. i love his mother and we have a great relationship but i dont wanna be bothered with hearing the kid whinning and crying and making demands like he owns something cuz he doesnt own shit. its so annoying. and she wants to get married and have him take my last name. her intentions r very good but im not interested in all that. i really wish she didnt have him. and that probably makes me a bad person but i cant help how i feel. and i try and try to like the lil boy but its jus not happening. im confused on what to do about this situation cuz i’ve been told before that to love someone with a child means u hafta “love” the child too. but i cood do without the kid perfectly fine.i’d hate for the relationship to end cuz i cant hold back my feelings for the kid but hes soooo annoying. im 28 yrs old with no kids for a reason. i once thought i wanted to have kids but being in this relationship has settled my mind for good…. kids r outta the question for me. but i still dont know wat to do in the current situation im in cuz i truly love his mother and want a life with her. is there military school for babies??

  141. lilian
    June 7, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    My name is miss Lilian am giving a testimony on how a spell caster has bring back my ex boy friend. I meant a friend who directed me to Prophet Jakula at the internet who help people to solve their problem, then i explain my problem to Prophet Jakula he said i should not worry about that, that i should give he 2days for him to caster a spell after that 2days my ex boy friend called me on my officer line then he started begging. That is how my ex boy friend came back to me please contact prophetjakula@gmail.com……Lilian.

  142. June 7, 2013 at 8:26 am #

    Hi! I really enjoyed reading this blog.. I’m agree with this. I love kids and get along great with them because I’m able to give them back at the end of the day. I would only have a kid if I was so rich I had money coming out of my ears. I would hire a nurse, a nanny, a maid, etc. That way I could sleep and do whatever I wanted whenever I want. That’s the only way it would ever work for me.

  143. grace
    June 7, 2013 at 7:28 pm #

    Am MRS GRACE BENSON from free town my husband broke up with me last week and i tried deferent types of solutions including love doctors spell casters and nothing good came of out it so i was about to give up then i came across this temple on the internet so i said i should give it a try to my suprise the temple ask me of some information which i give and said it will cast some spell that in four day time my ex husband will be back with me that all i have to do is to wait till four days so i did and i started seeing result in the third day my ex started contacting me and in the forth day he finally came back to me right now am so happy and i thank God for coming across this temple the temple really help me to rescue my relationship i decided to share my experience cause i know it will help some other person wish you the best of luck to contact the temple here is it email address :drlawrencespelltemple@gmail.com
    phone;+2348143988536

  144. June 8, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

    Giving birth is selfish. That kid didn’t ask to be dragged into this scary dangerous world.

    • Anonymous
      June 15, 2013 at 12:21 am #

      I always tell my mother that when she says I’m ungrateful.

  145. andy
    June 9, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me..
    My name is Andy Sowers,i live in Australia,and I’m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn’t love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again.
    So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{dromobaspellhome@gmail.com}.
    So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn’t call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster.
    So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {dromobaspellhome@gmail.com},i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back.
    So thanks to the dromoba for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.
    {dromobaspellhome@gmail.com},
    Thanks…

  146. JLS
    June 10, 2013 at 1:53 am #

    Im wit this person who posted dis! im a dad and i regret every single day of getting ma girl, now wife pregnant. everyone says that its a period in my life but no matter how hard i try to be happy, i just cant seem to be. the thing dat pisses me off the most its dat wen my wife got pregnant she never asked for my opinion as to wat she should do? what should i do? should i have it or not? are you ready? do you think im ready? she never asked me for my opinion. even when she was expecting i just wished everyday that she would miscarriage it or abort it! stillborn would have been even better! judge me all you want, say what you have to say, call me a imature man, i dont give a $Hit, if your happy with your kids good for you, just respect my point of views!!!

  147. Jenni
    June 10, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    Here’s the problem. Like planning a wedding or doing something you love with your career, the joy has been sucked out of raising kids too, because everyone has been brainwashed to believe that no matter what it is you chose, you chose wrong, you screwed up, you aren’t doing it right, and you should feel bad about every single move, instinct, utterance, and feeling you have and everyone is judging you for it. Come on! Maybe you need to start answering to yourself. Tap into that core part of you that is rational, reasonable, kind, and wise, and really decide if your choice to have kids/to not have kids or to raise them without being their “cruise director” as the clever mom said is really something to be depressed about. Ask yourself if you really have as many critics for your life’s choices as you think you do, and even if you do, who cares? Really, in the end, do critics matter? It’s your life. “Do it wrong, or do it right, it’s alright, it’s alright” – John Lennon. And if you did have kids and you regret them, so what? Do the best you can with them and cut the cord when they’re legally old enough. Your job is not to take care of them forever; your job is to take care of them until they’re legally old enough to take care of themselves. Sure, ideally, every parent has a lifelong, healthy, fulfilling relationship with their children, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way, and sometimes it really shouldn’t work out that way. (Think of the parents who have violent convicts in prison as children. Do they owe their kids anything else?) Or if you have them and you don’t get the joy out of them you think you should, don’t think everyone else is in a state of parental bliss, because they aren’t. My friend who loves her children dearly will be the first to tell you how much they get on her nerves, how they can gross her out, and everything in between, and she doesn’t dwell on her feelings or their annoying habits. She just deals and loves them for the essence of who they are to her. And she loves herself in spite of her inability to summon the superhuman strength to love her kids like Mother Theresa would have.

  148. Lord Elpuss
    June 10, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Can I just address this tired old theory that childless people = selfish?

    The way I see it, HAVING children is FAR more selfish than chosing not to.
    After all, you are having children for YOU.
    There is not some little voice of an as-yet unconceived child begging ‘Please let me live… It’s cold and lonely in non-existance… Please let me come into your world.’
    No.

    You decided to have kids because YOU wanted them. YOU wanted to be a parent. YOU wanted to complete your family (Whatever the hell that means), YOU wanted to hear the patter of tiny feet and see those cute little toothless smiles, YOU wanted to feel all proud at graduation and, MOST selfish of all… YOU wanted people with blood ties around to help look after you, when you’re getting old.

  149. anonymous
    June 11, 2013 at 8:06 pm #

    All I see here are two very dramatic sides, you either regret parenting or are overly in love with parenting. What about those of us in the middle ground? Cause that’s where I’m at. I love my children to death and yes I enjoy being a mother sometimes but other I wish that I wouldn’t have had kids (or at least not 3 of them) given a chance to go back in time and change my entire life by not having kids I would still have them. Let’s be honest here, I would probably wait until I was older and definitely have them with someone who after a couple years didn’t decide that he didn’t want kids anymore. I believe that is more of the problem that people have kids too young or with he wrong person then feel overwhelmed in every aspect of life. Parenting is obviously hard as hell and draining in every way possible, but as for MYSELF I feel like it is worth it. It really is amazing to watch a little clone of yourself running around learning, making friends, growing, loving so on and etc.. don’t get me wrong though there are days I ant to run away for a good six months. The subject is taboo for sure but I think it is wrong to judge people for any decision they make or opinion they have.. after all we live with our own choices no one else. So I guess I just thought I would throw mine out there. (also that one mother that said she wants to kill her older kids, yea that is terrible.. just give them to the state if you truly don’t want them because I’m sure somebody else would)

  150. allyoucandoistry
    June 12, 2013 at 5:44 am #

    you dont want to have kids, dont have kids, why is it anyones busines? you do want to have kids? have kids dont gripe later because “everyone lied”, its not the kids fault. have three of my own, ,,yes they can be little butheads at times, they ARE kids.
    Before i go further, yes i am a guy, yes all three are from the same mother, who i have been married to the whole time, after my oldest was born, I did tell her that any more would be her choice to make because that looked and sounded like it hurt ALOT and i am not going to ask anyone to go through that just for me, NO it hasnt been easy, we couldnt afford baby sitters when we had the oldest so i had to take him to work with me, try doing a tune up on a car while holding your kid in one arm(yes he was kept VERY safe, fed, and clean.).
    you have one kid and say you regret it, ,, ok i can understand. you have 3,, really, what made you think it would get better. when a guy zipps himself up(youve all heard the stories) you can safely bet your lifes fortune that was the only time it happened in his life, why? cause it was a pain he will do ANYTHING to avoid happening again.
    for some odd reason though women will go through something that causes terrifying trauma to their nether region and forget all about it the next time the opportunity arises to be with child. confuses the crap out of me.

    the only real reason to have a child (through natural processes anyway) , is because you and someone else agree, have put thought into it, weighed the pros and cons, and want your love for eachother to live on through a merger of dna that hopefully produces the best of the 2 of you in one little package.
    when you look at the child you see yourself, you see your partner, you see the child for what he/she is, the result of YOU and YOUR TEACHING.

    you dont regret having kids, you regret not being able to cope and teach.

    3 rules for parenting,
    1)never beat your child.
    2)dont let your child know you wont beat them.
    3)if you can teach them empathy all the rest will fall into place.

    there are other legitimate reasons that include situations that should not be apart of this conversation.

    • June 12, 2013 at 8:15 am #

      You have no idea what my kids put me thru! I was a good mother, not beating them but correcting them thru taking away privileges.My husband and I always put them first and they had everything they needed Plus alot of extras we went without. Being there as they grew up being involved as girl scout leaders, pta, church activities, taking them on vacations throughout the years, helping them thru homework and broken hearts, being a shoulder to cry on and laugh and play games with. Teaching them they had to work for what they got thru chores and later on jobs, being responcible, eatting most dinners together. Hugging them and loving them thru many tough times. Helping them go to college. When they grew up, they grew ugly selfish, not respecting my husband & I as adults. My youngest daughter got so angry at me when she was 25, after I wouldn’t drive into the city after 1-2 am she had a fight with her boyfriend she called me a F***** B**** Never receiving so much as Mother’s or Father’s Day, Birthday, Christmas cards or a call thru the years, but calling before Chrismas or their BD’s to see what they could get. When I was in the hospital having a major operation, only 1 coming to visit for 5 minutes and then not seeing for months afterwards. Now I only call my son occasionally or email 1 of the daughters as when I talk to her she only wants something involving money. We can’t afford it anymore. The other one is so ugly I can’t even talk to her.

      • June 12, 2013 at 10:45 am #

        Wow! I’m so sorry…you seem like a very nice lady and I’m so sorry your kids treat you bad. I wonder why they ended up this way. It’s a shame. What does your husband think of all this? Maybe you should just talk to them and tell them how they’ve made you feel. If I was your daughter I would never do that to you. No one deserves that type of treatment especially because you seem like you were so great to them. My mother abandoned me when I was 3 and I still don’t treat her that way, We don’t see each other very often but we stay in touch and I always get her mothers day, christmas and birthday gifts. I’m so sorry you have to deal with such selfish kids. Maybe they’ll grow up and figure it out soon. I really hope so.

        • June 13, 2013 at 8:34 am #

          Thank you very much I appreciate it. My husband feels much the same way. In fact he will hardly talks to them too. He was good to them too, although he worked alot. When he did have time he was home doing things with them too. I just happened to stumble on this site by accident.
          . I wish you and your mother all the best. It is very good of you to forgive her and have a good relationship now. You are a very nice loving person. Wish you and your family the best.
          I was a stay at home mother until my kids were in high school. We moved a few times when they were young thru my husbands job. We are just disappointed in our children as they just don’t seem to care/love for us like we do for them. We aren’t asking for alot of material things or anything just an acknowledement. I just try not to dwell on it. Just is hard to know they don’t care., and at times embarrassing. Hard to see others with grown kids/grandkids several generations happy together.

      • October 12, 2016 at 4:40 am #

        WTF. I’m so sorry. HUGS if you want them. Your children sound like complete cunts.

  151. Jack Tyme
    June 12, 2013 at 6:12 am #

    Having children partially secures your bloodline to continue on this planet. This also partially secures your soul to reincarnate back on this planet through the bloodline. A master of the universe knows that the whole point of the human birth is to escape the eternal cycle of birth and death, the transmigration of the soul into innumerable and variated types of bodies. From plant life, to animal bodies, to human bodies and higher godly incarnations. this is reincarnation.

  152. Marie
    June 12, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    I want to say that my lover left me in April. During one long month I have contacted many casters and bought almost ten spells without results. My ex wouldn’t contact me, wouldn’t answer my calls and emails. But I never lost hope because I knew we were soul mates. Dr. Abu cast the most wonderful spell for me 2 weeks ago and everything has changed since then. We are close to each other again and he is calling me many times everyday. Thank you Dr. Abu of Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com, your help is very appreciated! I will keep in touch.

  153. June 12, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    I am Mrs Micheal from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Stephen Michael, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Mary, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend miss Lina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr FASO, who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 1 days. Miss Lina ask me to contact Dr FASO. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr FASO on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact;on the internet so far his email: greatfasolovecaster@gmail.com

  154. Anonymous
    June 13, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    Write better. Let it be readable!!!!!!!!!!!!!! USE periods.

  155. June 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    My Name is BELLA MUELLER, From United Kingdom. I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called PRIEST JAHLANDER YUSUF MUSTAPHA has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, I was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email(priestjah.ymd7@gmail.com then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back, and after a month I miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great PRIEST JAHLANDER YUSUF MUSTAPHA for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of this problems listed below:

    1) If you want your ex back.
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    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to cast a spell on your husband/wife to be
    yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
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    (10)You need a job a good and a high paying job

    Email…priestjah.ymd7@gmail.com

  156. John
    June 13, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

    I read your article twice to see whether I could find out your age, socio-economic background, etc. I am 47 and childless (partly through choice, partly through circumstance). I guess I never been with someone who I wanted to have a child WITH. Problem is that as you get older it becomes difficult meeting with people and unless you are quite extravert you become increasingly isolated as a childless person. Weird as it sounds, past a certain age many people make their social contacts through their kids. I think childless men are also treated with suspicion in some circumstances but maybe thats just me being over-sensitive. I have also been accused of being selfish for not having kids but i think the selfish people are the ones who have kids due to pressure from peers/family, rather than because they want them, themselves. I respect the decision you have made but there may be consequences arising from that decision which have not yet become apparent.

  157. P
    June 13, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

    Good luck in life when you have no one and end up a lonely old hag in an old folks home with no one to look after you. Children are a joy. You are selfish and no one stays young forever. You will die old and lonely. That’s so sad but in the end it’s your own fault for never opening your heart and life to sacrifice for others. No one will be there to sacrifice for you. Having children is not easy but don’t you want your blood line to live on? Or do you really want it to die with you? Good luck with that.

    • Lord Elpuss
      June 15, 2013 at 12:04 am #

      P, How can you possibly say that someone who is childless will end up lonely in an old folks home and then accuse THEM of being selfish??
      Was that one of the factors in your decision to become a parent? Having someone to wipe your backside and wash your hair when you’re old?
      God, how SELFISH!

    • June 15, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

      I hope you understand how incredibly ignorant and rude this comment is. Just because you don’t have children, doesn’t mean you are going to die old and lonely, as you so wonderfully put it. And may I add in, that not child is about to take care of their parents in their old age. Those who end up “alone on their deathbed” are the people who don’t open up their hearts to anyone, regardless of whether or not they have children. And having a child simply to have your bloodline live on is the only selfish thing going on here.

  158. C. Cutter
    June 14, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    As with all things, the truth lay somewhere between here and there. I’ve known people who are reluctant but loving parents, people who have no interest in having a child because they determined they’d not be good parents, people who never found the right partner (or lost the right partner) and don’t have kids, and people who just naturally fell into parenthood and happily excelled. Branding people who do or don’t have kids as “selfish” may make the commenter feel better about his/her opinion, but has no basis in fact.

    My wife and I don’t have children. I like children, but don’t derive a sense of self-worth or fulfilled destiny from raising them. My wife likes children but has never had a maternal sense, and observed her own mother’s performance, to rationally be concerned about how good a mother she would prove to be; still, she would have children if her husband wanted them. That alone is a selfless stance, which only a selfish and stupid fellow would leverage to have kids. So, instead, we’re loving uncles and aunts to our siblings’ kids, and to our friends’ kids, and feel no remorse for being otherwise.

    God bless those who are happy to be parents. But to those parents who condemn those who admit they would rather not be: You are projecting your own sense of duty onto others, perhaps because you are too prejudiced to see how others don’t share your worldview; or perhaps because your most secret self, against its unrevealed preference, needs to justify being a parent.

  159. June 14, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    Dear God, THANK YOU. I’m 24 years old and around the time I turned 22, the questions and hinting started from my parents. “Is there a guy in your life? Are you ever going to give me any grandchildren? Oh you’ll feel differently when you get older. It’s different when it’s your own.” And it doesn’t matter how many times I tell them, “Look, it’s just not me, it’s not what I want for my life,” they all assume they know better and act like I’m either pathetic or immature and selfish because I don’t want kids. But I ask you–as someone who has eight younger brothers and two younger sisters she helped raise–what is so bloody wonderful about kids? They’re loud, they smell, they need you to do everything for them, they say and do mortifying things, they cost a ton of money, they make messes that they don’t clean up, and they take an enormous amount of time and effort.

    By the time my youngest brother graduates from high school I’ll be the age my father is now. I’ve changed diapers, cleaned up messes, bandaged skinned knees, sang lullabies until my throat was sore, given driving lessons, explained about the birds and the bees, broken up fights, heard the coming out speech, had one of those horrible “I turned my head for ONE SECOND” moments, addressed an eating disorder, made snow ice cream, played laser tag, given piggy back rides, read bedtime stories, watched little league games, screamed in frustration over car seats…you name it, I’ve done it. I find it exhausting and totally unfulfilling, and these are my family, my brothers and sisters who I love and would die for without hesitation. So why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I KNOW I don’t want to be a parent?

    And does it really make me selfish, or just responsible? I know I would be a horrible mother, because I don’t want to be a mother in the first place. I would resent that child every single day, and no matter how much I tried to hide it, that kid would feel some of it. What responsible, sane person would ever do that to a child?

  160. Anonymous
    June 15, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Children don’t ask to be born; we make them like our parents made us: without permission. People make children because our genes try their hardest to control our lives. It’s easy to see how we could potentially regret highly hormonal decisions, especially once all those lovey bonding chemicals wear off or weren’t there to begin with, which does happen.

    I like all the judgmental statements coming from people with religious backgrounds. Have you realized yet that not everyone believes in your mythology, and that those statements are incredibly dismissive and offensive? How can you expect people to show any respect towards your religion when you act like that towards other beliefs or non-beliefs?

    I especially love the judgmental statements that come from people who never had the pleasure of living in an abusive, dysfunctional family.
    My parents didn’t love each other, but stayed married for over 30 years because of their religious vows… guess what? Us kids knew it all along, there was no hiding it. It hurt bad. By the way, parental divorce still hurts if you do it when the kids are grown up.

    Our mother resented us. She wanted to be a mom but she changed her mind. She never said it directly, but it was there in offhand comments and gestures. My father is not without a hand in this. A lifetime of that mental training has made me not want my own children. I also feel very ambivalent towards my parents… and they have made it clear that they are lonely and want to talk to me often. I don’t know why they wanted to be parents, but they are clearly not getting what they hoped out of it, nor did they know what they were doing.

    So I think the point of this article is that holding back such important feelings is damaging and futile. We need to recognize that people’s feelings change. People make decisions that were good at the time and are allowed to change their mind later. It doesn’t matter if they deserve to be parents or not, or whether they deserve to “sit in their own bed”… Crap happened and they have feelings about it. Invalidating those feelings is the most damaging of all and doesn’t help them find a solution to overcome or deal with it in a healthy manner.
    The alternative would be pushing those feelings down until they snap one day, and hurt or perhaps even kill their kids. Struggling parents need support, not judgement. Move forward.

  161. angels4u
    June 15, 2013 at 7:10 am #

    I think that is such a STUPID & SELFISH thing to say, well why the heck did you lay on your back and spread your legs? The minute you was having that orgasam, were you thinking about not having children then? Children don’t ask to come in this world, this is a decision that you made on your own. Some women are so “Pathetic”….. and there are some women who even lie about the child’s father. I mean I really don’t get it, why do you have unprotected sex if you do not want kids? This is something like what my husband is going through, his mother will not tell him who his father is and she plans on going to her gave with it, all because she made a stupid and shameful decision. So now my husband had to suffer for it, it took a toll on him for a very long time and he is still dealing with the pain and the fact that he has no family on his father side because he do not know nothing about him, never met him, didn’t even know if the guy knew he exists. Of course his mom made up several excuses and lies about his father like, he raped her, she didn’t know how he look, she don’t know nothing about him…blah blah blah… and yeah rape is possible but it raises eyebrows when you start dating a convicted rapist. Anyway that’s a whole different story. Yes we all make bad decision sometimes in our lives but don’t hurt the innocent bystander, all you can do is learn from it, so if you do not want kids….”KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSE” or “PROTECT YOURSELF” Plain & Simple. Remember you were a kid at once upon a time and someone had to put up with up dirty nose butt.

  162. sarah
    June 15, 2013 at 10:27 am #

    I understand your and others desire to avoid giving of yourself for another human life, but how then would you keep society going? If everyone had this point of view we would be in trouble. Thank God for those parents who do make the sacrifice to shape some wonderful human beings. This world is about love, people and relationships, without those building blocks none of us would be here.

  163. June 15, 2013 at 11:49 am #

    So much animosity going on here.

    Having children is such a personal choice. There’s honest to goodness no reason for so much hostility. If you want to have children, have them. If you don’t, then don’t. And yes, sometimes accidents happen. But I believe that you’re allowed to define how you deal with it in that situation. If you have children, you have no right to go around telling those who choose not to have children that their life is lacking something. Just because the parenting lifestyle is for you, doesn’t mean it is for someone else. Simply because it is the best thing in your life doesn’t mean it would fulfill someone else’s world the same way. And just because you choose not to have children, doesn’t mean that you have the right to go around condemning those who choose children. Again, it’s all about a lifestyle choice. I don’t think you can get mad at someone for living their life the way that they want to.

    I also think there’s a lot of validity to the “regret” of having children. I think of it more in terms of “If I could go back and redo my life, I probably wouldn’t have kids.” Again, the parenting lifestyle isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t mean that they hate their children or are abusive to them. There are plenty of parents out there who choose children and end up being abusive to them. I don’t think that it’s a resentment of the child, but more of the way of life that must be undertook upon becoming a parent.

    As of now, I’m twenty years old. And honestly, I have no idea if I want children in the future or not. I’m still young and have plenty of time to change my mind to whatever I want. But whether or not, I choose to have children, it’s simply the way that I want my life to be lead. And if not wanting to have children makes me selfish, then fine: selfish it is.

  164. Not perfect, but happy
    June 16, 2013 at 2:32 am #

    No parent is perfect, neither are children. Being a parent can be tough, and yes, there are times where in the back of your head you wonder what your life would be if you weren’t stuck changing diapers cleaning faces cooking meals stopping arguments cleaning toys 3 times a day washing faces hands bathing etc. In saying that I love how my children keep me young. I find myself excited over things like Christmas and easter, 2 things I had forgotten the magic of before I had children. Seeing the magic of santa and easter bunny and the innocence of believing in them again through my children. playing in the park and burying our toes in the sand and hunting for lost treasure, playing on the swing and slide, playing games I once played as a child. This is the best thing by far about parenting, the memories of your own childhood, coming out again in your children. and at the end of a long tiring day, when little arms wrap around your neck, and four beautiful words are said to you “mommy I love you” all the mess, chaos and cleaning you did that day fade in comparison. This is the life, the best life for me. There are pros and cons to every situation. Its up to you if you chose to make it better, or make it worse.

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